Why do i live...?

"Brat"

"Ungrateful"

"Idiot"

"Arrogant"

"I should die, I should die, I should die, I should–"

SHUT UP!!!

I woke up yelling this, In my mind ofcourse. If I raised my voice for no reason I will be scolded and that's the last thing I want to after just waking up. I sighed trying to shake off the remanants of my blank nightmare, one that haunts me every day, awake or asleep. I looked at the clock, it's 1:30 pm. Not really morning I guess. I got up brushed my teeth and went to the kitchen, the house was quiet and seemed like nobody is home....

"Welp, seems like actually nobody is home "

I said while reading the note stuck on the fridge.

"We are out to pick your cousin from airport next town. We'll be back by evening so please figure out lunch on your own okay?"

I hummed reading it again, they did say my first cousin was coming to back to the country. I don't remember much tho. I guess I should try to remember it while cooking breakfast... Instant noodles would do. I will collapse if I cooked much in my condition.

.....

Oh hey you guys, yes yes you, the one with the phone in hand reading wondering what on earth is going on.

Well I don't blame you for being confused. Well, honestly I myself don't have a idea of what's going on in my life either . But it'd be rude to not even give a introduction I guess. So here it is, I am Charlie, I am introverted, antisocial 20 year old dumbass whose life is collapsing. I used to be a spoiled golden child but as the weight of my actions crashed on me my world fell apart. Now I am just a sick waste of bandage with some breathing illness even I don't know much about. I just know it makes me feel dizzy and short on breath. Tho these things are unnecessary, might I say if they weren't necessary to understand my story I wouldn't even have told it but anyway, let's stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to the story.

.....

I poured water in the pan and set it to boil as I began to think.

"What did mom and dad tell me of this cousin?"

"Hmmm... They said he is aunt Marie's son, he is the youngest and the same age like me. They say he is blunt and wierd like me tho they said he is smarter? What did they said he was... A detective, I guess. Heh how wonderful, a guy of 20 is a fucking detective and then there is me, who has not even graduated school yet . Why the fuck am I even alive!?".

I sighed heavily and shook my head. It's not worth spending my energy in useless anger, my cousin is where he is because of his work and I am where I am because of my shitty actions. It's no use mulling over stuff I can't change, new session will be starting in a few days ,might as well study a little for next session.

That in mind, I ate my noodles and studied physics, the love of my life, skipped lunch, since I can't find appetite after eating breakfast in afternoon and soon evening was near and my back was near breaking. I can't help but grunt, as I stood up from my bed where I was studying. My bed was a mess of rough notes and books and highlighters, I sighed, each breath I took feeling like it is burning my lungs, but it was nothing new. Or rather my new normal since last two year. I glanced at my wrist watch, 4:39 pm,i sighed.

"I feel like throwing up... They will be back soon, I don't want to meet my cousin like this. Might just go take a walk in the park to freshen up."

I hummed to myself and with that in mind I tied up my hair in a ugly ponytail, picked up my bag and left the house, walking to the park near my house.

Already feeling a lot at ease as I felt the cool spring air hit my face, the sky was covered by dark clouds and the small beams of setting sun filtering through the clouds made the atmosphere look.... majestic, to say the least. I always loved weather like this, cloudy and rainy. I have seen everyone connect rain to sadness but despite many stinging memories, I always loved rain. It always rained when something bad happened and it rained when something extremely good happened to me. Some may think that rain ruined my special occasions, but as a matter of fact. It never did.

Whenever something bad happened to me, I felt like rain was always there to console me and wash away my pains , to make me forget of the unfortunate incident and soak me in happiness. And whenever something good happens, it was always was there, to cheer for me and congratulate me with it's cheery pitter-patter on the roof. Rain was always a gentle reprise to me from this dreadful world. A beautiful salvation.

As I kept walking I soon arrived at the park, a grin made it's way to my face as I saw the familiar and calming scene in front of me. Children playing, people taking strolls or studying, stray dogs running around.

Beautiful.

I have been coming to this park for years and I almost know everyone that comes here regularly, don't get me wrong, I don't know them personally, my social anxiety has always kept me from communicating with those around me, tho I know them all by face and many of them have been inspiration for my drawings, I would often sit on a bench, doodling mindlessly, anything and everything. It might sound wierd but I can't help myself. As I walked further to find a empty bench I spotted a unfamiliar face. A man, seemed to be in his mid-twenties. Beautiful silver hair falling over his face, completely covering his left eye, he wore a off white high neck sweater with black pants and spectacles, square frame same as mine and he seemed to be playing with some children. It looked like they were playing house and made him the child, and he sat there with a smile on his face as the children played around treating him like the kid of the family. A truly endearing sight that made me smile... A perfect one for a drawing.

I took a seat on a empty bench at some distance from them and got to sketching, him and children playing around him. Basic structure to more refined and to final detailing I was almost done with this piece tho I couldn't get his eyes right. His eyes held certain depth to him, as if telling a story untold, I just couldn't capture that depth, that strange weight of his eyes that almost felt crushing. I kept erasing and redrawing but I just can't get it right. I grumbled looking at the unfinished piece, thinking how to get it right when I was bought out of my thoughts by a deep but soft voice .

?? : "My eyes are giving you trouble I see"

I whipped my head around at the sound only to see the man I was drawing standing right behind my bench! He had a confused but gentle smile on his lips as his gaze shifted from my sketchbook on my lap to my face. At that moment, I wanted to jump in a pool of sulphuric acid from the amount of embarrassment I was feeling. He must have been thinking that I am a creep! He tho, looked rather calm. Which was surprising since I think many people in his place would be asking me to erase the drawing by now, and that's understandable, he didn't tho.

??: "Don't worry dear I don't mind you drawing me, just tell me before doing so next time."

He said gently with a chuckle, almost as if reading my mind, tho his eyes held that strange warning, one that made me feel like even though he says he doesn't mind he won't be so gentle if I did this again. It almost made me feel bad for drawing him without consent. I really need to stop messing things up, that's why I avoid drawing people around me.... I should stop it altogether, it's a breach of privacy afterall. I nodded at him.

"I understand, sorry for that. I will make sure not to do it again"

His eyes eased up instantly and he nodded.

James: "It's good that you understand your mistake and want to change, it's an admirable quality. Also, I really appreciate that you didn't draw the children as is and instead used your imagination to draw the children figure then angled it so that you aren't drawing their faces at all. By the way, I am James, I am new here, mind if I sit with you? There aren't any empty benches near here, and I might as well help you with the drawing" , he asked with a polite and calm smile tho I can feel his eyes calculating my every moment. Bro is a natural yapper. ButWhoEvenIsThisGuy?? I really need to focus on what others say... What was his name again? Right, James.

"Uhm sure if you want to"

I shrugged and shifted away to give him space to sit, he is new here eh? That explains why I didn't recognize him.

"So you are new here?" , I asked.

James: "Yes, I finished moving in here just today, so I decided to take a walk in the park since it's directly in front of my house and those children pulled me away to play with them." , he paused to chuckle then countinued. "I take it that you are a local, Miss...?"

He looked at me with a curious smile and I smiled in response.

"Ah, sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I am Charlie and yeah I am a local, I have been living here since...like my birth? I guess yeah. Anyway welcome, I hope you like it here."

I said with a relaxed smile because I don't know why but...this guy makes me feel... Comfortable? It doesn't make sense, I just met him! Nonetheless James nodded at my words, tho I felt him smirk a bit, his eyes fixated on my face .

James : "Oh I am already quite liking it here", his lips had a ghost of a smirk for a moment before he regained his polite demeanor, I couldn't quite understand what the sudden change meant but it was so brief that I thought it's just my psychosis acting up. "Nonetheless, it's nice to have already made a friend here. Are you a college student perhaps, Miss Charlie?"

His question made me look away. The questions I absolutely loathe are regarding my studies but I can't avoid it now when he is sitting right beside me waiting for a response. I sighed and shook my head.

"No, I am... Still in school. I am 12th grade and the new session will start in a few days.", I answered in a murmur, facing the ground trying to act polite and calm tho deep down I felt embarrassed. As always, I have always bought only embarrassment to me and those around me anyway... Tho much to my surprise he took it all calmly. He didn't judge, he didn't pry, He just...nodded calmly.

James : "I see, tho.. Uhm I believe you're atleast 19, it's rather unusual for someone your age to still be in school, any particular reason for that?" , his question made me dread a bit, I didn't want to tell anyone the reason, I hate being pitied upon but, what can I do–

Suddenly, I felt him gently place a hand on my shoulder, his touch soo gentle and reassuring it almost startled me. "Ofcourse you don't have to answer if you don't want to . I don't want to make you uncomfortable, dear, please don't feel pressured to do or say anything."

His gentle words made me feel at ease. The truth wasn't something shameful or something I would want to hide(despite hating being pitied upon) but the fact that the listener is considerate and not jumping to conclusions makes it a lot easier for me to talk given my anxieties. I nodded with a smile.

"Thank you, I appreciate it. And yeah I am 20, Actually after 10th standard I wasn't able to go to school for two whole years due to a....untended lung disease, I won't go in details but, luckily I got checked last year and thus was able to countinue studying."

I can see his expression turn solemn and sympathetic, it was clear he didn't expect that response, I also didn't expect it when it happened to me but life throws the most unexpected things at you always, tho that doesn't give me the right to bother others because of that. Neither does others have to be bothered by what goes on in my life.

James : "Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you are okay now.."

He said in a gentle tone and I just nodded, my eyes on the ground, feeling a bit awkward with this being the topic of discussion tho I tried not to let it show.

"Yes, I... Am a lot better now thank you for asking ", I lied with a smile tho he doesn't need to know that. "Anyway, moving on, James are you a uni student?"

James shook his head at my question and replied with a rather sheepish smile.

James: "No dear, I am a mathematics teacher..."

....

Wow.... Just wow, God woke up and decided to taunt me, showing me that everyone is a success at young age except me! I wanna shinju.

Ignoring my existential crisis I asked further, maintaining a polite smile.

" Wow, I didn't think you were a teacher since you looked so young. But regardless it's pretty impressive, what school do you teach in?"

He chuckled at my question and nodded, rather shyly. Woah, is this the same guy as before? He is actually pretty.. cute when shy...Damn, stop simping Charlie!

James : "Actually I AM pretty young for a teacher, I am 22. I have always been a bit.. Good at studies so I graduated from university early, at 19—"

"So you are prodigy? Yo that's so cool!", I interjected enthusiastically, almost forgetting my previous existential crisis, or more like trying to forget it... Tho I didn't expect my words to make him blush.. Was it my words or..? Oh damn, I am right in his face ofcourse he is flustered! I instantly moved away putting so much space between us that another person can sit in between us. I awkwardly opened my mouth to apologize, but before I can speak he laughed softly, the sound more melodious than any I have heard. He then slowly shifted so he was sitting right beside me, even closer so than before! Well now it was my turn to be flustered! I was sitting beside him with a surprised expression and a light blush on my face and what's more ironic than him being completely calm now, talking normally like before, not even addressing the proximity between us! This is guy is confusing as hell!!!

James : "Prodigy isn't the term I would use, I am just a mathematics enthusiast. And as for your question earlier I am a teacher at GDPS school. I'll be the class teacher and maths teacher of class 12D when the session starts in a few days along with being the mathematics teacher of few other classes ."

His words caught me more off gaurd than the situation did.

" What!? That's my school and class for this year! ", I exclaimed, uncharacteristically loudly tho he just smirked.

James : "Oh it is now? Hmm... now that I think I should have a student named Charlie in my class..."

Just then his phone rang and I was cut off before I can begin to ask questions, he quickly excused himself, leaving me rather confused by the sudden departure. As I looked at where he was sitting moments earlier, I saw a small card, his card? It even had his number...

The timing of his departure right after him telling me he'll be my teacher seemed too convenient and it doesn't seem like the card fell from his pocket, one look at the card made it clear that it was deliberately placed there with great care. But how could he do that in a mere second when he was standing up!? And more importantly WHY would he do it? I sighed shaking my head, I crumbled the card and threw it into the bin, I didn't want to take it but leaving it there didn't feel right. I looked at the park for the final time before making my way to home.

________________________________________

Meanwhile outside the park as Charlie left:

James stared after her as she walked off, his eyes fixated on her, his earlier kind expression was now morphed into that of a cold and emotionless one. He kept staring until her retreating figure was merely a dot and then his face broke into a dark smirk.

James: "It seems it'll get more than a little seduction to get you to succumb to me my little bunny. But rest assured you will come back to me, everyone does... You can't escape The Professor James Moriarty"

He scoffed and walked off in the opposite direction, unknown schemes swirling in his mind.

________________________________________

I finally reached home after feeling like being stalked for 10 minutes straight, I even changed my path twice to keep the stalker from getting to me, but luckily I am back in my natural habitat unharmed without any problems. Tho the events from before and unanswered questions of 'Why' and 'How' keep swirling in my head. I sighed. It was ridiculous to dig deeper into such stuff, I might be reading too much into it. Let's Just ignore it and go back to my room. I approached the front door only to see that it was unlocked... That's wierd, I was sure I locked it then how– OH FUCK I COMPLETELY FORGOT! MOM AND DAD MUST BE BACK BY NOW!

I am so dead! I sighed exasperatedly and went inside, and there in the living room mom and dad were sitting with my older brother Austin and another boy of my age. He had brown hair, grey eyes and looked bored beyond wits. Tho I didn't blame him, what else do you expect when my parents are talking politics with him.

"Uhm.. Hey", I said awkwardly to make my presence known, mom and dad instantly gave me a scolding look for not being home when they arrived, my brother passed me a sympathetic look and the guy beside him, probably my cousin, languidly looked up at me.

Boy: "Oh hullo, who might you be?"

"I am Charlie, you must be my cousin, nice to meet you...Uhm You are a detective if I am not wrong?" , I said trying to be as I extended my hand for a handshake, he stood up, a dry glitter in his eyes at the mention of his profession. He nodded while giving my hand a firm shake.

Boy: "You are correct, I am a detective. The name is Holmes. Sherlock Holmes."

My eyes widened, WHAT THE–

To be countinued....