I CAN'T BE MORE FOR YOU

MIKO

"What are you doing?"

Everything in me wants to after Jude, but Rin is looking at me like I am betraying him.

"Why are you treating him harshly like he isn't a part of this group?" I am furious, and he knows it as he looks at me.

Rin is angry, running his fingers through his hair before he looks at me. "Was I supposed not to say anything? Are we supposed to coddle him and not say when he has done something wrong?"

"You targeted him! You yelled and went ahead to make it seem like I was defending him. Why are you doing this?"

"I didn't work hard for all these years only for it to collapse and fail at the last stage!" Rin shouts. He turns to Andre and Rex, who are looking at him with wide eyes. "You got drunk and acted badly on our first sighting."

Zein stands up and stands between us. "Yelling at each other isn't helping, so let's try to calm down first."

"I am going after Jude," I start for the door, but Rin stops me.

"You can't!"

I stop, turning to look at him. "Why not?"

"He is a big boy, he can handle himself."

"Ah, jeez," Andre stands up and starting to drag Zein away. Rex gets up too and starts to get out.

"We will be by the pool," Rex says as he takes his pillow.

"I will look for Jude," Andre gives me a tight smile as he walks out, and we are left alone.

"You want to tell me what's going on?" I approach Rin.

"You know what's going on."

"No, I actually don't know rin," I gesture between us. "You are acting like I am betraying you and yelling at Jude. You are not being yourself, so why don't you tell me what's up?"

"Don't you need to go after him?"

"I do, and I will. But first, I need to know why you are acting like a jerk to him."

He sighs, rubbing his face. "I needed you yesterday, and you weren't around. I couldn't find you anywhere. You always tell me where you are."

"That shouldn't mean you treat him harshly. You are mad at me, so shout at me!"

I sigh, rubbing my face before sitting down.

"I went to get Jude, I wanted him to experience the city. Is there something wrong with that?"

Rin falls silent as he looks at the floor. "Everything is changing," he finally whispers.

"What do you mean?"

"You," he looks up at me, "you are changing. Ever since Jude walked into our lives, everything has been about him. Your attention, you care; you have abandoned me and turned to him."

I don't have to be a genius to realize that Rin has always had feelings for me. Feelings that extend beyond the friendship lines. He has never said anything, never confessed, so I have never had to deal with it.

I have wished he wouldn't say anything, he won't open that can and make it conscious because I don't feel that way about him. I can't treat him or feel the way he wants me to, and that has always made me feel guilty.

He has been my best friend for years, and because of our friendship, this group is here now, we are pursuing our dreams, and living them.

I have seen his mood change when I get a new fling, when we go out, and when I am hitting on other people or being hit on. I have tried to see if I can like him like that, even if it's in the honour of our friendship.

I have tried to make myself think of us as more than just best friends, but there has been … nothing. I know that in his mind, he sees me as his soul mate, as the person I will end up with, and I tried it, I tried to see if it would ever work out like that.

I hate breaking his heart. I hate making my best friend hurt, but how can I live my life, how can I be true to myself without hurting him?

Every time we go out, we always end up going home together. I suppose he expected that yesterday night too, but things are different, just like he said.

Jude happened.

Jude, the boy I can't get enough of, the boy I sought out when I woke up, knowing he slept on my bed, and I wanted to cherish some more moments with him before reality came crashing down.

I can't try pretending anymore, and I can't stand by and watch him punish Jude because he has my attention. I can't let Rin mistreat Jude because I like him in ways I won't ever like him.

"I don't want to lose you," Rin whispers. "I have been a fool, hoping that you will ever look at me differently, praying that you do. But I have also been a coward for not admitting how I feel about you."

He looks up at me. "I like you, miko. I like you more than a friend, I like you so much that I fear that another person will take you away from me."

There it is. The very thing I was hoping it never come out. But I guess this is good, this way it's out in the open and we can finally say our truths.

But at what cost?

"Rin," I sit down looking him straight in the eyes. "I don't see you that way. I love you as my best friend. I care about you as my childhood friend. Nothing more."

He smiles bitterly, nodding. "I know, but I had to say it out loud so that I won't die without ever saying it. I know you will only ever see me as your friend."

He is trying to show me he is strong, that he isn't breaking apart, and I feel so horrible. I feel like a scum of a person.

"I am sorry," is all I can say again because I am. I wish I could be more for him, but I can't. I never thought I could be more for anyone, ever.

But Jude has changed that, too.

"You don't have to be, at least I feel freer now," he chuckles but it's weak. "I am sorry, I didn't mean to be such a meanie to Jude or the rest of the guys. I guess my jealousy really overtook this time."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not, I wasn't cool, and Jude and I need to talk. I might have told him that you saw him as a charity case and stuff. I am sorry for that, he didn't deserve all of that. I won't let my differences with him come in the way of the group.

"I won't let my private life interfere with the work we have here. I promise," he looks up, this time determination showing in his face.

I wish I could hold more space for him, but after what he has just told me, I can't help but feel a little resentful towards him. I want to go to Jude and see how he is.

"Will you be alright?" I ask him as I stand up.

"Yeah," he chuckles again. "But please don't rub your relationship with Jude on my face just yet, I am not strong enough for that."

There is no relationship. I don't think Jude is even straight, but Rin seems to think we have a chance. I won't correct him either way.

"You are still my best friend."

"Thank you," he forces out another smile, but I see that he is trying not to cry.

"Do you want some tea?"

"I think I will just go to my room for now," he says, getting up.

"I am here for you, okay?"

"I know."