He who I lost

I don't know why, but the most vivid memories I have of him feels alien.

I remember them clearly down to the last minute details, yet I don't recognise myself in every memory with him.

Perhaps that personality of mine only appears in front of him, but I can't find the reason why that is.

Another possibility is that maybe I've just changed a lot as an individual, so much so that the past me feels like a different person.

It was after school, my parents are always busy with work so he'd come pick me up instead, but I never requested to go home, I don't want to be alone.

He runs a cyber cafe, so I'd just hang there until night when I have to return home for dinner with the family.

I remember sitting in front of the computer that day and seeing myself in the screen's reflection, I looked disgruntled.

This was one of the two times I can remember where I was in a bad mood, I never cared much about anything in life after all, can't think of much reasons why I would be in a bad mood.

I booted up my favourite shooter game and started playing, I think it was probably the rage within me at the moment that caused me to lose a couple matches in a row.

In frustration, I took off my headset, slammed it on the keyboard and kicked myself away from the desk on the revolving chair.

The commotion caused the other customers in the cyber cafe to turn and stare at me, which just added salt to the wound, I now feel embarrassed on top of frustrated.

"What's wrong Sean?"

My uncle Magnus, he came over. He's nice, really nice, I don't recall him ever scolding me despite my irritating personality back then, I had a really bad temper I think.

"I lost." I muttered underneath my breath.

I doubt he actually heard it, he probably just assumed what I said based on my facial expressions.

He knows the past me very well, that's what I remember.

One thing I don't remember though, is that I'm an irritating kid who will get infuriated over a couple losses, doesn't sound like the me today.

"Want some coffee?" He extends out his hand offering a paper cup with white vapour flowing out, I still remember the smell of that coffee, very bitter.

Reluctantly, I accepted it, it tastes as bitter as it smells, so much so I just delivered it back to him after one sip.

"You'll get other chances." He says with a smirk, probably because of my exaggerated reaction to the coffee. He then took a sip of the coffee before setting it down on a table.

"Come on, play some games with me, found a new shooter game I think you'll really enjoy, it's got amazing graphics."

He suggested while patting my back, then he started up another monitor, put on a headset and started the game while I was still sulking behind.

"You coming?" He turns to me and asks once the game has loaded up.

He had a smile on his face, but it wasn't one forced out of empathy, or one feigned to comfort another, it's just a smile that invites another for a good ol' duo gaming session.

I think that's what I really liked about my uncle, he doesn't pry, he doesn't scold, he doesn't judge, instead he trusts me.

He gives me space when I'm feeling down, he avoids things that will anger or irritate me more, then accompanies me to activities that I usually will enjoy in a bad mood.

He observes, he listens, whilst never asking further than the situation demands, and I really appreciated that.

Whilst I'm still in a bad mood, I pulled myself back in front of the desk and put my headset back on.

"I'll get you a new keyboard." He says after taking a peek at my setup. Oops, I broke it. Not long after, he returned with a brand new keyboard and a proud grin.

"Game's starting, hurry up."

We played for hours minimum, occasionally I'd take a few sips of his coffee although it's far too bitter for me.

It's bitter, but it's warm, and it tells me that someone does care about me, the myself in the past really liked that, the new me doesn't.

When I got home, it's the same lecture I receive everyday from my father, telling me that I could've done better and that I returned home too late, then going on about how the games will cause my brain to rot one day.

That's alright for me, I don't really care. Uncle Magnus told me to log into the game when I'm home at 8, we haven't defeated all the monsters on the last level yet.

He was late, he wasn't online in the game until a quarter after 8. I can figure out the reason why.

My father talks obnoxiously loud on the phone, he definitely called my uncle telling him to stop introducing games and playing them with me. My father and his brother aren't exactly on the most friendly terms.

When he does finally enter the voice call with me for our night gaming session though, he still sounded as cheerful as ever.

Only thing I can hear from his voice is how excited he is for the game, which is always a relief to me.

I don't think I was sulking that day because I lost a couple of video game matches, I lost something else, can't imagine what it was though, I don't remember ever being competitive with the other kids.

That's one of the more memorable days with him, the other one is something that I do not wish to remember, yet I do.

I was in a bad mood, yet again, this time I think it was because a girl from my class is moving out of town, a girl I really liked.

I can't imagine myself ever having such an unnecessary and worthless feeling towards someone, yet I still remember that at one point in my life, I do.

Hence after school, I was sulking in the cyber cafe again, the second and last time I remember myself being in a gloomier mood.

He said he's heading out of the cyber cafe to get some coffee and a soft drink for me, he most likely didn't know what happened, I never told him.

But I was the most depressed I've ever been in my life, he probably noticed that and wanted to buy something nice for me to cheer me up.

Once again, I can't picture myself being dejected, yet I remember vividly that I was.

His silhouette leaving the cyber cafe was the last time I ever saw him.

I stayed in the cyber cafe for hours and hours waiting for his return that never happened, instead my parents came to pick me up.

"He's gone", that's all the words my mom used to describe what had happened to my uncle.

She probably did explain the details, but my mind was so devastated at the time that it couldn't bear accepting any more information.

Every step towards my room that night felt heavy. I don't remember sleeping that night, I can only remember sitting in the corner of my bedroom with my head down.

I don't think I cried, at least I don't remember I did, doesn't sound like something I'd do.

I locked myself in my bedroom on the day of his funeral, which I'm pretty sure just made my father even angrier at me than he already is.

It doesn't matter though, I don't have to care what he thinks of me.

I'm not certain why I couldn't bring myself to arrive at his funeral.

If I were to guess, the past me probably felt guilty considering how he never did anything meaningful for his uncle.

And that's it, that day on, I never had another gaming session in that humble cyber cafe, I never had another sip of that awfully brewed coffee, I never played games with someone beside me again.

Over time, I've embraced a life of solitide, just me and my games. I don't need anyone else, I still think so. I've decided I'm gonna live the rest of my life alone.

Until now, when he appeared in front of my eyes again.