Hero to Baby… to Noodle Brand?!

Oi! Oi! Put me down, old man! I ain't some sack of potatoes!

But of course, all that came out was—

"Waaah! Waaah!"

My dad looked at me with sparkling eyes. "Ohhh! Look at him! He's got such strong lungs! He'll be a warrior just like his old man!"

No, you battle maniac! I was cursing you, not showing off my lungs!

"LOVE! PUT HIM BACK!"

Hehe, Mom looks so scary when she's angry.

Dad laughed nervously and gently put me back in the crib. I sighed in relief. But just as I thought I was safe—

Boop!

Mom poked my cheek.

Boop! Boop!

She looked at me with soft, loving eyes. "He's so cute."

Oi, stop that. I'm a 300-year-old hero, you know? This is humiliating!

But then, Dad joined in.

Boop! Boop! Boop!

I take it back. This isn't just humiliating. This is pure torture.

Can't they decide on my name already?! Oi oi, I'm the legendary hero Ryukard Blackfyre!! You know, the guy who saved the world and fought for 300 years! At least give me a name that commands respect!

Dad scratched the back of his head. "Eh? Honey, shouldn't we decide on his name?"

Huh?! Wait, what?! You guys didn't plan a name while I was still in the womb?? What were you doing for nine months?! Playing rock-paper-scissors?!

"Oh! I have one in mind!" Mom suddenly said with a bright smile.

Ah, I knew it! Love you, Mom! You're my only hope! My savior! My guardian ang—

"Ryumikiyo!"

…..

…..

I take it back.

WHAT. THE. HECK. IS. THIS. NAME???

I could feel my soul leaving my body AGAIN. I fought for 300 years just to be named… Ryumikiyo?! What is this?! Some ancient noodle brand??

Dad's eyes sparkled. "Ahh, Love, what a wonderful name you've chosen!"

"Right? I just thought of it! Isn't it cute?" Mom clapped her hands happily.

Cute?! NO! It's a disaster!

I twitched, struggling in my baby form, but all that came out was—

"Waaahhh!"

"Oh, look at him! He's crying in joy!" Mom said with a proud smile.

Waaahhh! (No, I'm not! I'm crying in despair, you fools!)

Dad nodded, full of conviction. "It shall be Ryumikiyo then!"

NOOOOOOO—!!!

"Oi, Goddess Astraia!! Oi oi oi, I know you can hear me—OI!!!"

Poof!

She appeared, floating in front of my tiny baby face, now shrunken to the size of my eyeball. Of course, only I could see her.

"It's just been two hours since you got reincarnated, and you're already crying for my help?" She smirked, looking down at me like some divine supervisor about to write me up for being incompetent.

"No, please! Stop laughing! I need my name back! Do something! Anything!!"

"Ehh, but that's not my specialization. I'm only the Goddess of Reincarnation~" she said casually, twirling her tiny finger.

"What kind of useless Goddess are you?! Who even hired you?!" I asked, my baby face deadpan.

She gasped, clutching her chest dramatically like I just committed divine blasphemy. "Oi! I worked hard for this title, okay?!"

"Yeah, sure. Real hard work, sending people to random worlds with ridiculous names…"

"You think it's easy?! Hmph! You're lucky I even showed up, you ungrateful brat!"

I lowered my voice and spoke with utmost sincerity, pouring every ounce of desperation into my words.

"Oh merciful, all-loving Goddess! Please, I beg of you—do something! I want my name back! Please!"

Of course, it worked.

A cheeky, arrogant grin spread across her tiny face as she crossed her arms, radiating self-satisfaction.

"Hmph! Finally, you recognize my greatness! Took you long enough! Well, nothing is impossible for me, of course. You want your name back, huh?"

Her smirk widened.

"Well… then rub your nose at my feet! Haha! Maybe then I'll consider it!"

She threw her head back and cackled maniacally.

Oi. Seriously?

I deadpanned, my tiny baby hands twitching in frustration.

"Stop it! You know I can't even move properly in this two-hour-old baby body!"

She smirked, clearly enjoying my misery.

"Haha, I know, I know! Relax. You don't need to worry about a thing." She flicked her wrist dramatically. "Your name wasn't actually decided by your parents. It's chosen by the High Priest of the Holy Worship Temple of the Goddess of Water… on the third day after your birth."

Huh?!

My baby brain short-circuited.

I twitched. "Then WHY didn't you say that earlier, you absolute Goddess of Evil?!"

She gasped, clutching her chest in fake outrage.

"Oi! That's a very rude thing to say to a lady!"

"Well, I'll be going now! Enjoy your new life, Ryumikiyo!"

With a smug grin, the tiny menace vanished straight through my freaking eyeball, scaring the absolute hell out of my tiny baby heart.

"Whaannn! Whaannnn!!"

Mom immediately perked up. "Oh no! My baby must be hungry!"

Wait—NO! That's NOT why I'm crying!

Before I could protest, she gently picked me up and sat down on a chair.

Oh, no. Oh, why?!

I shut my eyes tight. If I can't see it, it's not happening. If I can't see it, it's not happening…

As she started feeding me, I had no choice but to accept my fate.

Sigh… Fine, whatever. It's not like I have another option.

But holy hell—how do babies do this without their jaw hurting?! This is exhausting! I was a legendary hero, a war veteran who fought for centuries, and yet, this—THIS—is my greatest challenge?!

Still… it's so peaceful.

Being held so gently, so warmly, with all the love in the world…

Unlike my 300 years of war… This is the best—

…

Huh?

Something's off.

I cracked an eye open.

And there he was.

My idiot of a father.

SNATCHING MY FOOD.

LIKE SOME NASTY CREEP!!!

I twitched. "Oi, you battle freak! Get away from my mother! Leave your baby's food alone, you PERV!"

Without thinking, I kicked him straight in the face.

BAM!

Dad stumbled back, clutching his nose.

"Wahhh! Look at him! So strong! He's definitely got my warrior genes!"

Mom just sighed. "Love, if you don't sit still, I'll make sure you get reincarnated next."

Hah. Serves you right, you battle-obsessed weirdo.

I smirked and closed my eyes again.

Finally. Peace.