XXXII. A Love Unwanted

"Aren't you tired of loving me?"

I took a deep breath, lying down on the cool grass, my eyes fixed on the stars twinkling above.

A moment later, I felt Antonio settle beside me.

"Loving you has never been tiresome," he said softly. "I told you, I would wait—even if it takes me a hundred years."

"And you really think you can live that long?" I scoffed, refusing to look at him. Instead, I closed my eyes, searching for calm in the peaceful night.

"Why would I—"

"But I love someone else."

The words slipped out before I could stop them. Maybe I said it because I didn't want to hear whatever Antonio was about to say. Maybe I couldn't bear listening to his confessions anymore. They made me uncomfortable, guilty—because I knew I could never return his feelings.

"And just like me, you're hoping and waiting for him to notice you," he murmured. "We're the same, Kaesu. But I can sacrifice more than you ever would for him."

"I'm sorry, but—"

"Shhh…" He silenced me gently. "I never asked you to love me back. I never forced you to. But I have one favor to ask… Just let me love you, Kaesu. Until my very last breath."

The night swallowed us in silence.

I woke up to a loud banging on my window.

Startled, I sat up and glanced around. But when I peered outside, there was no one there. Annoyed, I ran a hand through my hair and collapsed back onto my bed.

Wait… How did I get home last night?

Panic shot through me. I immediately looked down at myself and exhaled in relief—I was still wearing the clothes from last night.

I dragged myself out of bed, took a quick shower, and had just finished dressing when the door swung open. Antonio walked in, his hand clutching his hip as he winced.

"What happened to you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I tried to save the cat by your window, but apparently, my life was the price," he huffed, looking like a bullied child.

I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. He was cute, but at this moment, he looked like an old man with rheumatism.

He plopped down on the couch as I walked past him—until his voice stopped me.

"By the way, I saw Alex earlier when I was about to come in," Antonio said. "He looked like he was debating whether to knock on your door. Did you two fight?"

I froze.

Alex…

I hadn't seen him last night. Not at the party. Not anywhere.

Where was he?

Did he know everything? Did he know Lara's real identity?

A headache formed as my thoughts spiraled. I closed my eyes, trying to push them away, but then I felt Antonio's hands cup my face.

"Remove those hands," I muttered, "if you don't want me to cut off your fingers one by one."

He chuckled but didn't move.

"Whenever you feel lost, when your mind is too full, when you don't know where to start…" His voice was calm, steady. "Just take a deep breath, take a pause… and then fight again. Not every battle needs to be fought immediately. Even a gun needs to recharge."

Guns.

"Where can I get one?"

Antonio's eyes widened as I abruptly opened mine. He immediately pulled his hands away.

"W-why? What are you planning?" he stammered. "That's not what I meant."

I turned away.

"I know. But you don't need to find out."

He grabbed my arm. "Kaesu, whatever you're thinking—please—"

"You have to trust me, Antonio."

He pulled me back, forcing our eyes to meet.

"If it's about Nadia," he said carefully, "I've already started the investigation. I have the information and evidence that you and Susaine need. All I need from you… is trust."

I narrowed my eyes.

"What do you mean? Wait—how do you know about this?"

"That's not important anymore, Kaesu. What matters is that you don't do anything reckless. Please. Let me handle this."

"Why?"

"I don't want you to get hurt—"

"No." I shook my head. "Why are you doing this?"

A bitter smile crossed his lips. "I told you, I would do anything for you."

"But you don't have to!"

"I know. And I'm aware."

"Exactly! So stop doing things for me!" My voice rose, frustration bubbling over. "You're making me feel like a loser. Like I'm incapable. Like I can't do things on my own—that I always need someone else to help me!"

"That was never my intention," he said, his voice gentle but firm.

"Then prove it."

Silence.

"If that's the case," I continued, my chest tightening, "stay away from me. Leave me alone. Because every time you're there, I shrink. I feel guilty for things I shouldn't. I get angry at myself for things that aren't even my fault.

"I'm not your responsibility, Antonio. So if possible, I don't want to see you doing things for me anymore. Because I will do them myself.

"I don't need you."

Antonio visibly flinched. He looked like he wanted to say something—but the words never came.

Pain filled his eyes.

I knew I had crossed a line.

But I had to.

Because if I didn't, Antonio would only end up hurting more.

I was ready to dig deeper into this dirty game. And I refused to drag him down with me just because of his feelings for me. I wouldn't let him throw away his life for me.

I wouldn't let his love become his downfall.

He took a step back.

"You made it clear yourself," he murmured.

Then, without another word, he turned around and walked away.

Gone.

Just like that.

I stood there, staring at the empty space where he once stood.

I didn't understand what I was feeling, but it hurt.

It felt like I had been beaten over and over again.

And when my knees finally gave out, I collapsed to the floor, gripping my chest—holding back the tears that threatened to fall.

Because if I started crying now…

I might never stop.