Self-esteem

Chapter 3

Taking a deep sip of my drink, I try to push down the feelings from my marriage. It's been over now, what, five years? No point in thinking of it. Even if most of those years were awesome. Man, I remember being so happy, especially coming home to her.

She slipped away from me. I tried to hold on, but it was pointless. The beginning of the end was when she joined some would-be MMA club. I encouraged her to do so as I hold two martial arts black belts. I thought it would be cool to spar once she got some experience as every time I tried to teach her martial arts she couldn't remember any moves.

One night of class became two, and before long she was going nearly every night and forgetting about me. When I finally did check out that school, I found it was a joke. It was a McDojo, there to be glorified babysitters to kids after school, and let women get out their aggression on training dummies. There was no real lesson plan or thought to what they were teaching. Just whatever the would-be teacher thought up that day and even then the classes were glorified sessions for him to say how great he was.

She didn't want to hear it when I criticized the place. Said I was jealous because the teacher was a true professional and everyone that goes there were great guys. To this day I have no idea why she thought that as the teacher was true white trash. A drunk, owing money, missing several teeth, not to mention spent time in jail from everything from fighting to missing child support on his ten kids. That guy was a professional?

It didn't do my self-esteem much good when she left me for him. The "classes" she went to were actually for her to cheat. Not that I knew at the time. Like an idiot I tried to save the marriage, but with couples counseling and having daily talks, she ran off with him.

She too said she wanted to remain friends when I signed the divorce papers. Said I was the kindest and sweetest person she had ever known. And if it wasn't for me, she would have never grown as a person.

At least with her, I somewhat get updates thanks to the mail that still comes to my house. Seems she learned to be white trash as well. On purpose she doesn't change her home address, so all the bills, bill collector letters, court summons and more come to my place even after five years apart.

Sometimes I wonder if she left me because I was better than she wanted to be. Her friends told horrible stories that she found hilarious, such as going around their neighborhood with a pellet gun, shooting elderly people taking out their trash at night. Or when they talked about a black or Hispanic person they would refer to them as "the colored person." Whenever I brought up these points or more, she would get so pissed at me. Saying that I couldn't take a joke and was being weird. That I didn't understand.

"Why didn't you get her something then?" The friend asks the crying man, knocking me out of my own thoughts.

Listening in again, I will admit that is a question I was wondering as well. I mean, if the guy has been coming here after work instead of working on getting his wife something, then he deserves to have his wife mad at him. It's been a lot of time since Christmas. And the money he spent here could have been spent on a gift.

"It's that fucking program at work, man. I just can't get it. I stay after almost everyday trying to learn it. Watching those stupid learning videos and shit. Even got other coworkers to try and train me. It's just, I don't get it. I don't get how it works. I keep fucking it up," the man explains passionately.

Again I feel for the guy because I can tell he is being honest. As if I was an empath or something, I can feel his anger and frustration. Frustration at really trying and still not able to figure it out.

"Why do I even need to learn that dumb-ass fucking program? I work as a fucking custodian. I don't need to learn a fucking app to empty a god-damn recycling bin," the man states, his frustration boiling over. To this, I nod, understanding his frustration.

"Yeah, that sucks, man. What they got you trying to learn?" His friend inquires.

If I could, I would lean in to hear better as the bar is getting rather noisy now. More and more people are showing up, which I hate. Plus I find this to be more interesting than any other time I've come here.

"I don't fucking know. Some app that tracks what doors are locked and what the temperature is in rooms and crap. How to turn the lights off and the air on," the crying man tries to explains, showing he really doesn't know the purpose of whatever program.

"You know me, man. I was never good at any of that shit. I barely know how to work my cell phone, man. It's why I had to stop working as a mechanic because cars started getting fancy computers and crap. Fixing shit was more about fixing computers than replacing parts," the man explains, upset.

In his anger he downs the rest of his beer. I'm not sure about this, but I think some of his frustration is that he's in his twenties and looks like he should be computer literate. But hey, some things don't come easy for some people. Just the way the universe is.

For some reason he makes me think of my ex-wife. She was the type that said she always wanted to learn new things, but really didn't. She would sign up for tons of things but never follow through. The issue was, I would follow through. Like when we signed up to learn the violin. I became good enough to move to the intermediate class while the teacher said she needed to stay in the beginner's class. But what did she expect? She never practiced, even when I offered to practice together. Because I did practice when she watched TV, I got better and she hated me for it.

You know the thing I miss most about my ex-wife? It isn't the sex, as our sex life sucked especially towards the same. Same with my ex-girlfriend. Both started off fun enough but then became a chore.