Feels...like nothing...good

i stop, and see an entrance to a park, i walk in, i open my eyes wide and see a beautiful lake ahead. Splendid. Behind me, all these tiny, narrow paths, that could've taken me here, don't even know which one i took, all lead here though. And following them back, feels like would get me here again. They seem so twisted and overlapping. i walk some more on the narrow path i'm on now, at the edge of the lake. i don't want to go at…i don't want to see them.

i find myself near a bench, so close to the lake, you could dip your feet in the water while sitting on it. i climb from the side of the bench and sit down on it. i take off my shoes, and my socks, and dip my feet into the water. It feels, like i would dip my feet into the ground, if the ground… Nothing. i feel that resistance, like i'd dip a fry into the sauce, i don't feel touching the sauce, but i feel the resistance it has on the fry.

It's quiet though. And i like moving my feet through the water. i can only hear the sound the water makes, and the nature around me, leaves rustling, birds tweeting, insects buzzing and chirping. In front of me, rising out of the water, lays a tree, looks old like it's been a thousand years there, but so fresh and full of life, that it could still be there a thousand years more. Up in that tree, there's a small nest, on top of the nest is a sparrow, just landed there and as soon as that, the heads of its babies rise up with their mouths open asking for food. Their mother opens her beak and spits the food, dividing it equally amongst those three babies. Then, the mother leaves in a hurry to find some more food. The day is almost near its end.

 *

i wanted to go and check again on George, to see what he's doing. i still can't believe what he said last night, but he went through something, through a lot, with his family… i get up on the bench, jump over it, light up a cigarette, and start towards George's house.

The path ahead is simpler now, so i quickly find my way out of the park. i'm better. i feel like i slept a little, back there, but don't remember it. The good thing, my thoughts are a bit calmer, and my voices are a bit easier on me.

i throw away the cigarette and light up another one. Maybe this is my fate now… To smoke cigarette after cigarette, without being afraid of any consequences, roaming and wandering from acquaintance to acquaintance, until i finally break down mentally. And after…when all the people i know, die…what will i do next? Completely alone.

i arrive at the building he lives in, after i take a walk around it to gather some courage, i enter it. i throw the cigarette, and climb the stairs up to George's floor, stop again, in front of his door. i wait, without having any will or push to enter. i gather a deep breath of air into my lungs… Exhale. Take another deep breath. Exhale it, and take another. i take the first step in…

"Wait."

i wait. It's Him.

"you don't want to enter now."

"Why?"

"Because…alright, think of it this way. The sun, it's like a…spotlight, and the people in the middle of the spotlight are feeling uncomfortable, watched, and so they hide themselves, they put a mask on, create a character, and play it. They never play themselves. After the spotlight turns off, thus the sun sets, people finally feel alone, and safe, and take off their masks, like a very uncomfortable article of clothing that they waited all day long to take it off. And they return to their real selves. What do you want to see? A mask, or their real selves?"

"Why would they behave differently if they're still alone? Day or night."

"Because of the light. It makes them feel that they're not alone, feel followed, observed, and people have a different self for when they're not alone. But, once the sun goes down, and the darkness sets in, all of them are free, they feel free, to finally, come back to their true selves. Like thieves that feel protected in the dark, protected from the prying eyes. That's how they feel, the ordinary people, at night, hidden by any sight that could judge them."

"Why would i believe this? Why would i believe You?"

"you saw it yesterday, George's behaviour, his thoughts in regard to you. And today, Matt's thoughts. That was the difference between night and day. And you should've already figured out what is this difference, the difference between what you wanted to see, and what you needed to see. Wait, just for a little longer, it won't be too long, and you'll be the witness, of pure truth."

"No."

i take the other step and i'm in George's apartment. There is no sound coming from the kids' room, only the TV, set very low, on cartoons. The kitchen is empty. i pass the living room and get to the small hallway that leads to two more rooms. i hear noise coming from the one on the left, it's George, talking. i get closer to the door and stick my ear to it.

"…I know that there are things that need to be respected, her beliefs and wishes…I know…I know…but…but we don't have the money. Trust me, trust me I know…I know mum wouldn't want to…wouldn't want me to offer her a funeral by the book, knowing the situation that I'm…that we are in. I have a brother and a sister, both small, I have to take care of them and…"

George takes a longer pause, listens, he wants to say something, but i don't think the other person on the phone is letting him say…

"Listen to me you piece of shit! Mum wouldn't want me to use all the rest of our money for her funeral…how do I know?! Because I wouldn't fucking want it, if they were to use all of their last money, to bury me. Yes…sorry…no, I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have…yes, I choose incineration…it's my final decision. Thank you, good night to you too and I'm once again… Fuck! Of course you closed…"

He sighs louder than i ever heard a person sigh. i hear him putting the phone down on wooden furniture. And then everything stops. It's too quiet. i pass through the door and see George crying in his hands. The most silent cry i ever saw. i can barely hear him breathing. i get closer to him, sit next to him, and put my hand on his back. He moves his back, tries to scratch himself on the place i put my hand on.

i forgot i could touch him. But i can't even do that properly. If i could talk with him right now, try to comfort him, just be… i promised that i'd be here for him. i promised him that. i shouldn't have gone back to the cemetery, i was selfish. Fuck me.

Above him, through the window, i see the sun almost set, hiding behind the buildings. George gets up suddenly and starts throwing things through the room. Smashing everything he catches.

"I can't believe what's happening to me! First my mum died, left me and my brother and sister all alone. And now my friend? Why the fuck is everyone leaving me?!"

i'm sorry George, i really am…

"…he came to Brașov to stop me, to help me and…and because of me…"

It's not because of you George, don't put this on yourself, please. It's my fault. It's just… George suddenly stops from his crying. Outside the window, i notice…the sun is no more.

"What do I mean because of me, he didn't die because of me."

"Yes, yes, continue."

"Go away!"

"you're about to find out, the truth."

"he didn't die because of me, he's just stupid, I don't even know why I considered him a friend. I'm glad he died, it was just his fault. He died like a dumb-ass."

"No…what the fuck are you doing George?! Why?! Why are you acting like He says?!"

"Leave him be, himself, and listen closely"

"I won't even come to your funeral. Oh but yes, in fact I'll come, just so I'll know where your grave is, so I can come back later at night and piss on it. I hope you're burning in hell right now."

"See? Truth, uninhibited, unvarnished, unfeigned, pure."

"SHUT UP!"

i run to the window and jump through. But i don't break free. i just land on the asphalt as if i just jumped off the curb. Will this never end, what's happening with me now? i light a cigarette and sit down on the curb. i wait to calm down. i start crying. Why doesn't death bring my suffering to an ending? Why do i have to keep suffering for an eternity? Why?

"Why?! Why are You doing this to me? After You just killed me? Why can't You leave me the fuck alone?! You hear me?! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! LEAVE mE ALONE!"

"I'm sorry, I can't."

"What do You want from me…?"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are."

"No, no, NO! Shut up! Shut the fuck up already!"

i get up and start running. Cigarette in my mouth, no looking back, just running ahead. As fast as i can. i run. Without getting tired, without feeling the need to slow down, after a dozen minutes of running, i stop. Even if i could run for ever, without having the physical limits my previous body had, it becomes tiresome. The sky is without trace of light. At least i got away from…

"Enough? Done with your thing?"

Or not.

"Done."

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are."

"i don't know."

"C'mon, try."

"Why? Why do You want to know this? What are You going to do with this information? What do You want from them? From me?!"

"Haven't you figured it out by now?"

"No. Haven't i suffered enough by now? Not even for You?"

"I'm just trying to show you that I was your only friend, all this time. Time in which you didn't even knew about My existence."

"And what do You want from them?"

"To show you that they are not your friends!"

"Wh…"

"To show you that they don't deserve your suffering. It's not worth it, to suffer for them like you do right now. I want to show you how you led a false life, full of false friends, and now, to show you how they truly are. Maybe this way, you'll find out what am I for you. How many sacrifices I have done, for you."

"And what the fuck are You for me?!"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are."

"What sacrifices have You done for me?!"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are."

"For how long have You been my friend?!"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are."

"Answer me!"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are."

"Alright! You are! You are the truest, truly the truest and most friend i have! You helped me, You where always with me! Are You happy?! Just leave me alone! Please, just begone!"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are."

"Now how does it help You, that i recognized all this?"

"you have to believe it."

"How do You know i don't believe it?"

"Because I know more about you than you do."

"What do You want from me?"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are!"

"How does this help You?!"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are!"

"Why?!"

"To show you the truth."

"Maybe i don't want to know the truth."

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are!"

"i don't want to know the truth!"

"Tell Me!"

"i don't want to!"

"Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are. Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are. Tell Me who the dearest ones in your life are. Tell…"

"my parents! They are… my parents… But You already knew this. my parents!"

"Good. And why then, have you hesitated until now to see them? If they are so dear to you?"

"Because…"

"Because you knew. you knew already what you were going to see, and you were afraid."

"It's not true. They are my parents. They don't hide anything from me. They have nothing to hide."

"Ah ha haa hah ah ha ha hah… you have no idea how many things have they hidden from you. What they wanted to do to you at some point. Only I, helped you in those moments. I and only I!"

"There's no way!"

"Then why did you hide from them until now?!"

"Because i didn't wanted to see how they…"

"you can lie to yourself how much you want, but you can't lie to Me. Why?!"

"If i saw them suffering, i'd hate myself, because i made them suffer…"

"Still not the truth."

"From pure egoism. i didn't wanted to face my own wrongs, my mistakes. To take responsibil…"

"No!"

"i don't know! i don't know, ok?! i don't know why i didn't wanted to see them. The thought of it made me sick to the core. i don't know why. i just know that…it's the last thing i'd want."

"It's alright. you'll know. The information is there, even if you can't access it right now. Since you've went through the recent transformation, you're more susceptible to the things hidden in you. Including Me."

"Why? What things?"

"I can't tell you, it would be useless anyway, you have to discover alone."

"Discover what?"

"For starters, what do your parents mean to you."

"i love them, that's all…"

"Go, and see with your own eyes! Listen with your own ears! Realize with your own consciousness! And then come back to Me, and tell me with your own mouth, what they mean to you! Go!"

"No!"

He's not answering anymore.

"Do You hear me?! i don't want to go to them!"

He's gone. i don't want to see the truth. i can't. i don't even know why i have hesitated to see them until now. That i did not want to see them suffer because of me, i don't believe in this excuse anymore. i could've handle it. i simply gave them up. i ran from them, and left them…in a moment like this. i have to, i have to go, i have to show Him, the truth. He'll see who my parents are. i'll tell Him what they represent to me. i'll show it.

i throw the cigarette and start running towards the parents' house. i climb the stairs and go straight through the door. Without stopping. Without giving myself a moment to doubt, and stop myself to build up any courage. i'm in the apartment, and i hear them. They're in the kitchen. i stop right before the kitchen door, stunned, blocked, i hear their voices, i don't understand what they're talking about…but i can't be afraid anymore.

"Pay close attention. See for Yourself who my are parents."

i go in, and see them both at the table, eating. i sit with them at the table, on my chair, and wait. It's quiet. They don't usually speak when they eat. Our dinners, together, have always been quiet. They finish eating, mum grabs both plates and puts them in the sink.

"I finally got all the papers needed."

"All of them? So quick?"

"Yes, there wasn't that much of a queue."

"They…took him?"

"Yes, they moved him. I can't wait to end with this funeral already. I can't resist anymore. What have you done at work, are they helping us with the money for this month?"

"They, fired me, they…said that after I destroyed their car, now I'm coming to ask them for money…"

"What?!"

Mum stops from washing the dishes and goes back to the table where she drops on the chair. She starts crying. She stands right next to me, at a hand distance from me. i can touch her, not…

"It's just that shit's fault. he doesn't even deserve to be called son."

No.

"We should've thrown him, back then. We just tormented ourselves to keep him, when he was lost. There was no more hope for him. You said that we'll feel bad if we abandon him. Look at us now, because of him, we're going to sleep on the streets."

"If he would've just died at birth, it would've been so much better now."

i don't…i can't believe. It's not true what i hear. No. my whole body's shaking. Hearing these words… i feel my stomach turning inside out. my whole nature, my soul, turns inside out.

"I never loved him."

"It's better that we finally got rid of him. I'm really glad. But, the fucker dragged us down with him."

i get out. i can't…i can't listen to this anymore. i get out of the kitchen and head to the door.

"We shouldn't even hold the funeral for him."

"We just throw the body in some dump, we find a landfill and get rid of that worthless, useless, weak, despicable, piece of trash."

"NOOOOOO!"

i stop. i…i…i'm going to…! i enter the kitchen, grab the first chair that i see and throw it into the wall. The chair bends and breaks, falling off the wall almost in pieces. On the kitchen floor, everywhere, are small pieces of splinter and wood.

"You can't say something like this! i've dragged you down?! You're going to dump my body?! Like a piece of trash that i am?! i…! i can't wait long enough to see you die. To watch you, on your deathbeds, alone, miserable, hopefully still on the streets. Suffering. Suffering! Suffering so bad that would make the devil cry for you. And i'll just laugh! i can't wait it! i can't wait to see you going to hell. To see your reaction. i'm waiting for you here!"

The image comes back to me, as if everything was black till just now. i calm down, and try to analyse the situation i'm in. Vision is still foggy from the fit i went through. Like i just went through a blind rage. i just now see the terrified looks on their faces, they're in shock, so much… The kitchen is filled with silence, and pieces of wood. The chair…for them, it just suddenly disappeared and appeared again after i sent it towards the wall.

They are stunned, pale, and too afraid to move even an inch. And they look straight at me, as if they could see me. They…deserved this, they deserve even worse. Much worse. i go to the balcony, turn one more time to them, still looking at that spot, where i was, still stunned.

"Go to hell. All of you. Just fuck off to…"

i grab the edge of the balcony. i jump. Till i get to touch the ground, i light up a cigarette. i land and leave.

"you see?"

"What else You have to show me?"

"I don't want to overburden you, we'll leave it for tomorrow."

"Then begone! Until tomorrow…"