Realization

Caligula finally exhaled, unaware he'd been holding his breath. As Asprenas led Junia Claudilla away, Caligula and Lepidus were left alone once more. Still reeling from Asprenas's discovery of what felt like his dirty little secret and Lepidus's warm breath on his ear that sent shiver after shiver down his spine in a delicious kind of way, that made Caligula scared, so he tried to push Lepidus away. "Let me go," he whispered, his voice weak, his body refusing to cooperate. 'It's like ive turned limp!'.

But Lepidus held him firm, and because they are lock in an embrace, Lepidus seems to feel and hear his heart, drumming into a loud beat. And even though they are on public, in an empty stall, full of noisy passerbys, to Caligula it felt like they are alone. Lepidus's eyes burns with an unspoken intensity as they locked onto Caligula's, not caring where they is.

"How can i leave you alone, Caligula?" he asked, his voice low and husky, sending another shivers down his spine. "It hurts to even think about it." Lepidus tightened his embrace, pulling Caligula closer, their bodies pressed together. The warmth of Lepidus's breath danced across Caligula's already sensitive skin, carrying the faint scent of mint, and it's doing something to Caligula's heightened senses! 'I feel like my heart will finally jump down out of my chest!'

Caligula's mind reeled as he processed Lepidus's words. He realized, with a start, that his loud beating heart was a sign of his own feelings. He was already drawn to Lepidus, but he refused to admit it. 'I will never admit it to him!'.

Lepidus's gaze bore into his soul, and Caligula felt his defenses crumbling. "I really love you, Caligula," Lepidus whispered, his voice trembling. "It is not the kind of love for your parents, or for your god and goddesses, and neither a kind of love you have for your friends.." Lepidus closed his eyes, then opened it, he stared more intensely than he ever did before, "It's the kind of love for a lover.." Lepidus then look down at Caligula's lips. "It's a kind of love that makes me want to kiss you, ravaged you.." A strong desire that almost burn him, can be felt.

Caligula's world tilted on its axis. He felt like he was drowning in Lepidus's words. Lepidus continued, his voice pouring out his heart. "I love your smile, your eyes, your.... lips, the way you move, the way you laugh... everything about you."

Caligula's mind was a jumble of emotions. He struggled to come to terms with his own feelings, but Lepidus's words were like a balm to his soul. 'He was both the poison and the antidote!'

"Caligula, i know this may be overwhelming for you, and i don't expect you to feel the same way... yet." Lepidus's eyes locked onto Caligula's, his gaze softening. "But i want to be honest with you - i want to be more than just friends. I want to be your lover, your partner... your everything."

"I'm willing to take things slow, to start as friends and let you get to know me better," Lepidus continued, his voice low and husky. "But i need you to know, Caligula, that my feelings for you run deep. And i hope that one day, you'll feel the same way."

"My ultimate goal, is to possess you." Lepidus then add like an afterthought.

Caligula felt his vulnerability exposed, and he lashed out. "Then you'll wait forever," he spat, trying to sound convincing. "Because i will never love you." Then he hid his face from Lepidus, looking down.

Lepidus smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "We'll see," he said, his voice dripping with confidence. He gave Caligula a knowing look but he did not see it as he hid his face. Caligula's eyes widened. 'He did heard it.. my heart!'

Caligula's heart sank, but he refused to back down. He knew it within him that he was lying, he already developed feelings..! But he couldn't bring himself to admit the truth. And even if Lepidus came to know, 'I will never admit it'. "We are different.." He looked back at Lepidus's face, still trying to put up his defenses.

But Lepidus's gaze in his face never wavered, his eyes holds a knowing glint from before that he didn't see, and Caligula felt like he already have seen right through him! "Different, yet drawn to each other? Does that truly matter? Perhaps our difference are what make this so intriguing..." Lepidus understanding what Caligula meant about different. It's their different status and at the same time acknowledging that he did see right thru him.

"We are both..." Caligula unable to say that they are of the same gender. But Lepidus understood. He hugged Caligula tighter. His nose on Caligula's hair smelling it. He breathe in of Caligula's intoxicating scent.

"I know.." Lepidus smiled. "But hearts doesn't really have eyes, no? It is blind."

Caligula, still reeling from Lepidus' confession, looks up at him with a mix of emotions. Lepidus, sensing Caligula's vulnerability, takes his hand and makes a promise, breaking their embrace.

"I'll wait for you, Caligula. For as long as it takes. So let me love you.."

******************************

Caligula stumbled into the Circus Maximus, his mind a haze after parting ways with Lepidus, not knowing how he managed to get in there in this state.

All he could remember now is how Lepidus repeated his suggestion to start as friends before letting him leave.. 'He said it's his wish' - the one Lepidus earned by saving Caligula.

Overwhelmed and vulnerable, Caligula had agreed, desperate to escape and gather his scattered thoughts.

As he breathed in the familiar smells of the crowd in the Circus Maximus- sweat, sand, and food - he felt a sudden thirst for air. His body trembled, releasing the pent-up tension and emotions that lingered after Lepidus's intense confession.

Now, as he scanned the crowd, Caligula's anxiety spiked. He dreaded facing Asprenas, fearing his friend's raised eyebrows and disdainful smirk. What would Asprenas think, having witnessed the plebeian's bold embrace?

'He'll think that - i - Caligula has stooped so low.. or he think ive gone mad!'

'Embracing a man in public, no less!' 'Well if he kept his mouth shut, nobody will know!'

'But of course they'll know, if somebody else other than Asprenas saw us!'. Caligula felt an incoming headache.

'What have i gotten myself into!' Still deep in thought as he stepped into the stairs.

'I just want to get Livilla and Nero Caesar's relationship out of my head..' He stopped walking and closed his eyes and sighed.

'But look at me now! I had dive myself head first into something that would also hurt our family reputation!' He felt so vulnerable while being surrounded with a lot of people.

He thought back when he first saw Lepidus.. He thinks hard, 'What made me curious about him? I never should have asked for his name! Never looked at that eyes'. Caligula groan. But it already happened... So how would he deal with this? When whenever he's with Lepidus.. he can feel sparks, no, its more than a spark.. it's like a flame of desire coursing through his veins!

He remembered the exact moment it happened - when he first laid eyes on Lepidus' tall, sun-kissed frame. But it was more than just his physical appearance that caught Caligula's attention. It was the way Lepidus' whole demeanor changed when he saved him. That's the start, he find it fascinating.

Caligula had always struggled to notice people's physical features and their expressions. To him, everyone's face was a blur. But Lepidus' was different. His features were etched in Caligula's mind with perfect clarity. 'It is really because of the eyes.. it is very expressive, it's not because im that dense.'

'So what now? What should I do? Lepidus's gaze unnerves me, he confessed, and I realized i've catch feelings too.. now he suggests that we should become friends to get to know each other, but the order is all wrong.' He clenches his fist in frustration.

'Why am I hesitating and denying my feelings? It's because this is wrong from the start. Our social statuses are a problem, and if our relationship became public, it would damage my family's reputation.'

And the timing too.. what with Nero Caesar's being the heir apparent.. His and Livilla's immoral relationship.. and his engagement...

'Right.. my engagement.. what should i do about it? Well how do i feel about it? Before i met Lepidus, i dont really care.. i'll obey mother because it is what she think is right.. i'm like a wind bell, constantly swinging to whichever direction my mother wants me to swing.. but now.. ive gained consciousness and for the first time, i want to swing into Lepidus's direction.'

'Am i just getting swept away again but by Lepidus feelings, this time?'

Caligula thinks hard.. no. 'Though i admit, that he suddenly came in my life, shooting like a comet and destroying my peaceful world. But the peaceful world im living in - is nothing but a facade.'

And one thing that he realize after all the reasons and cause.. 'I really did fall inlove with him..' Caligula's breathe became easier once he acknowledge the undeniable truth.

"I have to accept it... I've fallen for him. It's like a love at first sight." Caligula's smile was laced with bitterness. His voice just above a whisper amidst the noisy crowd.

*******************************

AN// sooooo i'll leave this chapter for now..!im sort of sad that this novel got rejected when i applied it for a contract. 😢 i just got the notice. altho i did not apply for money, i applied to see if my story is worth it or not.. im doing this for fun.. and to see if i have a talent in writing.. but i guess not lmao. i never should have applied lol! the reason it got rejected is because it's 'Draggy' 😂 well maybe.. it did at first.. oopss rookie mistake 🤭 oh but don't worry, if those who like it, really like it, i'll be back.. two months perhaps. Just to heal my broken spirits like Lepidus. I will finish this Caligula and Lepidus's story! Just hang on! Love you guys! And thanks for reading!!!! comment if you like i would be so happy to read it! maybe it'll shorten my hiatus for one month hehehe.. for the time being, add my novel to your collections ❤️❤️❤️ See you when i see you!