Chapter 1: "Slipped, Died, Became a Miner - or How the System Turned Me into a Progress Bar Slave"

Death turned out to be... wet. I was lying in a puddle that had absorbed all the shame of my demise. The last thing I remembered was a yellow spot of peel expanding to the size of the sun, and an old lady in a plaid raincoat poking me with an umbrella:

- Wow... how... stupid.

Her voice stretched out like gum, mixing with the honking of cars and children's laughter. The world fell apart into pixels.

And then - silence. Not the kind that presses, but the kind that rings. Like the sound of a guitar pulled out of the socket. I opened my eyes (if they were eyes) and saw... purple infinity. Space pulsated with facets, as if I were stuck inside a giant amethyst.

"Welcome to Limbo, Loser!"

The voice in my head sounded like a troll streamer munching on chips.

- You're... a god?

"God? No. I am the System-Curator™ version 9.81. And yes, thank you, I am indeed divine."

The text flashed in neon text, decorated with emojis.

The death menu hung in front of me:

[Cause of death: Banana tragedy (shame level: SSS+)]

[Achievement unlocked: "Slippery client" - +5 to charisma when interacting with fruit monsters]

[Rebirth options:

1. Legendary Hero (occupied until 3054)

2. Mighty Archmage (requires IQ 200+)

3. Great Dragon Lord (warning: allergy to scales)

4. Miner (instant access, bonus: free pickaxe!)]

- Are you kidding me? Where's the "return to how it was" button?

**"Oh, sorry, you don't have enough KarmaCoin for the reincarnation DLC. But hey, look!"**

The system flashed pink, displaying the statistics:

[People who died from bananas: 3 (including you)]

[Chance of such an event: 0.00000012%]

[Congratulations! You are a unique loser!]

— Thank you. Now I feel special.

"Then let's begin! Three... two..."

— Wait! I haven't chosen yet...

"Auto-select activated! Determining optimal profession... Your skills: sitting on a chair (master), scrolling memes (legend), whining (divine). Recommended: Miner!"

The space shrank into a purple funnel. I tried to scream, but my mouth filled with the taste of iron and dust. Last thing I heard:

"P.S. Your pick is on its way. Don't lose it!"

*"New World: Terra Infernum. Difficulty Level: Stone Age². Good Luck, Meaty!"

I woke up, spitting out a lump of dirt. The air smelled of sulfur and disappointment. A green sun hung overhead, like a moldy lime. My ears were ringing:

— Hey, recruit! Are you alive in there?

A creature leaned over me, resembling a living sack of potatoes. A beard braided into pigtails with copper rings, eyes like coal mines, and a pickaxe - a monstrous hybrid of an axe and a dragon's tooth.

— I... where is it?

— In hell, to put it briefly. — The bearded man spat, and the spittle burned through the stone. — My name is Grognard. Your mentor. The Stone Strike Guild.

He slapped an object into my hands, making my wrists ache. Pickaxe. My "free pickaxe" turned out to be a rusty beam with a nail. A tooltip popped up:

[Rusty Scraper (common)]

[Stats:

Self-esteem damage +10

Chance to break: 99%

Special ability: "Nostalgia" - reminds you of your career in the office.]

"The task is simple," Grognard pointed his finger at a pile of boulders. "Shots. Sift. Don't die."

First strike. The pickaxe clanged, striking a spark. The stone giggled.

"Hey, Grognard... Should it crack?"

"You're level one. The stones here are "arrogant basalt" level. Strike faster."

I swung again. And again. On the fifth strike, a glitch crackled in the air:

["Dig" skill reached level 2! You now mine 0.5% less lousy.]

[Bonus: "Cloth Hands" - Your palms bleed, adding +1 to Drama.]

"Oh, shit!" I sped up, hitting like a robot lumberjack with a dead battery. Rocks rained down mocking notifications:

[Rock #1: "Missed!"

Rock #2: "Almost!"

Rock #3: "Are you kidding me?"]

But on the 27th hit...

CRACK! The boulder burst, spitting out a glowing crystal. The system screeched:

**[Congratulations! First loot!]

[Received:

- Stone Chip (junk)

- Crystal of Patience (epic) - when used, reduces the desire to kill the system for 5 minutes.]

Grognar laughed, revealing teeth like tombs:

- Well, at least you're not crying. Look what you discovered.

The skill menu popped up on its own:

[Name: Akki ("Banana Man", permanent mark)

Class: Miner (Humiliated)

Level: 1.5 (yes, there are half-levels)

Strange skills:

- "Digging a grave for your dreams" (passive)

- "Geology for Dummies" (0.1% chance to find something valuable)

- "The Art of Complaining" (legendary) - your moans reduce the morale of your enemies]

- Hey, system! — I yelled into the void. — Where's the power upgrade? Earth magic? At least a better shovel?

The answer came in the form of a new quest:

[Main objective: "Break through reality"

Description: Upgrade your pickaxe to the "Mythical Demiurge" level (current progress: 0.000001%)

Reward: Answer to the question "Why?"]

Grognar slapped me on the back, causing me to almost crash into the wall:

— I see the system has fallen in love with you. I warn you — don't trust underground trolls. And blue notifications. And...

He didn't finish. Somewhere in the depths of the mine, the wind howled, bringing the smell of... fried potatoes. My new skills shuddered:

[Detected: Hidden meaning (danger level: ???)

Recommendation: Run. Or dig. The system is not sure.]

I glanced at the pick. It winked at me with its rusty eye.

"Okay," I sighed, swinging at another stone. "Let's get on with your "progress." But if I find a banana mine here, I swear, the system...

[Achievement unlocked: "Threats of the Void" - keep up the good work!]

And the stone walls laughed in response.