The Galactic Plumber

There's a certain level of absurdity that comes with being in the middle of a full-blown crisis while also chasing down a sentient space turd. Add to that the knowledge that your ship might get blasted to pieces at any second, and you've got yourself a real pickle.

Benny and I scrambled through the maintenance halls, dodging stray cables and bits of debris as the ship rocked under the stress of dodging enemy fire. The ship's alarms blared in our ears, but we couldn't afford to care about those right now. We had a poop monster to track down.

"Any idea where it went?" I asked, ducking under a busted ventilation panel.

Benny was scanning his wristpad, eyes wide. "Uh… the vents. It's heading towards the engine room."

"Great," I muttered. "Just what we need. A biohazard contaminating our propulsion system. We can't have that kind of thing near our reactor—it's the only thing keeping us from becoming cosmic debris."

"We might want to hurry, though," Benny added, his voice a little too calm. "The unidentified ship is getting closer. Captain says they'll be in firing range in ten minutes."

"Awesome," I said, not sounding at all awesome. "Let's go chase a rapidly evolving sentient poop while a mystery ship tries to kill us."

We rounded a corner, and there it was: the vent grating. It was partially open, and I could see the faintest glimmer of… something wet wriggling through the hole.

"Hold it!" I shouted, but the thing was already gone, leaving a trail of slime in its wake.

Benny took a step back. "How the hell do we catch that?"

I squinted at the vent. "You have any traps? Something that could, I don't know, contain a rapidly growing sentient waste monster?"

Benny scratched his head. "Well, I have a spare containment unit for, like, plant-based lifeforms, but I don't think that'll work."

"Well, it's a start," I said, pulling it from his hands. "We'll improvise."

We rushed to the engine room, trying to anticipate where Specimen 37 was headed. The deeper we went into the ship, the hotter and more claustrophobic it got. The engines were humming loudly, and the scent of burning ozone mixed with the lingering smell of… well, everything else. It wasn't exactly the ideal setting for a rescue mission. Especially when the target was a rapidly evolving, sentient blob of waste.

Just as we reached the heavy bulkhead doors leading into the engine room, the alarms went off again.

"Warning: Critical temperature rise in engine core. Reactor overheating in five minutes," the voice of the ship's AI echoed through the hall.

"Well, that's just fantastic," I muttered, slamming my hand against the control panel to override the lock. The doors slid open, revealing the dimly lit core. And there it was.

The turd-thing, or whatever it was becoming, had managed to make it to the engine room. It had grown even larger, now taking on a vaguely humanoid shape, its gelatinous form shifting with purpose. It was trying to crawl up the reactor's central venting shaft.

I cursed under my breath. "It's going to sabotage the reactor!"

Benny fumbled with his tools, trying to set up his containment unit. "I—uh—I don't know if this will work!"

"You don't get to not know right now, Benny!" I snapped, grabbing the nearest fire extinguisher and spraying it directly at the creature.

It made an eerie gurgling sound as the foam hit it, but it didn't seem to slow down. If anything, it seemed angrier.

"Okay, Plan C: We make it really uncomfortable," I said, scanning the room.

Benny's face lit up. "Wait, the cooling vents!"

"The cooling vents?" I asked, confused.

"The—uh—yeah! If we activate the cold air vents, we can freeze it in place long enough for the containment unit to kick in!" Benny said, holding up a remote.

I grabbed the remote and hit the button, sending a blast of freezing air into the engine room. The temperature dropped instantly, and the slime monster froze, its motions slowed to a sluggish crawl.

"It's working!" Benny shouted.

We rushed forward, but just as we got close, the overhead comms crackled. Captain Ryker's voice was tight with urgency.

"Logan! The unidentified vessel is hailing us again. They're not asking for the specimen anymore—they're demanding access to the entire ship!"

I stopped dead in my tracks, staring at Benny. "They're taking the ship?"

Before Benny could respond, we heard it—a loud, distinct pop as the cooling system overloaded. The freezing cold burst of air had triggered a cascade failure.

"Dammit," I muttered. "Now we've got a ship on the line, and the poop monster's about to defrost."

"Just another day in engineering," Benny said with a grin.

"Don't make me regret bringing you along," I warned, preparing to make my next move. "Let's stop this disaster, one turd at a time."

And with that, we both sprinted forward, ready to face whatever chaos was waiting for us next.