Too Late, Too Often

Jack lay on the couch in the living room, staring at the ceiling. He was tired after driving all day, but he still couldn't close his eyes.

After the argument, Susan had asked him to sleep downstairs. Just one night. He hadn't resisted. What was the point? His marriage was falling apart before his eyes and fighting back would only shatter it faster. And Lord knew, he didn't want this family to break apart.

Sixteen years. That's how long they'd been together. Which, if he was honest with himself, was surprising, given that the first hints of trouble had been there from the very beginning.

He was twenty-six, fresh out of a postgraduate program at Berkeley, and just starting at Atlas—a part of the United Nations Environmental Protection organization—which was actively recruiting young talent from top universities. It was his first actual mission: six weeks in the Amazon rainforest to monitor and document illegal deforestation. He was excited. Naïve, but excited. It all sounded too good to be true, too much like something straight out of a movie: traveling the world, saving the planet, fighting bad guys. Maybe even meeting the girl.

Susan was a last-minute addition to the team, substituting for the Atlas photographer who had fallen ill.

"I don't do expeditions," she said, dragging a massive camera bag behind her as they boarded the plane to Manaus.

"Then why did you sign up?" he asked, helping her fit the bag into the overhead bin.

"Because I need money."

Although she hated almost everything about that trip, she never shied away from the work. Her photos captured the consequences of deforestation better than all of his data.

"You should join our team on a permanent basis," he told her one evening in his tent as they were looking through the pictures she'd taken during the day.

"Not going to happen," she replied. "I told you, I'm a city girl."

"Don't you love nature?"

She shrugged. "If it's in my backyard, then sure."

They laughed. Three weeks in the jungle could either bring people closer or push them further apart. In their case, the three weeks had erased any barriers. He leaned over and kissed her.

"Careful," she murmured against his lips. "I'm not signing up for more mosquito bites."

"Of course not," he said and pulled her closer.

One year later, they got married.

Despite their differences, they got along well. Surprisingly well. No arguments, no jealousy, no tears. They were just a young couple with big dreams. She wanted to become a famous journalistic photographer, doing gigs for major news agencies. He was obsessed with the idea of saving the world, signing up for more remote and dangerous missions. Even his week-long absences couldn't drive a wedge between them—especially since Susan herself frequently traveled between states for commissions with local newspapers and websites. When they were both home, they simply enjoyed each other's company.

The first crack in their marriage appeared three years later. Susan was in her last trimester of an (unplanned) pregnancy when Jack was assigned a short mission to the Maya Forest between Guatemala and Belize. His job was to help locals fight poachers targeting the jaguar population. Looking back, he knew he could have said no to Aria—his supervisor—and asked for a job closer to home, maybe even in a neighboring state like Wisconsin or Indiana. But he was too young and ambitious. Besides, he knew that saying no would mean burying his career. So he said yes.

"How long will you be gone?" Susan asked as Jack stuffed clothes into his bag. Her hand rested on her belly, gently caressing it, as if silently reassuring the baby that everything would be okay. She was due in six weeks.

"Two weeks, tops," he said, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead. "Set up the camera traps, pack up, and we're out."

Two weeks turned into three. When Jack returned to the camp after spending nearly forty-eight hours deep in the jungle without mobile connection, he found hundreds of text messages from Susan, her mom, his mom, and even his neighbor. They all said the same thing—Susan had gone into labor. It had happened the night he was out of network reach, three weeks early. The most recent messages were congratulations on becoming a father. He had a girl.

It took him almost twelve hours to reach the international airport in Belize City and another twelve to get to Chicago. There were no direct flights to O'Hare that day, so he had to fly with a layover in Houston. By the time he arrived at the hospital, Susan and their baby were already preparing for discharge.

"I want to call her Lisa," Susan said, showing him the newborn.

He kissed his wife, fighting back tears. He wasn't sure if they were tears of happiness or shame for having missed the birth of his baby girl. Susan said nothing, but he could feel something had shifted between them.

The next crack appeared almost ten years later. Lisa was already in middle school, and Susan was trying to get her career back on track—a career that had effectively ended when Lisa was born. Jack had been away so often that Susan had to assume the role of Lisa's primary caretaker, which meant she couldn't accept jobs that required travel or significant time commitments. Most good gigs did. So she was stuck photographing local festivals and taking the occasional portrait commissions—far from what she'd dreamed of.

He got an emergency assignment in Far East Russia to help contain a massive methane leak near Klyuchevskaya Sopka, the tallest active volcano in Eurasia. The assignment was a joint effort between the UN and Russian geologists, requiring a monumental operation to install a containment system and divert the leak back into the permafrost to prevent a major climate disaster. It would take weeks, possibly months.

"I'll have to decline the gig in Wisconsin, then," Susan said, watching Jack pack his bags again. "If I don't accept it, they won't offer me anything again. Can't Aria send someone else?"

"No, honey," Jack said, kissing her. "Can you ask your sister to babysit Lisa while you're on the gig?"

Susan shook her head. "Jack, it's a three-day event! I can't ask her that. She already watched Lisa last month. Please, if you can, stay home. Just this one time."

But he still went. He wasn't as young anymore, but he was still ambitious. He never forgave himself for leaving.

While he was gone, Lisa got into a bike accident on her way home from school. She was rushed to emergency care with a broken leg and a concussion. Susan tried to reach him, but he was out of coverage all day. When Jack finally got the message, he took the first flight home.

"Did you save the planet, Jack?" Susan asked when he finally walked through the door.

He didn't reply. What could he say? That he'd spent weeks treading dirt, fighting mosquitoes, and learning Russian curses to save the planet—but failed to protect the most precious thing in his life? He just hugged Susan and didn't let go.

One week later, he submitted his resignation to Aria.

After leaving Atlas, he became a private contractor doing environmental audits for construction companies. Most jobs were in state, but occasionally he accepted out-of-state assignments, like the last one in Wyoming. In such cases, he'd be gone for days, sometimes weeks. He knew it wasn't good for his family, but he also knew that without those jobs, they couldn't pay the bills, afford Lisa's private school, or save for her college.

Susan knew that too. But somehow, this knowledge only pushed them further apart. So far apart that tonight he'd found another man in their house. On the night Jack was supposed to be gone.

He didn't think they had anything going on, but he couldn't shake the feeling that this might be the beginning of the catastrophe that had been brewing ever since he kissed Susan in that tent sixteen years ago.