Dead Sun Illumination I

A foot slams down, grinding my shoulder.

"Gambler who schemes behind the scenes,"

I lift my eyes to the dragon's scornful stare.

"Fortune has abandoned you, a flame on a frozen field."

The scythe presses sharp against my neck. Blood snows from hell.

Hell now and then, hell ever after. This fairy tale was never meant to have a happy ending.

How long since I've been lost in this world anyway? Are they waiting for me still? Is she still—

"It's over."

I wonder if it ever truly began. If so, when?...

When did it all begin to fall apart?

From the very beginning?

The very beginning…

***

Every day feels the same. Some kids pursue passion. Others chase goals. And me? Hahh.

I just exist. Nothing moves me now that my body's old.

In my youth, I pursued thrills also.

I fought in the underground rings where every brawl could end me.

I broke bones for money and it paid better than an honest job.

So it went.

All highs come with a fall. I now count my days while awaiting the inevitable.

Though there are still rare moments worth holding onto in these miserable days of mine.

"Uncle Chuan! Happy birthday!" shouts the scrawny kid before me. The boy.

"Greetings, Uncle. Happy birthday to you!" babbles the other one. The girl.

My nephew and my niece.

I limp to the door, open my arms wide, and embrace the twins as I buckle.

My back screams in pain despite the innumerable spine surgeries I've spent half my life savings on. 

"Hahaha! Look who's grown so much! You were at my knee the last time we met. It was just a month ago," I greet grandly.

The girl hugs my arm while the boy, the bastard, climbs onto my shoulder.

"Let go, Cei!" my sister Mei shouts at the little dipshit, hanging the coats on a hanger as she steps through the doorway.

She then takes off her shoes and says in a disciplinary tone, "Uncle has undergone another operation. He's not well. Let go of him this instant!"

"Lies! No way!" Cei raises his hand, staring back at his mother with a furrowed brow.

"Uncle is strong, so strong in fact he can carry a boulder on his fingertip! Didn't you say so yourself, Mom? Isn't that right, Uncle?"

The boy looks back and forth between Mei and me.

"Of course! There's nothing this uncle of yours isn't capable of!" I lie shamelessly, lifting the boy high into the air.

A proud smile suppresses my screams. Internally, I cry rivers. 

"Me too! Me too!" says Wei, raising her hands and waving them with a stupid grin on her small face.

Oh hell no. These unfilial children haven't seen the face of a slipper or the whip of a belt, it seems to me.

Anyway, I lift the other kid, too.

Oh, is that a crack I just heard?

It can't be my spine, can it?

I slowly put the two rascals down, barely holding myself back from dropping them midway.

My neurologist won't be pleased at tomorrow's meeting.

It is worth it still. I'd rather die a man than a coward!

This kind of sacrifice is nothing.

I don't want Cei and Wei to think of me as some weak old man destitute of strength when they grow.

After some small talk, I lead the family to the kitchen and slump onto the sofa.

Mei prepares dinner while the children go play in the living room. They build a bastion from all the pillows they can find throughout the house.

"How have you been?" my sister asks absentmindedly, tasting the soup she's boiling with a spoon. "Still clinging to old life? You look like you're about to kick the bucket from boredom."

"Not at all. I've long said my goodbyes to my associates," I say, grabbing some bread.

"As for health," I mumble, biting into the dough. "I'm more or less fine. Nothing to worry about. Didn't you see for yourself?"

She sighs in clear annoyance, lightly stamping her foot on the floor. "Have you found any hobbies? Maybe a woman? It's not the health I'm most worried about."

"Hobbies, you ask? Well, I've been writing a book recently," I tell her as I listen to the kids quarrel in a room afar.

"A book?" she asks with bewilderment in her voice. "Would never think you're into literature. But…"

Mei turns the gas off, opens a shelf above, and takes a handful of bowls. "Come to think of it, you used to be into reading literary fiction when we were young, before you got involved with the mafia…" 

"So," she utters, "what's the book about?"

"Not sure yet," I say as the delicious smells assault my nose. "I've been inspired by the novel I recently read. I'm cranking out a few pages daily."

"Well, whatever it is, I'm glad for you."

"Thanks."

She sets the dishes on the table one by one: vegetables, bowls filled with red soup, more bread, and then the utensils and napkins.

"Any news from your friend?" she asks. "The last time you said he was opening a business. A restaurant. What was his name again… ah, Gin. Right."

"Ah," I muster, grabbing the ancient spoon she hands me after sitting. "Shot dead. Gambling debts got to him. I knew it was coming, but pretty sad that with Gin, everyone's dead now."

"Didn't he quit?"

"No way," I say, spooning the bowl of creamy delicacy before me and puffing on it to cool it down. "Gambling is as severe an addiction as smoking and drugs. Only a few crawl back from the rabbit hole once deep in. Gin wasn't one of them, unfortunately. Well, he didn't have much to lose besides his life anyway."

Mei kicks my knee from under the table. "You realize how depressing you sound?"

I sigh.

"Wait, I know," she says, pointing at me.

"Have you had a hand in video games?"