Chapter Thirteen: All Falls Down

Aight, so boom.

Josie really wasn't lettin' that guitar thing go.

I shoulda known she was gon' be on my ass about it the second we stepped into her room. She got that determined look in her eye, the same one she get when she tryna prove a point.

"Play somethin'," she said, sittin' on her bed, legs crossed like she was waitin' for a show.

I leaned against her desk, arms crossed. "Nah."

She raised a brow. "Why not?"

"Cuz I said so."

Josie scoffed. "Nigga, you dramatic as hell." She reached over, grabbed her guitar, and held it out. "Here."

I ain't take it. Just stared at her like she was crazy.

"Josie, for real—"

"Jordan, for real." She mocked my tone, pushin' the guitar closer. "What you scared of?"

That made my jaw clench. "Ain't nobody scared."

"So prove it."

I sucked my teeth. "You mad annoying."

"And you mad stubborn."

We stared at each other.

Then I snatched the guitar out her hand. "One song. Then shut the fuck up."

Josie grinned. "Bet."

I sighed, rollin' my shoulders, tryna shake off the nerves I ain't even wanna admit was there.

Then my fingers found the strings.

And just like that, it was like I never stopped.

The first chord hummed through the air, low and warm. My body moved on instinct, fingers pickin' up a rhythm I thought I forgot. Then my voice slipped out, soft at first, but steady.

Josie ain't say nothin'. Ain't move.

Just listened.

By the time I hit the chorus, my eyes was closed. I ain't mean to get lost in it, but shit, I did. The music wrapped around me, pullin' me under, takin' me back to a time before I was this. Before I was angry. Before I was numb.

Then the song ended.

And I opened my eyes.

Josie was just starin' at me.

I swallowed. "What?"

She shook her head. "You ever hear yourself sing?"

I shrugged. "I guess."

Josie exhaled, like she ain't have the words. "You really somethin' else, Jordan."

I ain't know how to respond to that.

So I ain't.

I just set the guitar down and stretched. "Aight, that's enough of that."

Josie studied me, brows furrowed. "You love it, don't you?"

I froze. "What?"

"Singin'. Playin'. You love it."

I looked away. "I did."

She caught that. "So why you stop?"

I shrugged, pretendin' it ain't matter. "Shit happens."

Josie's voice got softer. "Like what?"

I forced a smirk. "Damn, why you so pressed?"

"Cuz I like knowin' shit about you."

Something about the way she said that made my chest feel tight. I glanced at her, tryna gauge if she was playin', but her face was open, expectant.

And before I knew it—

Words just started fallin' out.

"My pops taught me," I heard myself say.

Josie straightened.

"He was the first one to put a guitar in my hands," I went on, my voice low. "Taught me how to play, how to feel the music. Said it was somethin' we'd always have."

A dry laugh left my throat. "Then he left."

Josie blinked. "Damn."

"Yeah."

Silence settled between us.

Then she asked, real careful, "That why you stopped?"

I exhaled. "Part of it."

Her eyes flickered. "And the other part?"

My stomach twisted. I ain't mean to go this far. Ain't mean to open the door this wide.

But I couldn't stop.

I rubbed my palms together, my voice barely above a whisper. "It was my birthday."

Josie watched me, not sayin' a word.

I swallowed. "I was five."

Her breath hitched.

Then, just like that, I was there again.

The dark room. The heavy air. The weight of his hands—

I squeezed my eyes shut. "Unc' Oscar."

Josie inhaled sharply.

I forced myself to keep talkin'. "I told my moms. Told her what he did." My throat tightened. "She ain't believe me."

Josie's jaw clenched.

I let out a hollow laugh. "Matter fact, she hates when I even bring it up. So I don't."

Josie didn't speak.

Didn't move.

Just looked at me like she ain't never seen me before.

And I hated it.

I stood up fast, heart poundin'. "Forget it."

"Jordan—"

"Nah, forreal." I shoved my hands in my pockets, tryna act like my whole body ain't feel like it was on fire. "It ain't even that deep."

Josie stood up too, her face unreadable. "It is that deep."

I shook my head. "Nah."

She took a step closer. "Yes."

Another step.

"Jordan, I—"

I backed up. "Josie, drop it."

She stopped.

Silence stretched between us.

Then she whispered, "That's why you hate your birthday."

My throat felt tight.

"Why you act like you don't give a fuck about nothin'."

I looked away.

"Why you won't let me in."

Somethin' inside me snapped.

"You don't wanna be in, Josie." My voice was sharp, raw. "You don't wanna know what's in here." I tapped my temple. "You don't wanna see what's in my head."

She held my gaze. "Try me."

I let out a bitter laugh. "Nah. You too good for that."

Josie frowned. "The fuck that mean?"

I smirked, but it ain't reach my eyes. "You the kinda girl that believe in happy endings. I ain't."

Her face hardened. "You the kinda girl that run from shit."

My smirk dropped. "The fuck you just say?"

She stepped closer, right up in my face. "You heard me."

My heart was poundin'.

Josie's voice softened. "You don't gotta run from me, Jordan."

I stared at her.

And for the first time ever—

I ain't know what to say.

Chapter Thirteen: All Falls Down (Part 2)

I ain't say nothin' for a long minute. Just stood there, starin' at Josie like she just said some shit she wasn't supposed to.

Cuz she wasn't.

She wasn't supposed to see through me like that. Wasn't supposed to look at me like she knew me—like she understood me.

Cuz she didn't.

Nobody did.

I licked my lips, takin' a step back. "Man, you don't know me, Josie."

She crossed her arms, her stare steady. "I think I do."

I let out a sharp laugh. "Nah, you think you do. But you don't."

Josie tilted her head. "Then tell me."

I shook my head. "You don't wanna know me. Not really." I scoffed, rubbin' the back of my neck. "You see what you wanna see—this tough ass girl who don't give a fuck. But you don't see what's under that."

Josie stepped closer. "Then show me."

My stomach twisted.

"Nah," I muttered, turnin' away.

But Josie wasn't lettin' it go. "Why?"

Cuz if I did… if I let her in…

She'd see the parts of me that ain't even I wanna see.

I felt her behind me, close enough that I could feel the heat comin' off her skin.

Her voice was soft. "Jordan."

I shut my eyes. "Drop it, Jo."

She ain't listen. "What you so scared of?"

My fists clenched. "I said drop it!"

Silence.

Thick. Heavy.

Then—

"You love me."

My whole body stiffened.

Josie's voice was quiet. Sure. "You love me, Jordan."

I forced out a laugh, but it came out shaky. "You sound dumb."

She stepped in front of me. Looked me dead in my face. "Say it."

I shook my head. "Josie—"

"Say it."

I felt my whole chest tighten. "I—"

Her eyes locked on mine.

And I cracked.

I exhaled, my voice barely a whisper. "I love you."

Josie inhaled sharp, like she ain't expect me to actually say it.

I ain't even expect it.

The words just fell out, slippin' past all my walls like they ain't even there.

I backed up fast, runnin' a hand down my face. "Shit."

Josie stepped forward, like she thought I was gon' run. "Say it again."

I laughed, bitter. "You got what you wanted. Let it go."

She shook her head. "Nah. Say it again."

I swallowed, my throat tight.

Josie's voice dropped. "Please."

My heart was poundin'.

I opened my mouth—

And dipped.

Turned right around and walked the fuck out.

Cuz I couldn't do it.

I couldn't stand there and let her look at me like that—like I was somethin' soft. Somethin' breakable.

Cuz that's what love do.

It break you.

And I was already shattered.

Chapter Thirteen: All Falls Down (Part 3)

I left Josie's house so damn fast I ain't even know how I got outside. Just that I needed air.

My chest was tight, my hands shakin'. My whole body felt like it was about to explode.

I love you.

I said that shit.

Out loud.

And Josie heard me.

I stumbled down the block, breathin' heavy, my head buzzin' like I was high—but I wasn't. Not yet.

Cuz that was the problem, wasn't it?

I was sober.

Too sober.

I needed to get out my head.

So I hit up the only place I knew would get me right.

—

Matthew's spot wasn't far, and by the time I got there, he already knew somethin' was up.

"Damn, what happened?" he asked the second he saw me.

I brushed past him into his room, grabbin' the blunt off his desk like it was mine.

"Got any liquor?" I mumbled, flickin' his lighter.

Matthew closed the door behind me, sighin'. "Jordan."

I took a deep pull, lettin' the smoke fill my lungs. "What?"

He sat on his bed, watchin' me. "You gon' tell me what's wrong or just get high and ignore it?"

I let out the smoke slow, shakin' my head. "Man, drop it."

Matthew exhaled, leanin' back. "Josie?"

I shot him a glare.

He smirked. "Knew it."

I ain't say nothin'. Just took another pull.

Matthew crossed his arms. "You told her, didn't you?"

I blew out the smoke, laughin' bitter. "Told her what?"

His stare was deadpan. "That you love her."

My whole body tensed.

Matthew grinned. "You did, huh?"

I flicked ashes onto the tray. "Man, whatever."

Matthew shook his head. "Damn, Jordan."

I scoffed. "What?"

He studied me, his expression serious now. "You really gon' keep runnin' from this?"

I took another hit. "Ain't runnin'."

"You walked out on her, Jordan."

I clenched my jaw.

Cuz yeah. I did.

Matthew sighed, sittin' forward. "Look, I get it. Love's some scary shit. But you can't keep actin' like you don't care when you do."

I let out a slow breath, starin' at the floor. "It don't matter, Matt."

"It does."

I shook my head. "Nah. Cuz at the end of the day, everybody leave."

Matthew's face softened.

I swallowed hard, my throat tight. "They always leave."

And I wasn't gon' sit around and wait for Josie to do the same.

Chapter Thirteen: All Falls Down ( Part 4)

I stayed at Matthew's for a while, smokin' and drinkin' just to numb the mess in my head. But even with my high creepin' in, I couldn't shake the weight in my chest.

I told Josie I loved her.

And I ran.

Just like I always do.

It was damn near midnight when I finally decided to go home. I ain't feel like hearin' my mom's mouth, so I climbed through my window instead. My room was dark, quiet—just how I liked it. But as soon as I dropped onto my bed, my phone lit up.

Josie: You okay?

I stared at the screen, my heart thumpin'.

I could ignore it. Act like I never saw it. That's what I should do.

But my fingers had a mind of their own.

Me: Yeah

The dots popped up fast.

Josie: You left so fast. I just… I wanna make sure you're good

I swallowed hard.

Why she gotta be like this? Why she gotta care so much?

Me: I'm fine, Jo. Go to sleep

I tossed my phone facedown, layin' back. My head was spinnin' from the weed and liquor, but my chest? That shit felt raw.

Josie ain't even know what she was signin' up for.

She ain't know how fucked up I really was.

She ain't know about the rage that sat in my bones, the nights I stayed up tryna fight the screams in my head.

She ain't know about him.

She ain't know that every time somebody touched me, I had to swallow the bile that rose up, had to remind myself I wasn't five years old again.

She ain't know that the only way I could feel anything was by makin' myself bleed.

I sat up, my breath shaky.

My eyes drifted to my desk drawer.

Nah.

Not tonight.

I shook my head, squeezin' my fists.

I wasn't gon' go there.

Not again.

But the pain inside me was screamin'.

My hands trembled as I opened the drawer, my fingers findin' the sharp edge of the blade.

Just a little. Just enough to take the edge off.

The first cut burned, but the release was instant.

My chest loosened. My mind went quiet.

I let out a slow breath, pressin' my forehead against my knee.

Ain't nothin' wrong with me.

Ain't nothin' wrong.

—

I woke up late the next mornin', my head poundin', my stomach twistin' from the shit I drank last night. The cuts on my thigh stung when I moved, a reminder of the only thing that made sense.

I barely had time to get dressed before my mom started bangin' on my door.

"Jordan! You're gonna be late for school!"

I groaned, draggin' myself up. "I'm comin'!"

When I finally got downstairs, she was sittin' at the kitchen island, sippin' her coffee with a tight look on her face.

"You reek of smoke," she muttered.

I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. "So?"

She exhaled sharply, settin' her mug down. "You can't keep doin' this."

I took a sip, my face blank. "Doin' what?"

She narrowed her eyes. "You know exactly what I mean."

I tilted my head. "You tryna be a mom today?"

Her jaw clenched. "Jordan—"

"Nah, cuz most days you don't care," I cut in, my voice sharp. "Most days you don't even see me."

Her eyes flickered, but she stayed quiet.

I scoffed, grabbin' my backpack. "That's what I thought."

She sighed as I walked past her. "Jordan, wait—"

I slammed the door behind me.

I wasn't tryna hear that shit.