Lepidus's Confession

As Caligula and Lepidus, stepped outside of Taberna Tigellina, the summer evening air enveloped them, 'the air feels nice', Caligula thought. The air seems to carry the sounds of quiet murmurs and the lyre music from within the taberna.

Caligula's appetite for his saltatio had vanished earlier, thanks to Lepidus's unnerving gazes. Everytime Lepidus's eyes comes his way, Caligula felt a shiver run down his spine, his skin prickling with small goosebumps. 'I wonder what he's thinking? To give me a hard time eating like this!'

Lepidus seemed similarly affected, he is busy picking his food, and his eyes keep darting away whenever Caligula tried to catch his gaze. The air was thick with tension, that Caligula felt like he'll get indigestion. The silence between them is so uncomfortably loud. The music, the quiet murmurs of other people is nonexistent. It was only him and Lepidus. So Caligula cant help but sense Lepidus's fleeting glances, 'He thought he is being sneaky!' Caligula thought. All of his senses is directed at Lepidus's every movement. It makes his own heart flutter. And that's what he doesn't understand with himself. Why is he so affected?

Caligula then turned his head to look at Lepidus, the culprit, who is now standing silently beside him, not saying anything, just looking down the ground, frowning and deep in thought.

'When i looked at him like this, i can see that he's a head taller than me', he studied the silent Lepidus. His long black raven hair is gently swaying with the warm wind. Caligula looked more attentively at his face, he noticed that the red handprint in his face earlier when they are at the basilica is now gone.

'I wonder who did that to his handsome face' Caligula wondered. Caligula stepped back, and give a once over to Lepidus over all appearance. Lepidus who is quietly standing, still deep in thought, didn't even realize what Caligula is doing.

'When he's not opening his mouth to provoke me, and only standing quietly here like this, not giving me those unnerving gaze....i can feel his confident aura'. Caligula continue to examined Lepidus. 'Somehow he makes you feel safe, it's soothing'. It's been so long that someone piqued his interest like this, the last one is his childhood friend, Asprenas, and it's been ages. And he only got interested in Asprenas because of his father, Lucius Nonius. His father and Asprenas's father is good friends. Germanicus is not as close to anyone as much as he is close to Lucius Nonius. Caligula find their friendship unparalleled. And because of that, he and Asprenas are always left together whenever one visits another. He has no choice but to observe Asprenas and be curious how he tick.

'But why am i thinking like this?' Caligula started to frown. 'I don't really have the time or energy to waste on someone else, do i?' memories of the earlier incident at the trichlinium resurfaced, and he winced. It fueled his decision to douse Lepidus' fire. 'especially to a pleabian, no. what am i even doing?.'

And with that, Caligula with the intention to end things before anything began, told Lepidus, "So this is where we part ways"

Lepidus lifts his head up and looked at Caligula's eyes, a bit taken aback by suddenly hearing Caligula's sudden words --he had been in a deep thought, wondering how to ask Caligula for five more dates.

'What? Oh.. is this really it? Really?', Lepidus is panicking. 'But.. i only just.. no no no.. i just started to get to know more about you..', like an addict who'd tasted a drug for the first time, Lepidus emotions has shown in his handsome face. But the emotion that holds him the most is -fear. He can't help but feel afraid of not being able to be around Caligula, he felt like this was his one and only chance, last opportunity to convey how he really feel. 'Its suffocating'.

Caligula saw the emotions on his face, from surprised, to sadness, and then fear. Caligula frowned more, 'Fear? Why feel fear?'

Lepidus did not answer or argue. Instead, he tried to hide the expressions in his face, he stopped looking at Caligula's face, he breathed in, turned around and gazed at the moon, as if to compose himself. The moon, it is shining so brightly in the sky, his eyes started to get hot. Tears are forming, He breath in the air, calming himself and after a long silence "I still have my wish though.." He told Caligula as if pleading.

"What do you even want to wish from me? You refuse me when i offer you my gold coins.." Caligula answered. He is frowning, he's bothered but can't pinpoint to what bothered him.

Lepidus smiled, "Yes that's true.. because, saving your life is worth more than a few gold coins...", this time Lepidus smiled tenderly with a hint of sadness, making Caligula's heart skipped a bit, he looked like a man that would lay down his life for him?

This time it is Caligula who was taken aback. Lepidus's words struck a chord within him.

"Your worth is more than how much Rome is valued... It's beyond that" Lepidus continued.

Caligula's jaw dropped, his mind reeling from the weight of Lepidus words. For a moment, he forgot to breathe, his heart starts pounding in his chest.

"You like me that much?" Caligula asked in a small voice. Unable to deny with himself, he knew, by the way Lepidus looked at him, like he's the most precious treasure, the only one of the kind in the world. The intensity of his gazes. 'But we've only just met, or does Lepidus....?

"When did you start liking me that much?"

"Its been way too long..." Lepidus answered bitterly.

"How? Why?" Caligula, his mind is a jumbled mess. This is wrong.

'No. This is insane.' "No, dont answer that. I dont need to hear it.!", Caligula denied.

He gave one last glare to Lepidus, "You are insane, liking a man!" Caligula said.

But Lepidus only just stared back at him, not saying anything, only smiling so sadly.

Caligula, unable to say anything anymore, turned around to leave, his steps are fast. Then he heard Lepidus say, "Ive been inlove with you.. the first time i heard your voice calling for my soul." It stop Caligula in his tracks but did not turned around. "Three years ago, in a castrum in Tibur, i heard you singing"

Lepidus confirmed. "I've been crazy inlove with you ever since..", his voice, full of sadness and affection.

Caligula said nothing, then after a long silence, he started to run. Leaving Lepidus outside the Taberna Tigellina.