mask

[10;31 PM] [monday]

[December 14 2024]

[Brunei, kuala belait]

[Inside the library of kal's highschool. During break time.]

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My Position. My Body.

I stand, yet it feels as if I'm floating. The concrete beneath me-the blue floors of the library-shift into darkness, stretching out endlessly. My head feels light, as though it's empty, filled only with the remnants of my past self. My soul, body, heart, and another version of me are fighting for control, each pulling in different directions.

I stare blankly at the neatly arranged books in front of me, my mind appearing focused, yet in reality, it's anything but. My thoughts are loud, chaotic, and frantic, while my body remains still-silent in the real world.

A sudden wave of anger, rage, frustration crashes over me, like I'm facing a life-or-death situation. It's as if my survival instincts are waking up, clawing for control in these vulnerable moments.

I sit, arms resting on the table, my friend's words reaching me but failing to register in my mind. I hear them clearly, yet they don't make sense. My friend talks freely in front of me, completely unaware of the storm inside. In my mind, it feels like I'm splintering into fragments, drifting between different versions of reality.

In one of those fragmented thoughts, I imagine my body slowly cracking apart, turning to grey dust, floating aimlessly in the air. Gravity seems to lose meaning in that moment, and the dust swirls around me, consumed by more dust-slowly dissolving me, piece by piece.

"Why? What's wrong with me? Isn't this wrong? But I was jealous... and it's normal to feel that way," I think, fighting against the truth of it all. Jealousy, yes. But it feels like something deeper.

"No, it's not! You're not just jealous. You think you're better than everyone! Get a hold of yourself!" A voice inside me, my voice, roars, trying to push me back into the depths of anger, as a defense mechanism.

"Shut up! Let me think! Let me think! Let me think!" Another voice, more desperate, more childish, echoes in my head, as if throwing a tantrum. I can't make sense of it all, but it feels like I'm losing control, fighting with my own mind.

"I need to fix this. I need to stop. This isn't good..." I think to myself again, struggling to hold on to some semblance of clarity.

My willpower is hanging by a thread. I'm teetering on the edge of a dark void, trapped between two choices that both seem equally suffocating. But it doesn't matter. No matter which side I choose, they both lead to the same place.

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"Kal?! Are you okay?"

I snap out of my thoughts, startled. Fiq's voice pulls me back, but his expression-smug, amused-makes it clear he finds my dazed state funny.

I swallow the lump in my throat. My chest feels heavy. My eyes are wide open, yet everything is a blur, as if I'm caught between two different realities.

"Nothing. Just thinking, bro. Chill."

I force a lighthearted tone, masking the storm that nearly consumed me just moments ago.

Fiq-my friend of nine years-sits across from me in the library. Beside him is Danish. And next to Danish is someone I refuse to acknowledge because they aren't my friend.

"Hmm... really though, are you okay? You've been so gloomy today. What's the matter, bro?" Fiq asks again, his voice light-hearted, unaware of the weight pressing down on me.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just got a lot of schoolwork to do, etc., etc.," I reply, brushing it off as I reach into my pocket. I pull out my watch and check the time-10:31 PM. We've been sitting here for eleven minutes.

I let out a quiet, reluctant sigh before standing up. Bending down, I grab the strap of my bag, sling it over my shoulders, and adjust it so it clings securely to both.

"I'll be heading out. See ya," I say, keeping my voice light and detached.

The others glance at me, surprised by my sudden eagerness to leave.

mizan-the one with glasses, sitting beside Danish-glances at his wristwatch. "Huh? But it's only 10:31. There's still time before 10:40."

"I know, I know. I just feel like getting to the next class early. Besides, I'm always late for one reason or another-whether I remember why or not. So yeah, see ya."

With that, I turn my back on them and walk toward the exit. Pushing the glass doors wide open, I step out, leaving them behind.

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Lately, I've been distant. Detached.

Whether with friends or family, it's like there's an invisible barrier between me and everyone else-

one that I can't seem to break.

And I don't know why.

I try so hard to feel something-empathy, sadness-but all I ever seem to feel is jealousy.

Still, I push my emotions aside. Everything is fine.

I have too much to do to let this bother me. ICT projects for English, where the topic is poverty. ICT projects for math, where the topic is rice. And on top of that, I have my own responsibilities-

ongoing stories to write on Wattpad, siblings to take care of.

I don't have time to dwell on my feelings.

Everything is fine.

There's nothing to be sad about.

...

Or so I thought.

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[10:40 PM] [monday]

[December 14, 2024]

[Across the Hallway of Kal's High School]

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I was on my way to my option class, Design & Technology-D&T for short. Despite my struggles with numbers and formulas, I excelled at bringing ideas to life through sketches and designs. It was the one subject where I felt like I had some control.

Pulling out my pocket watch, I checked the time again. 10:40 PM. I was cutting it close.

The hallway remained busy, a constant hum of voices bouncing off the walls. Some students lingered, at ease, probably because their teachers were absent-either sick or simply running late. It happened often enough that no one really cared anymore.

Each student, each class, each teacher… even the security guards here were different, contrasting against the school's own indifference to discipline.

I took a slow, measured left turn down the next hallway, lined with classrooms, each door shut-some locked, some not.

Then-impact.

Someone crashed into me with excessive force, shoving me back. The sudden jolt sent my bag's zipper flying open, my books spilling onto the floor.

At first, I assumed it was an accident-maybe a junior playing tag or some kid rushing to class. I was close to brushing it off.

But as I rubbed my eyes and gathered my fallen books, I looked up-and saw him.

Adrian.

He stood there with that familiar smug expression, his group of cronies chuckling behind him.

Adrian was a year younger than me, yet already a tenth grader. I was a ninth. That didn't stop him from making my life hell.

I exhaled, trying to suppress my irritation. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I faced him directly.

"Dude, you've been bothering me for months now. Could you stop bumping into me on purpose?" I asked, frowning, hoping to defuse whatever this was before it escalated.

Adrian feigned confusion, his voice exaggeratedly loud, ensuring the passing students heard.

"Bumping into you? On purpose? For months? Pfft, what are you even talking about, kiddo?"

The crowd around us grew. Students slowed their steps, turning their heads, forming a loose circle of spectators.

I clenched my jaw. I hate this.

"Never mind, bro. Never mind." I scoffed, shaking my head. "You look like a twig anyway, not worth my time. Stupid fuck."

I flipped him off and turned away, not bothering to check his reaction. Not worth it.

But before I could take more than a few steps, something yanked me back-hard.

I stumbled, my balance ripped away as Adrian's friend, Felix, grabbed my bag. The last thing I saw was his sneering face, arms outstretched, before-

Darkness.

Not just any darkness.

A void.

It spread from the edges of my vision, creeping through the students in the hallway, swallowing everything. A deep, shapeless shadow, like something pulled straight from my imagination.

I felt something-my fist connecting with something soft.

Then another impact.

My body tensed.

My mind-blank.

Logic-gone.

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[10:41 PM] [monday]

[December 14, 2024]

[Across the Hallway of Kal's High School]

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One minute.

That was all it took.

The next thing I knew, Adrian's head was smashing against the glass billboard mounted on the wall.

CRACK.

The sound of shattering glass cut through the air, silencing the entire hallway.

I stared down at my hands. My body. My memory.

I wasn't just not in control.

I didn't even remember what happened.

Adrian collapsed to his knees, stunned, blood trickling down his temple.

I turned. Felix clutched his stomach, his face twisted in pain, his expression one of pure panic-pure fear.

He hadn't expected this.

Neither had I.