Chapter 66

"Miss Noceda, you may come in now."

After introductions, they'd been told that the counseling room was soundproof and had been shielded against magcal divination, telepathy, x-ray vision, and external electronic monitoring. These sessions were confidential and the Institute took that very seriously. It was stressed to them that the only way anything they said or did in the session would be told to others is if they did it themselves, or if they said or did something that made the Professor believe that they or someone else was in some kind of danger and even then it would be handled discretely.

Luz had volunteered to go last. She... Had some stuff she still needed to sort through before she talked to anyone.

Amity went first. She was in there for a while and when she came back she was holding Ghost. Willow was next. Then Gus. Neither had been as long as Amity, but both had also come out holding their respective palismen. Hunter had gone next, after giving Luz a look. He was there longer than Amity was and he came out with Flapjack. Even Vee went, though she was reluctant until it was pointed out that even if she only came in at the end, facing her fears to help was a big deal.

When Vee came out, she looked around for a moment and then reverted to her true form.

Then it was Luz's turn. She stood and walked into the room and took a seat across from the professor. Stringbean floated down from her perch on Luz''s head and hissed, "Baldy's here to help, right?"

"Yeah, he's here to help," Luz replied as she reached out to take her talisman and started gently stroking her head. "That's how this works, we talk about feelings and he helps me deal with them."

"Good," came the rattled reply. "I don't like it when my witch feels bad."

Luz felt another twinge of guilt. Another one of her loved ones that she was hurting by letting herself feel this way.

"So um," she started. "This is Stringbean, she's my palisman. Basically, my witch's familiar."

"Yes, your friends have introduced me to the concept," the Professor said. "And I'll tell you what I told them: The therapy process can be draining, maybe even painful. There is no shame whatsoever if you need a trusted companion to support you at any point in this session."

Stringbean took this as permission to assume teddy-mode and park herself on Luz's lap.

"Okay, so... How do we start?" Luz asked.

"First, do you have any pre-existing psychiatric or neurological conditions that you believe I should know about?" The professor began.

"Um... I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and a 'mild' case of 'high functioning' Autism Spectrum Disorder towards the end of middle school," Luz answered. "I don't know if that's relevant."

"Are you taking any medication to help manage that?" he asked.

"No," Luz said. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-medication, I know that getting the right dose of the right pill would probably help me a lot but, it's just... I'm a little paranoid about side effects," she confessed. "I mean, that stuff's basically coke or speed... In fact, I think there's one that's just literally straight-up meth? I know that there's a universe of difference between taking a pill as prescribed by a doctor versus smoking or snorting something you got in a back alley but... I also know that if the dose is too high you can get manic. I've had manic episodes on my own, it's not nice!" Luz exclaimed. "Not to mention that they can sometimes cause insomnia, or nausea, or stomach pain, make you not hungry when you should be, um... headaches other stuff I don't remember off the top of my head. And I know that if I'm on the right dose the chances of any of that are rare," she continued, "but... I'm kind of used to adults looking at me like a problem that needs to be fixed. Like, like I have to change myself and... I can't help but feel like if I did get those side effects that... That people would care more about me sitting still and staying quiet than about my health or comfort. I'm sorry, that's probably just..."

"No," Xavier said. "Your concerns are perfectly valid. As much as it pains me to admit, psychiatry has been used as a weapon against the vulnerable as much, if not more so, than it's been used to help them. Are you doing anything to manage your symptoms, though?"

"Yeah. I'm trying to find outlets for my energy and... A nice big cup of strong coffee, black as night with lots of sugar, really helps when I need to focus on something big," she confirmed. "I had mixed results at Gravesfield High but at Hexside it worked pretty well for me... Although that might just be becuase magic school is more understanding and willing to accommodate me... Or you know, it's just that it's all work that I want to do. Of course, Hexside might not even be there when we get back to the Demon Realm, which... I guess that brings us back to... Why we're here."

"Yes, the attempted genocide," the Professor noted. "But before we dive into that would you mind clarifying what you meant when you said you'd had manic episodes?"

"Sometimes, when I'm... Really upset about something, well, I can go a little crazy," Luz explained. "Um... The worst that's ever happened was... August twenty-second. The anniversary of my Dad... Passing away. Every year my Mom and I spend the day together picking flowers and then we visit his grave... Except this year, because I was stuck in the demon realm behind a portal that wouldn't open."

"That must have been hard," Xavier sympathized.

"Yeah... I was able to call Mami though, but even after she reassured me um... I felt awful," Luz continued. "And I didn't want to bother anyone with an unsolvable problem so I just... Bottled it up instead of telling anyone... Nothing bad came out of it but... I could have really messed things up for someone important to me if things had gone a little differently. Luckily I have an awesome girlfriend who was able to get me back on track."

"And how did she do that?" Xavier asked.

"She just, you know... By then it was super obvious that I wasn't okay and she's an empath so she could literally feel how upset I was, so... Yeah. She confronted me about it and told me she wanted to help, and that I could talk to her. It made me feel like it was safe to open up to her and let out my feelings. She's... Perfect, whatever I did to deserve her it couldn't possibly be enough." The professor smiled at that and gave what could have been a short chuckle. "What?"

"I'm afraid that that's confidential," he replied, "Now then, let's get into the meat of things: Can you tell me how this incident, the 'Day of Unity,' occurred?"

"You must have heard about how it went down from the others," Luz observed.

"Yes, but I want to hear your perspective on it," Xavier said. "No two people will experience something quite the same way, nor will it affect them the same. I need the context of your experience if I am to counsel you properly."

"...Context, huh?" Luz asked. "...This is completely confidential, right? You can't tell anyone anything I tell you without my permission?"

"Not unless you give me a reason to believe that you, or someone else, is in imminent danger," he confirmed.

"...Would you be willing to sign a magically binding oath to those terms?" Luz asked. The Everlasting Oath was... disturbingly easy a spell to cast, all things considered. One spell circle and a handshake and you physically couldn't go against the terms you agreed to. Sometimes you could pull an 'exact words,' but...

"If it is necessary to gain the trust required for you to open up to me, I will swear that I will not divulge any information here without your permission unless and until you give me a reason to believe that someone may be hurt if I do not."

Luz stooped up and drew the spell circle. "Reach through it and then we shake on it." The professor did so and Luz relaxed, and returned to her see. "Okay, so... this all actually starts well before the Day of Unity. This gonna be a long one."

"We have as much time as you need," the professor reassured.

"So... After the portal key broke and I got stranded in the demon realm," Luz began, "I found out that another human lived on the Boiling Isles a few centuries ago, and that he donated his diary to the local library becuase my awesome girlfriend worked there and her boss was a really chill dude, I was able to get my hands on it an... Turns out he's the one who made the portal in th first place. So I studied his diary, trying to figure out how to make a replacement key and... I can't do it," she finished. "Even if I could get the ingredients for it which... My only lead was a bust, I was clearly missing something... Also, I found out later that he was also from Gravesfield. Part of a local legend, two brothers who were witch hunters who went missing centuries ago."

"A witch hunter in a world of witches?" The professor asked. "I can't imagine that going well."

"At first, with his diary talking about the friends he'd made in on the Isles," Luz continued, "I thought that maybe he'd seen the place and changed for the better but... No, that's not what happened. But... You see, in the demon realm, there's this substance called Titan Blood. It's... The Isles are formed around the bones of a dead titan, and Titan's blood is his literal blood. It's the most powerful source of energy on the Isles, so powerful it can warp time and space. Stuff from other dimensions ends up there because of Titan Blood making temporary portals, it's how the portal door worked, and if it mixes with algae from the boiling sea you get time pools. Me and Aunt Lilith... Actually, she wasn't officiallymy aunt yet, but... No, bad Luz, no tangents. We attacked some time pools down and went back to Philip's time and... You know that phrase never meet your heroes?"

"I take it he did not change for the better?"

"He did not," he said. "He was like, one of those manipulative sociopaths you see on TV, very charismatic, knows exactly what to say, and... He got us to help him get an artifact called the Coelctor's Mirror, which was... A way of talking to an imprisoned cosmic energy in the form of a child. The Collector wasn't supposedto be a threat," Luz continued. "I've... I've talked to The Titan's spirit in my dreams a couple of times. The Collector is like, a poor sad, and lost child that the Titan imprisoned becuase he thought that they were in on the rest of their family's plans. He regrets doing it and even asked me to let the Collector out if I could... And I'm getting ahead of myself again. So about a week before the Day of Unity, I... Hunter and I ended up, in an accident, physically inside Emperor Belos's mindscape."

"Oh dear lord," Xavier said while going a few shades paler. "That's... Not supposed to happen."

"Yeah, the spells for it are dangerous and partially illegal," Luz noted. "...You seem surprised, I figured Hunter would have talked about this, too."

"I am not at liberty to discuss the details of what we spoke on," Xavier replied, "but I will note that he was not quite detail-focused as you are."

"Okay, I gotcha," Luz replied. "And he um... Found us in there. And while running away from him in the mindscape, I learned that he was... He was Philip. He'd kept himself alive for nearly four hundred years by stealing people's palismen and eating them." It took Luz a second to realize she'd instinctively moved to hold Stringbean protectively. "And... We learned some other stuff, two. The other brother who went missing... He actually did change for the better, he fell in love with the isles and married a witch... Eda, my mentor, my... My second Mom is descended from them and... Oh, Titan, I'm distantly related to Belos." Granted, only by adoption but... Wait, she was also related to Hunter, he was like, her distant adopted cousin. Never mind, it's worth it. "Anyway, when Belos found him he murdered him over it, then started his whole genocide plot... With a draining spell that the Collector taught him... Anyway, we got out of there and... Then I went with my little brother to chase a lead on his birth family, who were supposedly a clan of warriors who might have been able to help us stop Belos... It turned out they were a homicidal cult who decided to sacrifice him when their leader realized they'd misunderstood why he looked the way he did. So that was a whole thing, I... maybe sort of... Ate their leader."

"And how does that make you feel?" The professor asked without a hint of judgment.

"Not good," Luz said. "I lost control and... I feel less bad about killing him than I do about eating him and Spider-Man says I probably shouldn't feel too bad and... I'm taking hormone pills that'll make sure my alien side doesn't get hangry again and honestly, I already feel like... Do you ever have like a real mild ache that you only realize is there becuase it's gone? Imagine that but with hunger instead," Luz finished. "Anyway, then we get back from that, no clan of warriors to help us... Luckily there's a resistance... But apparently, Belos had a spy or something in their midst becuase come the Day of Unity the bad guys know their plan, my friends and I are on a mission to help with the main plan that goes off the rails, and my girlfriend gets kidnapped to be used as bait to take me to Belos because she has some delusion about how he can get me to agree with him if he lets me keep Amity as a... He called my relationship with her a vice, and... I do not like what he was implying about our relationship or why I was with her."

"I imagine that having someone you love offered up to you as property must have been—"

"Disgusting and offensive on every conceivable level," Luz confirmed, "So I'm freaking out at this point, we're on an airship to th head to stop Belos and save everyone and it's so bad that my friends basically forced me to take a nap just to calm down and what do I wake up to but the draining spell going off! So plan B is to release the Collector and hope they can be talked into stopping the spell because otherwise there's no way to stop the spell and everyone dies. We get to the Titan's Skull, Amity's safe but traumatized, and even though I'm in horrible pain from the draining spell I manage to sweet-talk Belos enough to buy some time and get him to open the portal. In come the heroes who answered Mom's call for help... And also Loki was there. And they're helping, and... My little brother finds the Collector's mirror and lets them out. The Collector gibs Belos and stops the draining spell... Then starts tearing the Isles apart himself! So My friends and I are stuck here on the wrong side of a broken portal and... We don't know if anyone survived the draining spell! Or even if th eBoiing Isles are still there, and we don't have a way to get back now and, and... And it's all my fault! I helped Belos find the Collector, letting the collector out was my plan! Everyone would be safe with their families if it wasn't for me and maybe everyone would be better off if I'd never been born!"

Stringbean, still in teddy mode, had floated up and was now hugging Luz around the neck and making a lot of concerned hisses.

"...Except that's not true, is it?" Luz continued. "Everyone who, who knows about... Everyone says it's not my fault that I got tricked, and I know that it's not my fault, it's his and, and... I know that I've done things that have made life better for my friends and lots of other people and that if I just disappeared from their lives it would hurt them... And like, The Titan said the Collector wasn't a threat, and he's... Why shouldn't I have trusted him, and, and... I know that I'm hurting my friends by letting myself feel like this, so... Why can't I stop?" She finished as tears began to form in her eyes.

Professor Xavier looked at Luz with a serious but warm expression. "Luz, you... May I examine your mental world for a brief moment?"

"Huh?"

"I don't wish to intrude on any specific thoughts or memories," he reassured. "I simply wish to briefly examine the internal structures of your inner world. It could be important."

"...Okay, I guess... Just for a moment though. And it's probably a mess in there."

"A moment is all I need, and trust me, no matter how bad you think it is I assure you I've seen worse." Xavier then held his fingers to his temple for a moment, his eyes glowing pinkish and... Then the glow was gone and it was like nothing had ever happened. "Well, everything seems more or less intact and functional," he continued. "But now I need to ask you a few questions. To begin with, Luz, how have you been sleeping in the last few weeks?"

"Not all that good," Luz admitted. "It takes me a bit, sometimes I can't sleep at all for hours so I just lay there thinking."

"Have you found yourself feeling tired or lethargic, even right after having been asleep?"

"A little bit, but like I said I haven't been sleeping well so..."

"Have you noticed any loss of appetite?" Xavier continued.

"Um, yesterday I wasn't all that hungry but I ate breakfast anyway because I didn't want to worry anyone, does that count?" Luz asked.

"Have you found yourself... Unable or unwilling to do things that you once enjoyed?"

"...No, nothing like that," Luz said. "...Well, it's a little hard to read the Azura books when Villanious Lucy plays a role because it makes my brain be mean to me but otherwise no."

"Have you had any difficulties with concentration or motivation?"

"...No more than usual," Luz said. "Except the other day, I just... Didn't feel like getting out of bed... I did get up when Amity reminded me that... We made plans to... We called it a date, but the plans were just to sit around binge-watching anime and eating snacks in pajamas and we ended up doing that and cuddling on the couch all day and... I felt better."

"One last question," Xavier said. "You mentioned that you felt that your friends might be better off if you were never born. Have you considered acting on that thought, in any capacity? Like running away, or attempting—"

"No, never!" Luz insisted. "It's just a stupid, dumb intrusive thought. Jeeze, you're talking like you think I have..."

"Depression. What you have described to me, Luz, matches up with certain forms of depression," Xavier confirmed.

"I can't be depressed," Luz denied. "I've, I've been happy. Like the, what I just described with Amity, or, or... The other day I taught her how to dance merengue. That was fun!"

"Depression is a complicated thing," Xavier explained. "And it varies from person to person. For every person who is literally too sad to keep living, there are plenty of people who are simply predisposed to negative moods and discontentment. In your case, judging from the state of your mental world, I do not believe that your depression is organic in nature. That is to say, as your mind itself is healthy and functional, we can rule out biochemical disruption or neurological damage as the cause of your depression. So nothing is stopping you from being happy, you just aren't happy."

"...So do I still need to take pills for that, or...?"

"No, in your case I don't believe medical intervention would be effective," Xavier continued. "Your problem seems to be a distortion in your cognition. If I am being completely honest, after the series of stressful and traumatic experiences you've described to me all in less than a week I would be concerned if you weren'tat least a little depressed, if anyone has a right to feel bad then you are among that number. What your problem is is that one or more of the traumatic experiences has warped your self-image, making you, on some level, believe that you are worse than you are, more responsible for the suffering of others than you are."

"...And anything that reminds me of what happened brings me back to those thoughts..."

"As is often the case with unresolved trauma. This means there is good news and bad news: The good news is, there's a plan of action for how to overcome your depression. The bad news is, it won't be easy."

"...I need to work through everything that happened, don't I?" Luz asked. "Even though it's gonna hurt."

"Yes," Xavier confirmed. "However, it's important that you remember that confronting a trauma before you're ready will just make it worse. You can't put it off forever, but you need to work through this at a pace that won't cause you to retraumatize yourself. Until then, you'll likely need more counseling, which we can arrange when we're done here."

"With you?" Luz asked. "I, I mean... You're supposed to be retired, right? You've already done so much, I..."

"There will never be a greater use for my time or talents than helping a child in need," Xavier insisted. "In addition to that, there are several small things you can do to help manage your depressive symptoms ifyou can motivate yourself to do them. That's one of the more insidious things about depression, often those suffering from it lack the motivation to properly care for themselves which leads to finding themselves in circumstances that exacerbate the depression in a vicious cycle."

"Yeah, don't want that to happen," Luz said awkwardly.

Xavier retrieved a notepad from a compartment on his hover chair and began writing something. "Now do keep in mind, that none of these are going to cureyour depression, nor are they meant to. Nor are you going to see results right away. The goal here is to help you build good habits and lay the groundwork for when you're ready and able to confront and process what has happened and return to a healthier mindset. Think of this as supplemental to the counseling you're going to receive in the future."

"Okay."

Xvier tore a sheet of paper from the notepad and handed it to Luz. "To start with, this is a list of foodstuffs that have clinical support toward helping manage depressive symptoms. The effect is only minor, of course, but if you can consistently work some of this into your diet it may help a little and..."

"Every bit helps." Luz looked over the list. She'd have to look up if dark chocolate had any dairy in it.

"In general," Xavier continued, "try to mitigate stress. Stress tends to exacerbate all sorts of mental health issues. In particular, regular exercise has been shown to work wonders in this regard. You're going to have good days and bad days, there's no getting around that, but reducing stress can help you have more good days and make the bad days less bad."

"Take up jogging, got it." Or maybe she could work out with Willow? The sporty witch was trying to recreate her training routine as best she could on Earth.

"Next... Do not feel bad if you can't consistently motivate yourself to do either of the above: As I said, depression can make self-care difficult, but blaming yourself for it isn't helpful. Likewise, don't feel bad for feeling bad: You are not choosing to feel this way or letting it happen."

"I'll try."

"Finally, and this is the most important: You need to be open with people. A healthy support network, if only as a reminder that you are loved and deserve to be loved, can be the difference between success and failure when it comes to managing one's mental health," Xavier finished. "You touched on this yourself earlier when you mentioned that your girlfriend helped you through an episode of grief-induced mania."

"...I'm not ready to tell them," Luz said. "I... I love them all, I can't... If I tell my friends and they... I don't think I could..."

"Luz, even if your friends do believe you are at fault for what happened, you would be surprised at what friends can forgive," Xavier replied. He'd know, a treacherous part of her brain reminded Luz that he'd know, since was famously friends with his former arch-nemesis. "But if you aren't able to share the source of your guilt, you don't have to. Not yet. Simply tell them that you're having a hard time and could use the support."

"They're not exactly having the time of their lives right now," Luz.

"Then you can support each other," Xavier replied. "And one last thing... If we are going to schedule more counseling sessions, I'm going to need your permission to inform your mother of why."

Her first instinct was to say no, but... She'd need that counseling to get better, wouldn't she? And, she needed to get better, to stop having the bad thoughts, otherwise... "Just... She already knows about the cult leader, but don't tell her about, you know, the stuff with Belos, just... I need to tell people that on my own terms."

"That is perfectly understandable," Xavier agreed. "I can call her in here discretely, inform her that I believe you are depressed and that you need extra support, maybe give her some advice for how to do so, but... I presume you would want to tell your friends on your own?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I think we've accomplished as much as we can today," Xavier finished. "But do keep in mind, the fact that you know that these thoughts aren't rational is already a good sign."

"Okay, yeah... Thank you."

The session ended after that. As Luz went back out to the waiting room, Stringbean in tow, Xavier called out "Mrs. Noceda, if you could step into the office for a moment? I have a bit of experience when it comes to managing a household full of empowered teenagers, if I may offer a bit of advice."

Her Mom went into the office with the famous mutant. No one said anything, but Luz very quickly found her hand held in Amity's own. After a few minutes, her Mom came back out and they started to leave, heading toward their rooms in the dorms but, on the way Luz's Mom gave her a big hug "for no real reason."