CHAPTER 03

"Doris, you're late earlier." Ms.Ayla, the professor whom I treat as a parent, came worried to me. She's been my professor from the beginning of my college days, and until now, when I'm about to graduate, she's still the same. Some things never really change.

"I apologize, Miss Ayla. There were a lot of customers yesterday, I couldn't take a rest. I woke up late earlier." Feeling apologetic, I can hardly face her.

"Don't push yourself too hard, okay?" As she reminds me those words, she then left.

Leo, a friend of mine, arrived exactly when I was about to call him. Leo is the same as me, looking for opportunities in the world of photographies. He's been with me through many trials, so, I can say that, I can trust him.

"Are you taking another job again?" He knows me too well. At this point, do I even have a secret he doesn't know?

"I am. And! Before you tell me anything, I can't ask my sister for financial support. I will, I won't. Never!" Accompanied with hand gestures, Leo laughed it off like usual. Seriously, I can never ask for any help with my family. I mean, how can I ask them for help related to my studies when I'm doing the thing they exactly hated? Instead of help, they would just say a bunch of things. Things that will…yeah, things.

"How about I help—"

I put my hands on his mouth to cover it. He's always like this. He would always butt in anyone's problems and solve it like they are his own problem. Leo is a great man, and I can never change my mind about that.

"I've said it before and I'll say it once again. I will not accept your help. It's not stubbornness, but willingness to act independent, got it? I don't want to rely and become dependent to someone." There's no guarantee that he won't leave me if I become dependent towards him. It's better to learn independently than to rely on someone that you don't know when to go. Aside from that, I don't want to cause trouble for them.

All of us carry different burden. And this burden of mine, I don't want to share this to anyone who's not supposed to experience it. They should enjoy their life instead, and solve their own misery. How can I be shameless to ask them about my own struggle, if they, themselves, are struggling?

"How about I help you find clients? I'll just spread your name, that's it! I swear!" He stated. I would be grateful for that, but I don't think I would like it.

Photography is beautiful. It's an art! You get captivated by it without knowing it yourself, and you fall deeply with it. Photography can fill the blanks in your words, as well as broaden the horizon of your explaination. When you can't think of any words to use on describing it, the beauty will do it justice.

But, right now?

Looking at my trembling hands, I couldn't utter a word. Photography is the soul of my life. It's what reminded me to keep going. Overtime, it navigates the state of my mind and heart. I don't know why I'm drawn to it, or because I inherited this ability but, I just use it as the means to escape the reality.

I am unable to hold a camera. It's not that I won't, but I can't. I refuse to do so. How can you dream of something you can't even protect yourself? It's a waste of time, really.

"I…I'm still finding some inspiration. I don't think I will find it anytime soon. But, thanks for the offer." I expressed.

"Finding? I thought Wyatt was your model?" He seems genuinely confused.

"Haha, of course! But you also know that photography isn't just about human involvement, right? What I wanted to capture the most…that's what I'm seeking right now." He got it. He knows and understands me very well.

I smile, sending him off. We parted ways outside the university, I have job to do, he has his own thing to do as well.

"Doris, smile just like that. You shine the most when you're like this!" He shouted as he walk.

"Hahaha! All right, I got it!" I wave at him and smile.

Leo looks as if he carries a magic. When I feel down, He would often appear in front of me and talks randomly with me. If not that, when we part ways, I always end up smiling like a genuine fool.

But…sometimes, I'm afraid.

I don't know how long those affection will last. When you learn the truth of someone, your instinct automatically distances itself from that person. I'm afraid we will be like that when the time comes. However, at times like this, I just want you to see me as a person. A person who could lose everything she has in any moment. But at the same time, A woman who got nothing to lose to herself.

How I wish for you, no, for everyone to see me like that. Just a foolish, simple hope.

'If you try to heal the wound someone else caused, you ended up getting hurt. But, getting hurt means you're facing it. You should see yourself for yourself. That way, even if the people closes their hearts to you, you wouldn't feel alone. — Khain the Poet.'

Khain…Is she and Andres the same person? or, do they just share the same name? What a coincidence.

It felt like this message was speaking to me. As if this was meant to be read by me. To be heard by me, and to be understand by not anyone, but me. How magical. See yourself for yourself…

Am I not seeing myself for myself enough? I wonder.

"Good Afternoon, Welcome to Her Letters! What would you like to order?" A smile flashes through my face when a customer entered the shop.

Positivity for positivity. That's it.

And at one glance, there's this feeling I get.

People may leave, but this person. The very person in my eyes, She won't. She will just, perhaps, continue staring at that window, doing nothing but long for something. At least then, I know, that even one person is capable enough to stay with me. That…I am a person that can be choosen by others as well.

"Doris, can you give this to table 8?" The manager ask, of course, I have to comply with her orders.

I carried the tray that bears the tea she usually drinks, and once again, I showed my genuine kind of smile.

I am unaware of many things. But one thing I can never be unaware of is my very own emotions. That includes the feelings I deal with, not just to anyone, but to a certain number of people.

"Hello, Andres! Here's your order." I smiled as I put her drink down the table. As usual, she greeted me with her solemn expression. For a few weeks now, from the very first time up until now, she's only showed one expression when she's inside the cafe.

This very solemn look of hers. As though she's ready to throw everything off, and risk the things there is to risk.

And to me, it was a look of admiration. I admire her for that, it feels like she's having a serious battle on her own, and what I wanted to was nothing but root for her silently.

"Call me when you need something." I said, as I watch her nod in silence, I realized how different we are.

But maybe, even those differences could become the strength of our relationship.

— Alejandria

Letter for Winter,

What is life?

If you ask me, I'd say…It's nothing.

But if you ask me for a sincere answer,

It's everything.

When you are not passionate enough,

They say, you're not trying enough.

If you work too hard,

They would say,

You've overdone it, take it easy.

Sometimes, life can be good.

Oftentimes, It is cruel. Cruel enough to crush you.

They say, if you struggle with it,

ask for help.

But, How can I?

When I don't even know the reason for it.

Have you ever feel like, you're in a rush?

For what? You feel uneasy about everything, often

keeping you awake at night. When was the last time you've felt your heart soften?

You keep saying, 'I am proud of myself.'

However, those words…

Were the opposite of your tears.

'I have a lot of things to think'.

But it's so messy, you don't know where to start.

Does it even have a start?

I am one with myself,

but…

It seems like we're betraying ourselves for it.

We persecute no one but ourselves.

You hated everything that bothers you,

And sing praises when it blends with you.

Tell me,

What's wrong?

I'll be the poet

who rewrites your pain,

and addresses your scream.

Censio, 'Khain.'

I put down the pen and went straightly blank after writing the letter that will close the book of winter. After watching the crowd last week together with Doris, I made up my mind to start writing the book of spring. This will consists of letters, poems, and everything that will happen in the span of three months. I'll write it with a mindful heart, so that it will come off as a sincere letter to everyone who may read it in the future.

"Tell me about this spring letter more, Andres."

Eden casually remove his coat and throw it at one of the chair, he proceeds on questioning me while he pours himself a warm, delightful coffee.

"That's it for you to understand." I said. Eden wouldn't get it even if I want make him understand for it anyway. He possess a big head, yet his brain rivals that to a goldfish.

"You are not making any sense, that's why! what do you mean, you won't write love about it but also writes about it?" He's literally confused. But it's more fun this way.

"It does make sense. I won't if I can't, I will if I can."

He raise both his arms up, signifying for a complete surrender. There's no point in explaining it to someone who won't really understand it, no matter how you explain it. That's how it is for Eden and I, so now, I only say it the way I told him earlier.

"Say, what do you know about life?" I ask. Usually, I don't ask such things, not expecting anything from him. Eden is a smart, calculating man. Even though he rushes me off from writing, he wants the best for me, even that, I know. We are both distant with words, but in emotional connection, I'd say…we're pretty connected. Because even if we don't ask each other, we know the answer.

He lies a lot. Often a lot. His cold with words, brutal to even describe it. But if you see his words on another perspective, you will actually learn his way of thinking. He's been acting like a dog to anyone, pleasing them however they want to be please. Eden often spout words of lie, and that lie…well, it gradually becomes the truth. And that shapes Eden as who he is right now.

"I am not a poet maniac who ponders about these things, and I will never be. However, if you ask me like that, of course I should answer." He thinks for a moment. A moment he can share with me, not to anyone else. In fact, I wasn't just asking about life, simply as it is. I was asking him to share a vulnerable variable with me. A variable I can hold for a long time.

After much thinking, it seems to me he reach the variable he wants to give to me.

"If…"

"If the world gets so much louder, close your eyes and cover your ears. Don't be so reckless with the things you see, because it's important. It's important for you to know what you need, as to what you want. Those two are different things that you should never mix up. Don't limit yourself, Andres. It was enough that we, the company, as well as this world, who tries to limit and restrict you. If it's your fate to look at this image, then you just need to think that, It's you against all the odds. You have the whole world trying to limit your actions, so don't do yourself like that too. Does that answer your question?" Eden definitely answered it. He did, bravely at that.

"If the world gets louder…would it be much more louder than the ones on my mind?" It was a joke that only Eden and I could talk about.

"Well…wouldn't your head be much more louder? after all, what you seek the entire time is death. Death is a vast word, didn't you say that?" He played it off and grab his coat.

"I'm going now, take care." He added.

Eden is the foundation I've laid myself on. That fact will never change. Ever.

—

"The usual tea, please." I said, handing the card for the payment. After finishing some papers I needed to prepare for the publication, I went straightly here to contemplate about nothing once again.

I went as often as I can, that every single individuals working here knows me well now. Where I sit, what I drink, as well as what I do. I do nothing for hours straight. For them, it would be normal to think that I'm wasting my time off for nothing.

"We will deliver it to your table, Khain." After letting me know, I went straight ahead to my table. Pondering about the questions that has been on my mind for a while now.

If I want to create the letters for spring, I need something—someone to create it. Not just creating it, but writing it off for me. If I can just write this well, I'll be fine letting everything go. It will be the last part of the book I needed to have, after all.

"What are you thinking so seriously that you didn't hear me calling for you?" Doris appeared right in front of my eyes. She's wearing a casual outfit, that must mean she finish her work shift here for today.

I pick up the tea she drop over and reconstructed my words carefully. I don't want to be seen as someone who rush things off, that's not what I want.

"No, nothing." I replied.

In the end, those words were the only phrase I could let go of inside my mouth.

"Andres…what's your job?" My eyes shifted on her when I heard her ask this. I thought she knew about it, but I guess she didn't. Then it crossed my mind, that moment when she asked my name, it wasn't for any purpose. It was just to simply confirm my identity as a customer. And I was the one who put my name on their system.

"I'm unemployed." I said, as if it wasn't a big deal. Because the truth is, It really wasn't that big of a deal to me. I can write whenever I want, whatever I long to write for, which is exactly what I dream of.

She's shock. I mean, at this point in life, where poverty exist, with advance technology and modern beliefs, it's rare for someone to be unemployed. Technically, I'm not unemployed. I'm bound by the company, but the company…they can't do anything about me at all. I am their asset, and they are my connection. It's a win-win situation to use for.

But, telling her these things, as well as my job wouldn't be important. There's no reason to say about it, and nothing to gain.

"But do you dream for something? like things you want to achieve or so?" I find it hilarious. If I answer her truthfully here and now, I feel like she would change her perspective. She's as curious as a cat.

'To die.'

"To live." I told her.

"What about you? guessing the vibe I'm getting from you, you're a photographer, right?" I made a guess, back then and now, that's the only energy I'm gaining from her.

"Photographer…yeah, you're right about that!" She answeres. To be honest, the way she answered just now puts me off. Her soul feels like there's someone holding it. Holding her.

"If so, why aren't you picking up your camera right now? what are you doing in this tiny, unpopular shop?" I don't know, I feel like I'm prying to her privacy, but at the same time, I can't just stop myself from doing so.

There was long silence before she started speaking.

"I gave up, for some time now."

"I don't have the right to hold a camera. There was an incident that happened, and upon learning the truth, I couldn't bring myself to touch a camera again. It felt like I'm destroying the art, so I stayed away from it." Her voice was rather calm, as though she already accepted everything to her life. She's even smiling right now, genuinely at that.

"Who told you to put the opinions to yourself? hold the camera once again."

"You can't always control the fate of each individuals. But you have the right to control yourself from them. Their decision is not your decision, Doris. You need to learn how to accept their opinions, but keep them from shaking your ability to decide for your own sake. If you fear it, then that means you're doing it right. Your fear of losing it is the amount of love you've hold for that."

"Who decides who? If you're passionate enough to want to hold the camera, then do it. Opinions are opinions, your decision and willingness are what mattered the most." I stared at the window for a long while. Those words that I have said, those were the words I longed to hear from when I was struggling to handle and see things the way they are.

"You can slow down for a moment, Doris. But, who would pursue your passion if not you?" I smiled.

"You have your way of words, which is incredible." I'm glad to see her smile like this once again.

"The truth is, I lost the passion and inspiration to do it. Right now, I'm finding it as fast as I can, to prove something to the ones I need to prove myself with." She admitted.

Her lost inspiration, and my lacking season.

"Say, how about I help you find your inspiration back?" I offered. She was bewildered of my words, but I did not give it much thought.

"What do you mean?" She's seriously looking like Eden right now. That genuine confused state of them is really similar.

"Exactly as that. I'll provide you the inspiration and give you back the passion to do it. In exchange, just talk to me like this whenever you have the time for three whole months." It was a daring proposal, but it's what mattered to me the most.

She will become my friend, and I'll be her benefactor. Simple as that.

"I'm gay, Andres."

…

What?

"What does that have to do with my proposal? If you're gay, then so be it. There's no problem at all." It's the truth. I don't see myself backing out just because I've learnt how she identify herself. I'm even grateful she shared this with me.

"Are you sure you won't regret this?" She ask.

"Of course, I won't." I was confident as to speak. But that confidence isn't really the best choice to equip yourself with at times like this.

'Would I do it again if I knew the things that were bound to happen? Maybe, I would.'