Vehicle-Kun

The link led me to something magical. It opened not a portal to another world, but another tab that has a header that says "BEST THERAPY" written in bold Arial font. Below it is a search bar labeled, "Find the best Therapist for you!" and an arrow pointing downward which allows me to pick the location.

I was left staring at the screen of my phone before I let out a series of hysterical laughter. The asshole got me. Thousands of hours reading stupid online novels must've melted down my brain for me to think that something so illogical could happen. God, I wish I was not at the level of those people I just shamed for being stupid. Should I use my weapons against myself?

You know what? I'm not even mad at him. I found his trick so freaking hilarious, I give credit when credit is due. Maybe that guy should stop writing bullshit and start standing in front of fat-asses to spout funny bullshit instead. And I didn't leave that thought in my head, I commented something along the lines of him being a comedian, to which the author replied with a laughing emoji. Some GGPA fuckers from earlier did the same. But, I bet they didn't understand what happened and were just copying the author.

And that my friend, is how you waste a couple of hours of your free time, doing nothing. It was fun though, at least for me. But, since it was already three in the afternoon, I needed to stand up and go out to my beloved Saturday part-time job I couldn't wait to do. Oh, I can't wait to see the customers' boomer glares as they watch me punch their cigarette packs and lighters. The manager and owner telling me to do things that weren't mine to do, and to force a smile on my stupid face as if I was enjoying doing all of it.

On my way to the convenience store, my head was still lost in the clouds of my stool. If you didn't get it, what I meant was that I was thinking about jokes and trying to pull one from my asshole. And yeah, I know, "This guy really likes to say the word, asshole. What an asshole," is what you're thinking, shut up. But, you're right. I do love the word. 

Well, what can I say? At some point in our lives, we were once an asshole. I'm not talking about when you bullied that poor kid who just wanted to be friends, or when you talked shit to your parents, or when you stole something that wasn't yours, or even when you wrote stupid reviews on an online novel just because you can. What I was talking about is when you were inside the womb of your mother. In the early stages of you being formed, the first thing that appeared was the anus. Ergo, like me, and everyone else. You were an asshole. If you remained the same asshole decades after being ejected from your mother, just crawl back inside. If you don't believe me, search for it. If I was wrong, shut up, no one likes a know-it-all, asshole.

My mind was still lost in the clouds (of stools) as I traveled the busy streets of the city I call home. People walk with different kinds of expressions on their faces. Some were happy, some sad, and some looked like they'd just committed a murder, or planned to. 

And I admit, it was my fault to cross the road without looking. My vision glanced a green color so I proceeded to walk. I didn't realize that only a few seconds were left on the timer. 

When I looked to my left, a flash of bright light approached at great speed. It was truck-kun giving me a warm welcome with his bumpy hug. I closed my eyes and accepted my fate. But, before I opened them, I could already hear the barking of someone yelling profanities and whatnot at me.

I sighed. The voice was coming from the truck. When I opened my eyes, I saw this boomer gentleman peeking at the window, shouting at me. Calling me names I wouldn't even want to say to my nemesis. And as a decent human being, I apologized and scurried off the road. 

The middle-aged man was still looking at me as I stood on the other side of the road. He was still whispering crap about me, and I'm not good at reading lips but I know that he was calling me a motherfucker. The asshole, how dare he call me that when I didn't even know who my mother was? She must've abandoned me once she saw what an abomination she shot out of her womb.

He was about to go on his way. And most of the time, I would just go on my day and accept the embarrassment. But, something took over me this time. Maybe being outplayed by that author made me want to cop a feel of victory, or maybe him calling me a motherfucker opened some of my deep wounds regarding the fact that I am motherless. Still, as I said, I am a decent human being. So, what I gave the mad guy was something to bring along the road with him. A warm and blissful farewell of showing him how beautiful both of my middle fingers were. Accompanied with a crispy shout of, "Fuck off, boomer!" Ah, another meaningful human interaction. Of course, the man enjoyed it so much his face was blushing. It was red like a tomato. He even got out of his truck to give me a warm hug. How thoughtful of him to leave his truck in the middle of the road to reward me for my good gesture.

And in case it wasn't apparent that what I said was sarcasm (may God bless your soul), he was batshit angry and wanted to kill me. Well, it was funny seeing the guy try to catch up to me when he appeared to be having a hard time catching his breath.

One thing I am good at is running. You know, away from bullies, from angry guys like the one chasing me, from women, and from many other things one might find scary.

As I was laughing and glancing back at the tired boomer chasing me, I didn't notice that I was about to cross another road. A flash of bright light greeted me again as I turned my head to the left. It was bus-kun. Truck-kun's more talented older brother. I closed my eyes and accepted my fate the second time. And again, with a sigh, I could hear a similar voice coming from the front of the bus.

Another boomer gentleman shouting profanities and names I wouldn't want to say to anyone, even to the most hated person in the world. Again, I know it was my fault, so as a decent human being, I apologized. When I was standing on the other side of the road, I gave him the same gift to bring along his journey.

And surprise, the man went out of his passenger-filled bus to confront me. But, like the other one, he was more tired of catching his breath than me. It was like having a middle-aged, semi-fat, boomer harem chasing me. God, the mere thought of that made me want to vomit as I ran. I would volunteer for a seat on the bus to hell if I had something like that.

My ego was at its peak. Not just because I managed to piss off two boomers in a day and didn't get any repercussions, or at least not yet, but because in my head, I had this stupid thought that I won against fate.

The same fate that sent his two thugs, truck-kun and his older brother bus-kun, to send me to the underworld. Yet they both failed miserably. In my head, I was thinking that fate should send the father, train-kun, or even the veteran grandfather who doesn't age, airplane-kun, to try and take my meaningless and sad life.

Still grinning while thinking of other vehicles to add kun as its suffix (cringe, I know), I crossed many roads. This time I viewed the timer with care since the two that were chasing me seemed to have given up as I couldn't see them any longer. They must've gone to the coffee shop I passed and talked with each other about how similar they were.

I was filled with confidence as I crossed the road as soon as the light for pedestrians turned green. But, all of a sudden, I felt something bump me from my left. When I looked at it, I saw a shocked expression of a man riding his bike. The road was slanted, and based on his expression, the brake must've malfunctioned. I flew away, and my head hit a rock as I fell. It all happened in mere seconds.

As my consciousness slowly withered, I started smiling, then laughing. Well, I wasn't sure if I was, but, I did try. 

"To be slain by the baby brother, bike-kun, what a fucking disgrace," is what I thought.

All the while, only the rider of the bike rushed to me with a frantic expression. I guess most people just didn't care. Well, can't blame them. If it was someone else, I would've ignored the commotion and go to the part-time job I was about to be late.

They say your entire life flashes the moment you are about to die. But, no such thing happened to me. I wish a hot girl at least flashed her panties for a virgin like me to see one last time. A shame indeed.

Well, here I go, nothingness. It took twenty-four years, but I'm back.

As I floated in the vast nothingness, a muffled voice I couldn't recognize spoke to me. I couldn't even distinguish whether it was from a man or a woman. It sounded like it passed through those voice changers people without self-esteem love using.

"M-aster?" it says.

Is it one of my kinky dreams of being called a master? Maybe Death enjoys calling his victims master.