"The Art of Not Being a Hero (And Failing Miserably)"

One week has passed… and I still don't know what the heck I did to get caught in the gods' mess!!!

Like, seriously. I was just a humble hero who sacrificed himself for world peace. Is that a crime now? Do gods have nothing better to do than mess with a guy who already died once?!

Oh, and let's not forget—I've been reborn as a literal baby.

A BABY.

Do you know how frustrating that is?! I'm an all-powerful warrior, but right now, I can't even hold my own head up properly! This is a nightmare.

Even though Astraia and the other gods have dumped the 'hero' title on me, I absolutely refuse to play along! No more world-saving nonsense! No more legendary battles! If I want to live a peaceful, monster-free life, all I need is a foolproof plan…

Alright!

Step one of my master plan to avoid hero duties: act weak, scared, and useless. If I can convince my parents that I'm just an ordinary baby with absolutely zero combat potential, maybe—just maybe—I can avoid being thrown into monster-infested forests by the age of five again.

I lay in my crib, staring at my tiny hands. Weak. Fragile. Human.

Perfect.

Just as I was about to practice my baby cries for added effect, my mom swooped in like a tornado of motherly energy and scooped me up.

"Ohhh, my little Ryuk! I can feel your warrior spirit growing already!" she squealed, hugging me like a plush toy.

Wait, what?

"H-Hero?"

She blinked at me, tilting her head. "Hmm? Well, of course! With Aqua's blessing in you, you're bound to be one!"

Okay, hold up. Who decided this?! When was the voting? Where was my ballot?!

I wiggled in her grip, trying to protest, but she just hugged me tighter like I was some divine treasure.

Plan A: Massive failure.

Alright, no problem. Babies cry, right? Time to weaponize this.

I squeezed my eyes shut, puffed up my cheeks, and let out the most pathetic wail I could manage.

"WAAAAAAAAA—"

Before I could even finish, her eyes sparkled like she had just discovered fire. "Awww! Such a mighty battle cry! You're already summoning your inner hero!"

…

EXCUSE ME?!

NO, WOMAN, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME LOOK WEAK, NOT GIVE YOU MORE REASONS TO TURN ME INTO A WAR MACHINE!!

"Maria, don't smother the boy," came a deep voice from the doorway.

Dad—Aldren Blackfyre, absolute unit of a man, built like he personally arm-wrestles the laws of physics—walked in with his arms crossed.

"He's going to be an adventurer someday," he said, nodding like this was a universal truth. "Better start training him early!"

…

H-Hold up.

"I was thinking," Dad stroked his chin, "since he's got all these divine blessings, we should let him fight his first slime by the time he's two."

…

TWO?!

HELLO?!

"Sir, I am currently the size of a loaf of bread. Let's reconsider."

Mom clapped her hands. "Oh! We can start his sword training as soon as he can walk!"

DAD. MOM. PLEASE STOP.

"Maybe even let him play with a small dagger now?"

HELLO?! CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES?! I'D LIKE TO FILE A REPORT!!

At this point, I was convinced my plan had negative success. Not only had I failed to convince my parents that I was weak, but I somehow made them even more determined to turn me into a hero!

In pure desperation, I turned to my last resort—Astraia.

"OI, ASTRAIA!" I mentally screamed.

Poof!

The little troublemaker appeared mid-air, looking way too pleased with herself. "Oh, Ryuk~! Did you need something from your adorable, responsible goddess?"

"YEAH! AN EXPLANATION! WHY THE HELL ARE MY PARENTS LIKE THIS?!"

Astraia giggled, covering her mouth with her tiny hands. "Oh, that's easy! Your mom is blessed by Aqua, so naturally, she's really, really excited about you! And your dad? Well, he's the strongest warrior in the kingdom! Of course he wants you to follow in his footsteps!"

"WHAT KIND OF LOGIC IS THAT?!"

Astraia tilted her head innocently. "Divine logic?"

…

I hate this. I hate everything.

And just when I thought things couldn't get worse—

"Oh!" Mom gasped suddenly, looking at me with wide, sparkly eyes. "Did you see that, love ? He's glaring at us! He's already developing his warrior's spirit!!"

No, I'm glaring at this little troublemaker floating between us!

Dad smirked proudly. "Just like his old man. Hah! I knew my son would be a natural-born warrior!"

Astraia, meanwhile, was floating in the air, barely holding back her laughter.

…This is fine.

I'll just have to move on to Plan B !

...

But even though Plan A failed miserably, I have Plan B ready to go: Hide. Forever.

The goal is simple—assassinate Zephiroth early and disappear before the world can shove me into another heroic disaster.

Step 1: Grow up. (Simple enough.)

Step 2: Train in secret. (Should be easy. Probably.)

Step 3: By age seven, sneak into the demon realm and assassinate Zephiroth before he regains full power. (Totally doable. I think.)

Step 4: Live a quiet, normal life without getting dragged into hero nonsense again. (Absolutely going to happen. No way this backfires.)

See? Flawless plan. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

And honestly, I've already killed Zephiroth once in my past life.

Sure, it took 300 years of suffering, but the important part is—I know all his weaknesses!

I still can't believe that guy coached me while fighting me to the death.

"Ah, Ryukard, you're attacking with too much brute force! Balance your mana output properly."

"Your footwork is sloppy. Did you trip over your own feet just now?"

"Try a different incantation next time, otherwise I'll just counter it like this—"

HELLO?!?

WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME TIPS?! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE THE EVIL OVERLORD HERE?!

I swear, even my magic academy teacher in my past life wasn't this helpful.

But whatever, thanks to him, I now have a shortcut to victory.

Kill him early. Prevent his return. Live my peaceful, low-key human life.

No more legendary battles.

No more gods interfering.

No more unwanted attention.

Just me, my comfy little house, and—

…Wait.

Sylphiy.

Crap.

If I kill Zephiroth early… I won't meet her, right?!

NONONONONONO—THIS WASN'T PART OF THE PLAN!!!

Okay, okay, think. Backup strategy.

I just need to casually bump into her later… something cool and fate-like. Like, I'll be wandering through the elf kingdom, looking mysterious, and then—

BOOM! Dramatic wind effect.

She'll see me and think:

"Oh my, who is this tall, dark, and ridiculously handsome man with a tragic past?"

And I'll smirk, flip my cloak dramatically, and say:

"Heh… just a traveler."

YES. PERFECT. ABSOLUTELY FLAWLESS.

…Wait, why do I still feel like everything is going to go horribly wrong?