Chapter 26 : Chapter 26

What kind of thoughts will mother have as she reads this letter?

What feelings will she experience?

Sadness?

Suffering?

Resentment?

Perhaps she won't feel anything at all.

To be honest, I still don't really know mother.

No, as time goes on, it becomes harder to understand her.

The mother I remember from my childhood and the mother I see now are so different that at one point, I even wondered if I might have had two stepmothers.

Did mother have different thoughts when I was younger?

Was it because during the happy days before father passed away, she had no worries like she does now?

I don't have any memories of my biological mother, but I have many memories of her.

Yes, I remember the mother who called me over while playing in the park to open the lunchbox for me.

I remember the mother who held my hand and walked with me in the amusement park.

I also remember the mother who sat beside me, patting my chest as I couldn't sleep out of excitement on Christmas Eve.

On Children's Day, on my birthday, on the last and first days of the New Year.

On days when my busy father couldn't be with me, mother was always by my side.

Because of that, I wasn't lonely during my childhood.

But when I turned nine, everything changed.

After father passed away and mother inherited the business along with management rights, her attitude towards me changed.

The mother who smiled at me no longer existed.

The mother who held my hand and walked with me was gone.

No, mother disappeared from my life.

Yes, I tried to understand.

Just like father, mother must have been incredibly busy to take over everything.

With one parent gone, there was no choice; she couldn't be in two places at once.

Even when mother moved me from our home to this place, I tried to understand.

There were too many guests at the house we used to live in.

Those guests never left me alone.

They probably coveted the inheritance I was to receive.

There were adults who tried to sweet-talk or at least get close to the young me.

So, I tried to think that mother was protecting me by doing that.

Yes, I tried.

Over and over again… praying that mother would visit this vast, empty space at least once.

At some point, I was forbidden from going outside.

The servants said it was because I was too young to be wandering alone.

The cold servants didn't hold my hand like mother used to, nor did they take me out.

Whenever I asked for something, they just replied, "No, young lady."

Still, I thought it was fine.

Because mother must have had her reasons for loving me, right?

Isn't that true?

Because she loved me so much, she must have strictly ordered the servants to prevent me from being taken advantage of.

Isn't that so?

But, I'm sorry.

I was too young back then to think that deeply.

The unresolved anger inside me inevitably burst out.

I bit the servant who tried to dress me, scratched the maid, and threw things around.

I tore the pillows and blankets, and ripped down the curtains.

I acted the same way at school.

Now, I only feel sorry for the children who were hurt, big or small, because of me.

Of course, even if I say sorry now, I'll never get the chance to apologize.

Even if I genuinely want to apologize, there's no one left around me.

Actually, there was one person who didn't leave me during that time.

He was an older boy, a grade ahead of me.

Despite my violent behavior towards anyone who came near, he kindly spoke to me.

"You must be in pain."

He sat beside me and said something like this:

"But if you keep acting like that, no one will come near you."

He told me that his mother also suffered from a similar mental illness.

That's why he understood.

Thinking about it now, I can't even imagine how much pain that ten-year-old boy must have gone through to say something like that.

But, I think mother misunderstood.

Mother somehow made sure that boy stopped approaching me.

I still don't know what method she used.

But I did overhear other kids whispering about me.

They said that because he was close to me, his father's company went bankrupt.

They said that if they got close to me, something similar might happen to them too.

Maybe it was because we attended a school with such expensive tuition.

The boy who always talked to me kindly stopped coming to school at some point.

Did he transfer?

That's how I became alone again.

And by then, I had no choice but to give up.

No matter how much I screamed during class or ran out into the hallway, the teachers didn't react.

Even if I left halfway through or didn't go to school, they didn't mark me as absent.

When I graduated from elementary school and received a perfect attendance award, it was ridiculous.

Of course, the award was sent to me by mail.

I was just standing there alone at the graduation ceremony.

During that time, I learned what it was like not to want anything.

I learned how to do nothing.

I learned how to not speak, how to give orders in silence.

Don't worry.

I didn't learn this from anyone.

I figured it all out myself as time flowed by.

I just stayed quiet, calm, as if I wasn't even there.

By the time I graduated elementary school, I had already become such a person.

Then, mother visited me.

A new servant I had never seen before entered my room and greeted me.

They introduced themselves and said they would take care of me from now on.

I didn't feel much about it.

After all, they were just another servant.

But when that servant said that mother was downstairs, I was so shocked.

Mother, you will never understand the emotions I felt in that moment.

I was so happy.

So happy that I almost wanted to sing at the thought of finally seeing her again.

But, by then, I had forgotten how to feel happy.

Quietly, I stood up and followed the maid down to the first floor.

Mother was sitting in the guest room.

When she saw me, she extended her hands and said:

"Come here, my daughter."

And I did just that.

I ran into her arms, which hadn't aged at all, and embraced her.

Ah, yes, I can't deny it.

In that moment, I remembered what I had forgotten.

I was so happy.

Mother's embrace was as warm as I remembered from my childhood.

So cozy.

I think mother and I had a conversation.

But I don't remember it well.

I was just staring at her face the whole time, unable to focus.

I was so happy that I even held a foolish hope that maybe mother would live with me from now on.

But that time ended so quickly.

Mother gently pushed me away as I clung to her in tears, then left the mansion as if she had no regrets.

And she didn't return for three months.

…I tried to understand why mother would do such things to me.

Maybe it was because she truly cared about me?

Because she loved me so much, loved me so much that she wanted to make me her own?

What about my sudden engagement?

Did she arrange it to give me the company of the other party as a gift?

Did she want to leave me with more than just the inheritance I was supposed to receive, out of love?

It must all be because she loves me, right?

She loves me so much, she couldn't bear the thought of me being with anyone else, so she wanted to make me hers alone, right?

Is this all just my delusion while I'm alone?

Lately, I've been passing the time by writing down my delusions in a notebook whenever I have free time.

Thankfully, the servants respect my alone time.

Or maybe they just don't care?

Yes, I'll believe that you love me.

Because I believe you love me, I'm leaving you this letter.

Mother, I love you too.

And I hate you so much.

If you love me, why did you have to use such methods?

Why did you drive everything and everyone away from me, making it so no one could approach me, leaving only you as the one who could come close?

Did it really have to be that way?

Did you hate seeing your daughter grow up happy so much?

Did you have to make sure I could only find happiness in you?

Ah, yes, that's right.

The more I think about you, the more two emotions rise within me, and I feel like I'm going crazy.

The image of the mother who loved me since childhood and the image of the monster who made me so miserable mix together, and now I don't know what's what anymore.

If your goal was to break me, you've succeeded perfectly.

The reason I'm leaving this letter is because of that.

Because I hate you.

Because I want to hurt you too.

But how can someone like me, who has nothing, hurt you?

How can I stir your emotions like you've done to me?

I don't know.

No, honestly, I can't think of anything.

So, I'll cling to this hope.

I hope you truly loved me.

I hope you really wanted to make me yours.

At first, I thought about completely breaking down, like I did as a child.

I thought about just letting go of everything, hurting everyone around me like I did back then, getting hurt myself, and then bleeding out until I died.

But, I don't think that's the answer.

I've hurt too many people already in my childhood.

I'm too tired to do that anymore.

So, I decided to find a slightly different method.

Mother, did you know?

Father seemed to have somewhat anticipated that you would behave like this.

Through some legal means, he arranged it so I could access my inheritance early.

Thanks to that, I was able to illegally purchase barbiturate-based sleeping pills, which are no longer prescribed to minors in modern times.

Yes, I won't go into detail about this method.

This is a surprise event for you, mother.

Try to guess it.

By the time you read this, I think you'll have some idea as to why I ended my life.

Of all the things I inherited, it seems the one you cherish most is 'me'.

So, as the owner of that thing, I'm going to take it back from your hands.

By the time you read this letter, I will already be far away.

What emotions will you feel when you read it?

Sadness?

Pain?

No, perhaps you won't feel anything at all.

But, I still have one hope.

Please, mother, love me.

Love me as much as I loved you when I was a child.

And so, mother, please.

Please live a long and healthy life.

And for that long time, never forget me.

Never.

Please, never forget me.

I ask this of you.

P.S.

Still, it's a bit disappointing.

For just one week of this short life, I wanted to live an ordinary life like everyone else.

But it seems I won't be able to do that now.