Duty-Bound

Caligula was unable to sleep well last night. He sat and lay down on his bed all night. He felt sticky - like Lepidus's gaze was still on him. So he decided to wash himself. But the feeling was still there. When he get back in his cubiculum, he still feel uncomfortable, his mind racing with thoughts of Lepidus's words. He tossed and turned, biting back a yell, afraid his mother Agrippina would come running. Caligula's thoughts were a mixture of emotions, all centered around Lepidus. He couldn't understand why this one person had such a profound effect on him. No one, had ever made him feel so.. troubled.? Why does Lepidus's unnerving gazes and presence undone him so.? He replayed their interactions in his mind over and over again, searching for an answer.

Caligula's memories drifted back to that autumn evening three years ago, near Tibur. His father Germanicus let him tagged along for the first time to the castrum. He was 14, and the chilly autumnus air had left him shivering. But when his father, Germanicus, drunkenly boasted that Caligula was just like him at that age, his eyes lit up.

Germanicus, in a jovial mood, asked Caligula to sing. Eager to please his father, Caligula scanned the faces of the drunken soldiers, took a deep breath, and began to sing. His voice, still developing, soared with a peculiar blend of high and low notes, reminiscent of a female soprano and a male tenor.

"As long as you're alive....

shine...

dont be sad at all..

life is short

time asks for it's due..."

Caligula sang Seikilos Epitaph. As the song ended, the soldiers erupted into applause, cheering and whistling. They dubbed him "Caligula" – or little boots – in admiration of his performance while wearing miniature military boots, just like his father's. The nickname stuck, symbolizing the soldiers's drunken affection for the young Caligula and their recognition of his resemblance to his illustrious father, Germanicus.

'So, he is there? But where? What is he doing there?', Caligula wondered. As he sat at the trichlinium for prandium, still lost in thought, not even remembering how he spend his whole morning! 'Because of that.. that pleabian!'.

He steered himself to calm down, 'He is nothing.. nothing. I am a noble, a patrician!' like a mantra he repeats that in his head, concentrating hard whenever his thoughts wander back to Lepidus. He picks his food. Concentrating hard, he doesn't even glance at the people infront of him.

"Caligula..", a voice suddenly called him. It made him flinched but realized that it is Asprenas. Caligula looked up at his friend, who is smiling brightly. 'Why is he here?' Then realizing that all of the attention is on him. He felt so embarrassed. "I've been calling your name for awhile now. What's wrong?". As he once more looked around the room, his eyes wander to Agrippina's eyes. Looking at him. His face immediately snapped back to his normal ones. 'Calm down', he said to himself.

He knew that looked of his mother. It's as if a cold water washed over him. He then looked at Livilla, but she already dropped her eyes to her food that she's playing. 'Right, there is that. The reason why i went out yesterday. Is to take my mind of that. Mother said she'll take care of it. So i dont need to get involve.'

Thats why he went out and waited for Lepidus yesterday to take his mind off what happened at the trichlinium. What happened with Lepidus did really help him forget. And for that he is grateful.. then he wince. 'No. Not grateful at all'.

Caligula composed himself, then excused him and Asprenas, giving a respectful bow to his father who is nursing his head from hang over, and a respectful bow to his mother who's still looking at him. But Agrippina said nothing. She knows that Caligula knew better than to open his mouth.

He led Asprenas to the patio, who is talking about useless things as they walk. Once they get to the patio, Asprenas looked around as if to see if there is anyone listening and say, "So where were you yesterday? I went here at hora octava but the vilici said you went out on your own after meridies." Asprenas pry. They stand near the balustrade of the patio then put their arms on it as they gaze the wide hortus.

"Nowhere, i just have something to do." Caligula deflected.

"Hmm.. then who is that pleabian on the munera? Someone you know?" Asprenas move closely to watch Caligula's reactions.

"Who?" Caligula stammered.

"Well the one who saved you? Did you pay him?"

He remembered Lepidus's words about his life valuing more than the whole Rome. Caligula groaned. Asprenas got interested in Caligula's fresh reaction. This is a first. He always tried to get a rise out of Caligula but always failed.

But that pleabian managed to do what he couldn't. He successfully unmasked Caligula. 'Fascinating', Asprenas thought.

"So who is that pleabian? " Asprenas ask once more. After a long silence. Caligula said, "He said his name is Lepidus."

"Hmmm..", Asprenas hummed, not saying any words. Just observing Caligula's face.

Then Caligula said to Asprenas, "Look at me." Turning his head to face Asprenas in the eyes.

Asprenas not understanding Caligula's shift in the mood, "Im staring at you now though."

His eyebrow is lifting.

"No really stare at me!. Lock eyes with me!",

Asprenas did what he was told, not understanding Caligula's reasons.

As Caligula looked deep at Asprenas gray eyes, he felt nothing. But still, he stare some more. He move in closely, a hand's away from Asprenas face. "Whoa whoa whoa", Asprenas dramatically touch his chest where his heart is, and moved away. "Im sorry, i only like ladies."

Not minding Asprenas strong refusal, 'no, still nothing. I can stare at Asprenas eyes for long but felt nothing'. 'So why on Jupiter's name is Lepidus different!. Maybe because he likes me?'. Caligula looked away and gazed out the patio.

But soon forgot what he's about to say, As he saw an entourage from far away. "Who's that?" he asked Asprenas. As the entourage is still a bit far away, they both squint their eyes and looked closely. Then after awhile, Asprenas said, "Ah its Junia Claudilla.! Right, she's visiting her aunt near Quirinal Hill. But why is she headed here?"

Asprenas question are left unanswered as they were interrupted by the arrival of Junia Claudilla, who is now entering the hortus with her entourage. Caligula's gaze drifted towards the group,

As Junia Claudilla comes closer, with her three female slaves walking, three manicipia who is lifting her litter, and two male guards, a slave comes in the domus and inform Agrippina. Agrippina then walked out of the domus, beaming with excitement, she hurriedly welcome Junia Claudilla in the tablinium. The two who was watching, did not utter any words.

After a while, a servant called for Caligula. "Dominus iuvenis, you are being summoned by the matrona"

Caligula and Asprenas came in the tablinium. Still in the entrance, "Caligula, come here." Agrippina's voice is sweet motioning for him to sit on the couch next to Junia.

Caligula and Asprenas exchanged a confused glance.

"What's she doing here?" Asprenas whispered. Leaning in to Caligula.

Caligula shrugged. "No idea. We'll find out soon enough." Then he comes closely to Agrippina.

The atmosphere was lively, with Agrippina and Junia Claudilla chatting animatedly already.

As Caligula approached, Junia turned to him, a bright smile on her face. Caligula's gaze locked onto hers, and for a moment, he felt a jolt of... something. Her eyes, a dull green, seemed to spark a memory, and he blinked, taken aback.

For an instant, he could have sworn Junia's eyes were a deeper, more vibrant green, like... Lepidus's. But when he looked again, the illusion vanished. Junia's hair, too, was not as dark as Lepidus's, and her features, though similar, were not as finely chiseled.

Caligula's face returned to his normal face, and he smiled politely, joining the two. But his mind lingered on the strange, fleeting resemblance he'd seen.

Then Agrippina's words dropped like a bombshell: "The talks of your engagement, Caligula, are in their final stages."

Caligula's eyes widened in shock. "How final is it?" he asked, trying to process the information.

Agrippina beamed with excitement. "Very final, dear. The arrangements are almost complete."

Caligula's mind reeled. Marriage? To Junia Claudilla? He knew his mother has been working on it for so long but not this soon. And yet, here they were, discussing it as if it were a done deal. He looked at the shy Junia. Then back at her mother.

"But wait," Caligula said, trying to stall. "Drusus's marriage is set for...Autumn, isn't it?"

Agrippina waved her hand dismissively. "So what? That's not the point. Your birthday is soon, Caligula. And I've decided to announce your engagement on that day."

Caligula is shocked.

Agrippina's smile never wavered. "I'm completely serious, Caligulchen. Now, let's not focus on the details. You'll spend time with Junia tomorrow, You should stay here for the time being Junia. Get to know each other better." Agrippina who already heard about Junia Claudilla visiting and staying with her aunt for a week now, is elated. She feels so proud at her father's quick response at the slave she sent to her father's state earlier that day. About telling Junia's aunt to let the 14 year old girl visit their domus.

Caligula nodded, still in shock, but aware that he couldn't refuse his mother's suggestion.

Asprenas, sensing Caligula's discomfort, jumped in with a misguided attempt to lighten the mood. "Splendid idea matrona! And since the munera isn't finished yet, why don't we all three go? It'll be a wonderful opportunity for Caligula and Junia to bond."

Caligula shot Asprenas a withering look, but Asprenas just smiled blandly, pretending he hadn't just put his foot in it.

Caligula's empty gaze shifted to Junia Claudilla, just looking at her reaction to Asprenas's suggestion. At first, she seemed taken aback, her eyes darting nervously between Caligula and Asprenas.

But then, a faint smile crossed her lips, and she nodded eagerly. "Yes, please, Asprenas, you must join us. I'm afraid I'm rather... shy, and the thought of being alone with Caligula is a bit... too soon." Caligula looked again at Junia who seemed genuinely timid. Caligula did not react.

"Of course, Junia! I'd be delighted to join you and Caligula. It's been forever since the three of us meet like this! It'll be a wonderful opportunity for us all to get to know each other better." Asprenas is still at it.

Caligula's expression remained neutral, still feeling a bit shocked to his own engagement.

Agrippina's eyes flicked to Asprenas, a hint of annoyance flashing across her face. But she quickly masked it with a warm smile, not wanting to reveal her true feelings.

"Excellent," she said, her voice dripping with sweetness. "I'm so glad you can all spend time together. Junia, dear, you must tell me more about your family's estate in Baiae. I've heard it's simply lovely this time of year."

As Agrippina expertly steered the conversation towards more pleasant topics, Caligula watched his mother. He knew his mother's moods all too well, and he could sense the subtle undercurrent of irritation beneath her polished facade. Caligula sighed.

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INDEX:

1. seikilos epitaph - ancient greek song inscription, known by the romans

2. Caligula - little boots

3. hora octava - eight hour, 2-3 pm

4. Quirinal Hill - one of the seven hills of Rome, near Germanicus's domus

5. manicipia - male strong slaves

6. matrona - respectful title for a married woman

7. tablinium - reception in the domus

8. Baiae - ancient Roman resort town near Naples