Sacrifices To Jupiter XIX

It hurts. Not outside, no. That, I'm used to. Something inside me breaks.

I think I read it wrongly. Yes. I just lack reading comprehension. Mari was right. I'm fucking stupid. So I must have misunderstood it. Right? Right. Right?! Right!

I look down at the slump of meat protruding from the hole in my robe that I've created when plucking my heart.

Should I just pluck it again and free myself from this misery?

I look further down. At the diamond ball.

There are supposed to be two balls, not one. Also, meaty, not blue. One ball is missing.

I lift my robe. Hahaha. Two balls are missing.

I look at Mari, who now stands at the same height I do, and shed tears, crystal clear, genuine tears of a man. No, not a man. Not even a human. Not even somebody. A nobody.

I've lost my memories.

I've lost my humanity.

I've lost my…

Mari looks at me in fake pity, barely refraining from laughing her ass off.

This must be a nightmare.

"A prank… this is a prank…" I say in the most feminine voice I've ever heard.

Did they just steal my balls? No, no way…

Did I just sacrifice my balls for a gift? No fucking way…

I look back at the nothingness between my legs.

…

FUCK FUCK FUCK

THERE'S NO FUCK!

IT'S FUCKING GONE!

FUCKED INTO OBLIVION!

I've gambled my balls away…

All I had in this world were my balls…

I just lost my everything to a fucking slot machine…

Ninety-nine percent of gamblers quit before they win big.

One percent quit life instead. I think I'm among that one percent—

"Umm… Not everything is lost…" Mari says solemnly, patting my slumped shoulder. "At least you… I think you look… cute?"

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

I fall, and my knees wrack with bloodied pain, and worst of all, my chest wobbles.

"Not cute… only… haha…" she mumbles. "Like cutesy badassery, you know…?"

She's doing it on purpose, isn't she? I want to fucking kill her. But I have no fucks to kill with.

My heart. I can't. I need to pluck it. My eyes too. I want to unsee it. I need to.

"You just became a real magical girl. That's what you wanted, no? That's kinda cool, no?"

No. Hell no. Fuck no. Fucked I am if I am any cool with it.

I didn't become a magical girl. A magical mommy instead.

What are these bazongas? Why are they the size of melons? No, almost watermelons. How am I even supposed to walk with these two shits?

Though… it kinda does look fuckab—

I slam my head against the floor, the floor not fixing my head. It's broken. Everything is broken.

Wait! I know! It said I'm only a bitch when darkness descends!

"When is the morning coming?!" I shout, my voice a pathetic screech, looking at her desperately, blood waterfalling down my forehead, mixing with tears. Never before did I want to see the sun rise so much. The sunrise.

"Mornin?" she asks apathetically, puzzled, creasing her brows. "We're in the Darklands—"

NO NO NO NO NO NO—

"No morning. There is no morning here," she finishes her devastating blow, eliminating the last sparkles of hope I had, burying my dick, my desire to live.

"Bullshit!" I scream with tears and snot, pointing at the diamond windows above and beyond, at the blue orb lurking in the skies beyond and above the fog and auroras. "You said there is sun! If there is sun, there must be morning! Why are you deceiving me?! Stop fucking around! When will the moon be gone?!"

"Begone? Moon?" Mari breathes tiredly, raising her slender hand up her face and shaking her round head left and right.

She points at the orb with her other hand. "That thing is the sun. Moon has long perished in the Ragnarok with the death of Odin."

"Sun? That dwarf?! This is bullshit!"

"Yes yes indeed, the sun," she repeats, crossing her arms and leaning forward with a step. "The sun is dead, and that is how demons came to be to begin with. Miasma corrupted the lands, and most of the lands became Darklands."

"Anyhow, I'm tired explaining it all," she whispers annoyingly, walking toward me. "Just what the hell happened? You were fine a moment ago, no? Then you suddenly turn into a beauty seen once in a century. Most would die for it."

"Die for this?! Who the fuck in their right mind would want to become a woman!?" I shrill, throwing my arms out and wide and lifting my bouncing chest. "Women have a ruined disposition from birth! A dude gets muscles while a girl gets back problems. Running like a pigeon! Pumping out blood eggs every month like a factory with no off switch, like a malfunctioning vending machine… A biological livestock!"

Mari writhes in disgust, looking at me like looking at the lowest form of a lifeform. Well I am!

I ramble on, "They bear a child in their stomach for months like a scot! A glorified incubator! After nine months of suffering of having your organs rearranged and your spine snapped in half while your bladder turns into a yoyo ball, what do you get?! A little devil that shits itself and eats at your future."

"Have you had no mother?" she asks, her eyes twitching. "You know how ridiculous what you say is? Besides, men are no better. They have their most important organs in the most exposed area."

"Yes! EXACTLY! The most important organ! AND I don't have it! YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE"

I know I sound ridiculous. I'm not in my right mind… No, it's the opposite.

I'm fully rational, and that's the problem. I can barely feel emotions, fully engrossed in reason alone. There is barely any shred of empathy remaining within me.

I extend my hands toward the heavens. "Balls. Give me my balls back…"

But do I really care? Some part of me cares. It still does. But…

A man or a woman, who gives a shit? A schlong or a hole, who cares?

Why would I hate my body? No, why would I care about my body?

It's a ridiculous notion. As if such a thing can break me.

I remember it. The first time my body got mutilated.

I felt empty, broken, despaired. I wanted to end it.

Yet I soon realized that the body is merely a shell. 

Or am 

Am I deluding myself?