Stupid System

I once thought it illogical, but now, I'm leaning on my theory that I might've transmigrated in another body and another world just like those stupid main characters in many online novels. And since I've decided to treat it as such, I know the most important thing I should do first. 

And that is to fucking change my underwear. I didn't even realized how drench it was till I looked at it. It was weird how it looks similar to the boxers I used to wear. Aren't I in a cultivation world where people's attire appears quite ancient? Maybe people always wore these things.

A huge delightful surprise greeted me once I removed my underwear. The two and a half inch pet I used to play with once a day has grown. It looks more than twice longer, and bigger. In other words, this body is hung as hell.

Oh, I could already imagine using this guy. Watch out sect leaders, go hide your otherworldly beauty of a daughter cause this guy's going to collect them like that kid that never grows up who catches unhinged monsters and stores it in a ball and his pockets. Thinking about this and remembering what just happened made my thing stiff again, it even increased more in size. Probably a couple inches more. I could now understand the reaction of the beauty from earlier. Maybe I'd call her to continue where we left off.

My grin and chuckling halted once I thought about my appearance. And would you look at that, I think I turned into that 'pink flower fcker' I last commented on that online novel. My long hair was black, muscles well defined, a spotless face, and I was a giant compared to the real me. In my clothes was the symbol of a pink flower. Which meant I was someone from the overused mount Hua sect.

This appearance when compared to my real one is like comparing a horse to a handsome man. And the best part? This body's schlong isn't like a handsome man's, but was straight out of a horse. How sick is that? I got the two-best things in the two that I was comparing. 

Then, as I was admiring my new self, a screen appeared in front me.

'Things just keep on getting better! What kind of overpowered crap of a system would I have,' I thought as the grin in my face grew wider.

On the screen was just a greeting that goes,

"Congratulations! Since greatness has eluded you till your untimely death, you've been chosen as the beneficiary of this trial system made by the Gods."

The grin on my face slowly withered after reading the message. I turned my head up. Although the ceiling blocked my gaze, I imagined the boundless sky. Then, the next thing that I imagined was me shoving my middle finger towards the assholes of those shitty Gods. To think that there was more than one of those assholes yet my previous life was a pointless tragedy.

"You think I wanted that shitty life? Fucking assholes!" I shouted

"W—what's going on young master?" said the brown-haired beauty from before. She rushed towards my room, and opened the sliding door. I saw her face turn much redder than the previous time when she witnessed me showing my middle finger to the ceiling without wearing anything on the lower half of my body, and my thing was still rock hard.

She gulped, then slowly tilted her head away as she also closed the sliding door without making a sound. As if our eyes didn't just met.

I've never been more embarrassed in my entire life, well, that is if I don't include my previous one. God, that life is the definition of embarrassment.

The girl also tip-toed to get away from my room.

Then, the holographic screen popped up again. The system was asking me what to call it. 

"Fucking stupid-ass system!" I shouted in anger.

Maybe it was one of the most advanced systems, but the asshole responded with a period, a slash symbol, and another period.

"Then call yourself whatever you want, stupid shit!"

It took a while before the screen appeared again, written on it was,

"Since your intelligence is that of an insect, just call me System."

I could feel my body temperature rise up. In my head, I thought of slapping the shit out of this system if it had a physical form.

"Just give me the overpowered skill and shut up, freaking piece of shit."

Again, it became quiet. Then, I waited for what felt like years before the screen appeared again. The only thing written on it was a symbol.

"?"

With all my strength, I punched through the screen while shouting all the profanities I know. Even those from different languages I learned while thinking that I might turn it into a joke. Of course, it didn't do shit. But, I was losing my marbles with this stupid system.

Chasing my breath after my shadowboxing, I leaned forward, my hands resting on my knees, and when I saw the size of my thing again, I decided to let bygones be bygones with the Gods.

"I'm calm now. You said you're a system made by the Gods, how many are we talking here?" I asked. It was a question that always lingered in my head when I was the dork I used to be. I would say that I belong to those that weren't sure if they should believe in an almighty being or not. But, I guess I do now.

"You're not allowed to know such information."

"I see…" I replied, then I whispered, "Fucking useless shit."

As I get dressed, I started to ask important questions to the system. I have come to understand that it has resemblance to ones in the many system online novels that I have come upon. First, it has a mind of its own, capable of addressing all that I asked. Second, it has rules, missions, and all that bullshit. And lastly, it was here to help me survive this world that was new to me.

"What can you do for me exactly?"

When I asked that question, two rectangles with labels appeared in the holographic screen. The labels were: Martial Arts, and Magic. Below was a bar, that appears like an HP bar from games. Only half of it was filled with green, and beside it, "Plot Armor," was written.

I was left confused. Since accepting the reality of being transmigrated, I thought this world was one with only martial arts, or a world of Murim, if you will. But, I thought that having magic was one of my perks for having this stupid system. And so, I asked.

But I was wrong. I was transmigrated in a world of both martial arts and magic. When I asked the system to further explain the setting of the world, an info dump of lore flashed before my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love great worldbuilding, but fuck, I wouldn't have read all of this crap if it weren't vital for my survival and triumph in this life.

To save you the bore, let me summarize. Basically, there's this primal energy later named by creatures of intellect as 'En.' The energy of life. Then, there's these two assholes deemed by their people as their Gods. One of them managed to create a way of converting En into something that would enhance his body into heights no normal human could reach. He called it Qi, and the man became the progenitor of martial arts. On the other hand, the second asshole studied En and created a way to enhance his mind, turning the energy into something that could bend nature. And so humans acquired the ability to wield magic. The man named the converted En as Mana.

It is also written that the greatest martial artists could bend nature like a mage, and the best of mages could engage in physical combat with their strengthened body through magic like a martial artist.

Oh, the two despises each other. Over time, their influence grew, and the continent became divided into two. The murim and magica. Two forces that are eager to cut each other's throats, even today. Though, it is also stated that they were in a stalemate where the two forces just ignored each other's existence as much as possible. You know, like when you have someone you hate to the bone but they also hated your guts so much so the both of you act as if the other was invisible, kinda like that.

After skimming through every detail, I began investigating the two rectangles with the labels. I started with the Martial Arts one. When I clicked it, my current skills and cultivation popped up. It was nothing interesting, just some punches, kicks, and sword slashes that were given a cringey name. Fucking, 'Plum Blossom Petal Slash,' just call it downward diagonal slash for God's sake.

On the cultivation side, I was at the Qi-refining fourth step level. Like the common cultivation online novels, there were four stages of cultivation in this world. Qi-refining, foundation building, golden core, and nascent soul. Each stage having ten levels known in this world as steps. To those unaccustomed to these cultivation bullshits, Qi-refining just means to allow Qi to flow in your entire body unblocking every nook and cranny, even in your asshole. Foundation building means to develop your body so that it would be able to handle the formation of a core – which is the golden core stage. And the nascent soul was the stage where you can bend nature to your will. Like mages.

Meanwhile, inside the Magic section, there was nothing. It was disappointing as I was sure there would be something like magic circles or ranks as equivalent to the cultivation ones. I was about to ask the system how I could learn magic and other martial arts when someone barged inside my room like he owned the fucking place.