to love someone.

I do wonder sometimes what it means to love someone. Having someone who you love cares about you, nags about you or to you, hugs you in times when you or they need one. What does it mean to love someone? Does loving someone mean that you want that person to be with you forever in your life? Or does it mean that you want that person to be happy even though they don't wind up with you? I'll tell you a little about my past.

It was a wonderful day, the weather was clear— a little cold because it was windy—but there were no signs of any rain. I was sitting with someone very dear to me in the middle of the night, as the lady of the night shone upon us, although we were surrounded by darkness. There were no lights, only the moon and the sands underneath us who were the witness to our actions. We were not doing anything, we just sat, embracing the beauty of the night, where stars flickered, the clouds flew, and the wind breezed. We were sitting below the tree that covered us, the tree that hid us out of sight, as if the place was meant for us both that night.

She was a kind soul, a lady with her hair flowing like a river of dark ink, yet it was soft and wild, looming around her shoulders. Her eyes are as dark as night, yet they shine as bright as the day, as if they could rival the sparkles of the stars that rested above us. Her kindness wasn't grand, yet every action that she took was steadfast and sincere as if she was the sun who shone a way for us to go, even if you didn't ask for it. Her presence was calm and serene, yet her eyes clung deeply to every wave that roared as if counting each of them. My presence was fully ignored as if the universe was only hers and the seas, yet I smiled in her disregard as I was happy to see her as she was.

We were wandering around before, looking for something to eat, but we ended up being here as we pondered where we should go. My bike that I parked by the gates of the beach was also another witness of us being here, steadily waiting for our return back to a journey without any destination.

I looked at her whilst she was still focusing on her own world, her eyes were unyielding, yet I noticed that her lips twitched, and her cheeks started to redden. Her face was close to me, so I easily noticed the change. But then she turned towards me, and she stared at me, leaving behind the beauty of the night breeze and the waves roared, to stare at me who had been staring at her.

Her face was right in front of me, her eyes searching mine as if she were trying to read the deepest thoughts that I had hidden within. Our surroundings went quiet, the winds held back their breaths, and the waves stopped howling as her gaze grew closer to mine. I could only be still, frozen, as if her gaze had drowned me to the depths of the sea, unable to escape.

"You've been staring at me for a while," she said softly, her voice carried by the roars of the waves as if it was only meant to be heard by me.

I smiled, sheepishly averting my eyes below to avoid her gaze but to only be met by her gaze as she followed my movement.

"I couldn't help it, you know," I admitted bashfully, my voice barely can be heard. "You looked so… lost in your own world. I didn't want to interrupt you."

She tilted her head slightly, her silky hair falling to one side like a curtain of shadows, and a faint smile played on her lips.

"Lost? Heh, maybe… maybe I was," she murmured softly, she glanced back at the waves for a moment, "But it's easy to feel lost when everything around feels so… extravagant,"

Her words lingered, sounded soft yet cold, like breezes in the air, and heavier than I could fully grasp. I wanted to say something to fill the void of this silence that we had, but before I could utter something, she leaned closer to me, her face was close to mine again.

"The sky today is clear; the stars are visible with the moon to accompany them. It's as if we're meant to be here to witness the beauty of today, isn't it?" she said softly with a smile whilst pointing at the sky that surrounded us, "The clouds are with us too tonight, as they don't cover the beautiful flickering stars above us, it's only these cold breezes that give me hope that I'm at my room now, hiding underneath the warmth of my sheets. Don't you think so?"

I hesitated, unsure of how to respond. "Maybe," I said, trying to choose my words carefully, "It is a beautiful night, we wind up not getting what we looked for, but I'll take this moment of a serene, peaceful night, especially having you around with me. Maybe… it has been fun." I smiled at her, her face reddened at my response, as did I when I realized what I had said.

I was in a state of ecstasy about what I just said to her as if I had confessed my feelings that I had towards her, yet my mind wondered if she heard what I said.

"It has always been fun hanging out with you too… I couldn't ever imagine not having these night dates that we do quite often, it's really fun." She said bashfully with her faint smile.

I could only smile at the reply, not knowing what to answer or how to respond. As I'm abashed, fleeting between the flow of the wind that breezed.

A sudden gust of wind that broke the silence swept through the trees; it sent shivers down her spine. She hugged herself tightly, her shoulders and legs were trembling. I looked at her, worried.

"You should've worn your jacket," I said, "Here." I shrugged off my jacket and draped it over her shoulders.

She looked up at me, her eyes wide with surprise, "You don't have to…"

"Please. I want to," I said firmly, cutting her off.

She hesitated, but then she wore the jacket tighter around herself, a soft smile spreading across her lips, she grew closer to me and whispered, "Thank you," right beside my ears. I couldn't help but be flustered as she did it, as her soft voice trembled around my ears.

We went back to our deep silence again. She gazed at the sky as if counting every star that shone above us, and I did the same thing that I had done before, gazing deeply at her as if she were trapped within her world. Her curious, intriguing, yet mysterious world that I couldn't help but want to linger on.

I did hope at that time that the universe would allow us for the time to be still, to let us be together. As the tree that covered us, the stars that shone brightly at us, the winds that breezed over us, the sands that kept our feet warm in their cover, and the night sky that accompanied us, to be the witness of this day, of where we had time for ourselves. The moment of clarity and peace that we enjoyed, out of all the necessities that we will have to solve during the day.

I was worried about what would happen tomorrow, worried about what would happen during the day, where I would have to wait for her until midnight, the only time we could meet. But she was never worried, as she knew that even if work separated us, we would still have time for ourselves. Where we could enjoy both of our company as if the world was ours, where everyone's presence didn't matter, only both of us. Even when surrounded by a sea of people, our gaze would only meet each other's.

We were never a couple, yet we knew that we loved each other. We never confessed our feelings to each other, but we understood it even without words. We never confessed to each other because we were worried about where the future would lead us, as we never knew when we would be separated. So, we just enjoyed each other's company, not as a couple but more than friends.

"Hey…" she said softly, breaking the silence. I was so focused on pondering that I didn't realize she shifted her face toward me.

"Do you think you would take that offer?" she asked curiously, she gazed at me intensely with her brows frowned a little.

I was offered work in Australia, where I will have the opportunity to gain more experience there. I worked as a restaurant manager in the hotel where she was my senior before. She moved to another hotel to find more experience there, but we kept in contact even though we worked in different places, as we had already been close before she left. We never had much of these night dates before, since we usually conversed within our chats. Though all our conversations ever since have accumulated and now it sank as deep as the seas.

I did take the initiative of inviting her to these night dates, as I missed her presence which used to linger with me around the day. Although she worked at a different place to mine, at the very least I got to meet her during the night. She didn't feel weird when I invited her at first, instead, she was excited about it. I felt relieved, as I was worried that she might be weirded out. But it was only a worry that almost held me back.

"I'm still thinking about it," I said solemnly, "Being there would be nice… but I don't know if I should."

I was hesitant to answer her question, but I couldn't stand the thought of not answering that question. She definitely deserved my answer.

"But what about me?" she asked, her question thundered my mind, her hands fidgeted, and her tears started to flow in both of her eyes, as her cheeks and her eyes reddened.

It was also the question that I often asked myself. What about her? Will she be okay if you leave her behind? Do you even dare leave her? Relinquishing the relationship that you've built with her. She, a presence of love that has lingered with you, day or night.

She meant the whole world to me, as she has often been with me ever since she worked at the same hotel as I did. She has been helping me around, helping me solve troubles that I had with seniors or customers as I had trouble speaking my mind. I was never much of a talker; I often have trouble expressing myself verbally, but I can do it well in writing. She had always been my anchor, as work often overwhelmed me, her strength was quiet, her voice was firm, and her calmness always steadied my chaotic mind.

I steadied myself as her question clung to me unanswered, the pressure felt heavier than the night air, suffocating. I braved myself, answering her question.

"I will always be with you… if you would consider coming with me, please?" I asked gently, filled with hope, "It would be nice if you could come along with me."

I was hoping that she would agree to my invitation, as her presence if she had followed would've brought me joy and smiles, yet her reason for declining it was reasonable.

She swept her tears from her eyes, her eyes were bright and red as rose, yet her expressions were as glum as a withering lily, gentle but filled with sorrow. She gave me a faint, bittersweet smile that I couldn't understand. She took a deep breath and replied with her soft voice which was trembling, following the rhythm of the wind that had been caressing us all night.

"I really wish that I could," she said, as her voice wailed carrying the weight of a thousand unspoken thoughts, "I just can't leave everything behind here. How about my family? My responsibilities? This is my home. I can't leave them."

Her gaze drifted back to the seas; her eyes wandered as if she were searching for answers within the endless horizon that lies beyond us. The world around us seemed to fade into the background, as this was a moment shared between us alone, locked upon her words, forming a barrier that neither of us could cross.

"But you," she continued as she turned herself back to me and gripped my hands, her voice firmer despite her fidgeting hands, "You have the chance to grow, to live the life you deserve. You have always been meant for something greater than in this small world that we currently live in."

Her words cut through me, sharp yet she piled it well and with care. She was letting me go, even though it hurt her to do so. I wanted to argue, to tell her that my world would be empty without her being there. But I knew deep down, she was right.

The wind grew colder as if the universe itself was mourning this moment with us.

"I don't want to leave you," I cried, my voice cracked, bellowing over the sound of the gentle waves that were howling, "I don't know if I could do this without you."

Her grip on my hands tightened, she carried all the pain that she had to suffer without me, yet still she could smile at me as her reply, "You can," she said simply, "And you have to. For yourself." Her smile brightened, reassuring me that she would be okay.

Only silence followed, as I only nodded at her in response. The stars above continued to flicker, as bright as day that filled with hope, yet it was oblivious to the heartache that was unfolding underneath them. My impulse was to hold her, to pull her close and tell her that we could make it work, but I didn't do it. I felt that if I forced her out of her will, she wouldn't be happy.

We sat there for what it felt like an eternity, our hands still clasped together, neither of us willing to let go. The night that had felt serene and peaceful had turned into an unbearably heavy somberness.

Eventually, she pulled away, her hand slipping from mine like sand sifting through my fingers. She stood up and looked at me, her silhouette framed by the glow of the moonlight.

"Promise me," she said firmly, "That you'll go. That you'll take this chance and make the most of it."

I hesitated, my mind was telling me to refuse, to stay here on the island with her forever. But the look in her eyes was strong, resolute, and full of love and hope. Making it difficult for me to betray her wish.

"I promise, I will go…" I said, my voice cracking under the weight of those words.

She nodded, her expression softening as she leaned down to kiss me on my lips. Her lips were soft and tasted sweet, yet the feeling of sadness lingered between that kiss. A tender gesture of hers that nearly broke me.

"Thank you," she whispered, "For everything that you've done to me."

"Shall we go back then?" she continued, as if meaning to end the torment that has been torturing us that night, "Let's go."

"Let's go," I replied softly.

And with that, we rode my bike but with a destination, I took her back to her home and I went back to mine. I did stay a little longer in front of her house the moment I dropped her off, for me to etch the house deep in my heart where she had stayed before. But the moment I was told by my friend that she had moved away from there, it only left me with a feeling of sorrow, as I had no more chance of getting back to her again.

On that day, I understood what it meant to love someone. It wasn't about holding on or making them stay. It was about letting them go, about wanting the best for them even if it meant breaking your own heart.

Because sometimes, love isn't about being together. Sometimes, it's about setting someone free.

I can only hope that she will forever be happy.