AFTER

The death of Chad came as a shock to the rest of the country, no one could believe that he was gone. I wasn't shocked one bit by his death but I was shocked at how he survived for so long. Nine out of ten times Chad was driving he was highly intoxicated so pardon me if I wasn't shocked by his death, I only thought it would have happened sooner.

A week after the funeral, Mr Jacobs, Chad's lawyer came to read us the will. As he knocked at the door I opened the door ushering him in, "Welcome, Mr Jacobs, if you would just follow me to the study" I told him with a smile on my face. He followed me as I walked into the study, "Would you love to take anything? Water, fruit juice, whiskey?" I asked him as we got to the study, "Just water, please," he answered. I called out to Mary and when she answered I asked her to get Mr Jacobs some water which she did.

As soon as Mary dropped the water and left Mr Jacobs cleared his throat and brought out some documents, by this time Drew was sitting next to me his head on my lap. "Shall we begin?" Jacobs asked, I answered "Yes, of course" trying my best to remain calm not knowing what to expect.

"Mr Green had a lot of properties which includes lands, apartment houses, vacation houses, hotels, etc," he paused and looked at me to ensure I was following him, I gave him a weak smile, and he continued. "So for the distribution of his property, Mr Green left you thirty percent of his properties, 50 percent for his son, and the remaining 20 percent will be used to open a foundation in his name." I nodded trying to hide my surprise at his generosity toward Drew, I wasn't surprised at my share since that was what we agreed on, he was free to add to the percentage but never to reduce it. Jacobs spoke and I was jolted out of trans, "For the cash in his safe and bank deposits, he left it to the upkeep of the family till Drew becomes of age. Drew will have to go to business school and master the trade before he is allowed to claim his inheritance," I nodded with a smile.

He reached out to the side of his briefcase and brought out a key he handed it to me and said, "This is the key to the safe, the documents of the properties he gave you on your wedding day are there," he paused, he had a serious face on like he was trying so hard to remember something. After a minute or so he said, "I guess that is it. I will be taking my leave now," I walked him to the door and thanked him for stopping by, "Drive safely," I said to him as he opened his car door, he smiled at me entered his navy blue Mercedes, and drove off.

* * *

The death of Chad changed me not in a good way, and this is not because I missed him. I liked that he was gone but still, I don't feel at peace. I have a lot of anger bottled inside and I do not know how to navigate it. At first, I thought it was something that was going to last for a short period but it has been two years and I am still very angry everything irritates me, and the only time I feel like I could live with myself was when I get drunk.

After spending hours in my room, I came downstairs to have lunch still in my leopard robe, my hair looked messy, and I had eye bags underneath my eyes. "Mary, can you please fix lunch for me?" I asked Mary as I sat in the dining area, she looked at me her expression held many thoughts but she said nothing she just nodded and headed into the kitchen. I sat at the dining table playing with my hair as I scrolled through my phone.

Mary came out a few minutes later with a heated jollof rice and chicken. I ate hungrily, my last lunch was yesterday and I was so hungry. In between bites of food, I asked her, "Where is Drew?" "He is in his room with a friend," Mary answered me. I didn't say anything else, once I was done eating I gulped the glass of water in front of me, thanked Mary for the food, and turned to go back to my room. Mary called out to me, "Please ma'am, can I talk to you for a moment?" "Sure," I answered her and sat back down.

"I know the death of your husband affected you but the way you act these days hurt your son. Sometimes he doesn't see you for days and on days he sees you, you are always too drunk to acknowledge him," she stopped speaking looking at me to know if I was listening at all, "Are you done?" I asked her and she said "Yes." "Well thank you for your concern, I will do better," I said and went up to my room.

I thought about what Mary said, and I knew that the way I was handling it all was wrong, and I needed to right my wrong but I was finding it difficult. I don't know why I feel the way I feel, and I really don't know how to navigate all these emotions. I have been enduring for so long, from my family to Chad's home, and it just seemed like the death of Chad erupted the volcano inside of me. I was still thinking about how to be better even if it was not for me but for Drew when I slept off.

The next morning, I came downstairs to have breakfast, and I saw Drew already at the table. He greeted me and took his meal upstairs. I stared at him a little hurt as he went upstairs, "You know he is just angry that you ignored him all these years, he will come around eventually," Mary told me with a smile as she fixed me my breakfast, "I totally deserve that, I don't know how I turned to something I despised," I said with a sigh. "It happens sometimes," she told me with a warm smile. "Do you want syrup on your pancake or not?" she asked me, "I will have it with syrup," I answered "But first I need to go talk to Drew, be right back," with that being said I left the dining table and went up to Drew's room.

* * *

I rapped gently on his door and his voice echoed, " Who is there?" "Hey, it is Mummy. Can I come in?" I said gently, "No, I don't want to see or talk to you right now," his reply broke my heart but I knew I deserved that. I wasn't going to give up easily, I sat on the floor leaning on his door, "Look Drew I know you probably don't want to talk to me and I know I deserve that. I shouldn't have ignored you the way I did." I told him, anxiously waiting for an answer, "You shouldn't have but you did, now leave me alone!" he said, his voice cracking.

Mary came to meet me by his door, "You should give him a little bit of time, he will come around. I will try and talk to him," she told me as she bent to rub me by my shoulders. I wiped the tears in my eyes.

* * *

I waited for days for Drew to warm up to me but it didn't happen. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years.

Two years later Drew still acted cold towards me, our relationship was miles apart. We spoke but there was still tension hanging in the air. He had a better relationship with Mary, they joked, they laughed together and whenever I walked into the room it seemed I took the last of his joy and smothered it.

I got home from the salon and I could hear his voice from but immediately I came inside he fell silent. As I was about to go upstairs, he said, "Hey Mum, I want to discuss something with you, can you spare a minute?" I noticed Mary gave him a weird look and he tried to avoid her eyes, "Sure, just give me a moment. I need to freshen up." I told him and went up to my room.

I wondered what he could want to tell me but nothing came to my mind and as I finished bathing, I wore a comfortable gown and went downstairs to meet him.

"Let's go to the patio," I said as I moved past him, he stood up and followed me. When we got seated I asked him, "So what do you want to talk to me about?" He cleared his throat and started talking, "Well, I want to go to boarding school." He paused waiting for me to say something, and when I didn't he continued, "I don't want to stay at home anymore and there is a good boarding school Frank told me about and I would love to go there," "What is the name?" I asked him, "Primark High School" he replied to me. "Will going to a boarding school make you happy?" I asked him and he nodded avoiding eye contact. "Okay, I will look into the school, if it is up to standard you are free to go, and if it is not you can pick another option," I told him and I could see how his face lit up. "Is that all?" I asked him, and he replied "Yes." "Okay then, I will be in my room," I said and left for my room.

I got to my room, bolted the door, and cried. "Am I such a terrible mother that my 12-year-old Son wants to get away from me?" I asked myself mid-tear.