CH5: Weapon Madness

We hadn't opened the door to the catacombs yet because we weren't idiots. Jixara, Lirael, and the other summoners worked on a ritual around the door. Siegfried paced in front of the gate, swapping his war mace from shoulder to shoulder. Brown hair had used up three chalk sticks on formulas that would help ensure we didn't all die when we opened the doors to the catacombs.

The big man glared at the gate and then at me. "This is why we warned against the catacombs," Siegfried said.

"It was our only hope. The jabberwock would have caught us before we ran far." I said.

 "Maybe or you could be on the side of the demons after all and wanted to keep us from killing the beast before it reached its full power."

I tried to be diplomatic. "Why do you think I'm on the side of the demons? Go through the steps with me."

"Boss, he has weapon madness," Jinxara said.

Siegfried slammed his war mace down in Jinxara's direction. "There is nothing wrong with me."

She twirled a dagger swathed in blue soul fire. "It must be my imagination then."

"What are the symptoms? Beautiful Lirael asked.

I watched her work on her knees, showing off her elf booty while she drew ritual lines that matched Jinxara's.

"I'm not an expert. Siegfried, how do you feel buddy?" After fighting the Cerberus and seeing how cool he could be, I felt we were friends. Was that weird?

The tall man grunted and returned to pacing like a caged animal. "The faster we get the gate open, the sooner we can fight those rotten bastards."

I glanced back at the bodies buried under tons of stone. "I would rather not fight if we could help it."

"The weak should fall so the strong can stand taller," Siegfried said.

"Did you end up taking the demon hunter job?" I asked.

Siegfried jabbed his finger my way. "Why should I tell you, my job? It seems all you do is ask questions and poke at us. What are you going to do when I poke back?" He turned a mean glare at the women working. "Can we hurry it up? I have smashing to do?" 

I wasn't an expert, but this seemed to be a sudden change from Siegfried right after a battle. Was there something to this weapon madness or was Jinxara screwing around.

The princess's accented voice joined the conversation. "Siegfried is scared of tight, closed-off places."

"Don't spread nonsense around princess." Siegfried placed his back against a wall and looked up.

"Alright we're done. If Jean does her part, we will open the gate." Lirael said.

My waiting paid off; brown Jean's name was Jean.

"John, can you open the gates for us?" Lirael asked.

I gave her thumbs up and summoned chains from the shadows in the room. They held tight and pulled as the ritual activated. Dust blasted through the door followed by a green cloud of miasma. The toxic gas was sucked into the ritual circle and clean air flowed back into the catacombs.

A skeleton stumbled into the room and sprinted for a tired Lirael.

My chain struck it, shattered its ribcage, and sent its skull bouncing back behind the gate.

A voice resounded out of the gate. "Foolish paladins to enter my domain is to meet your doom."

I looked around at the summoners, Jinxara, and a smiling Siegfried.

"We're not paladins," I said.

"Enter then paladins and know your deaths are by your own heads so says Death's Master."

"Do you think the lich has gone a little crazy over the years," Lirael said.

"Maybe he prerecorded his message," I said.

"You can't save a record of a voice and have it spoken off the page." Princess Charlotte said.

"Who cares? We should get to the highest levels we can and face the strongest monsters the lich can throw at us." Siegfried said.

In my opinion, weapon madness became a little more likely than claustrophobia.

"Lirael, what do you elf eyes see," I asked.

I sent a flash of spirit sense to get the layout of the catacombs. My chains shot through the shadows, destroying as many undead as possible behind my pulse of spirit sense.

"Who told you elves can see through mists and fogs. Elves can't see any better through poison gas than humans."

I nodded, and that was a good tidbit to know. Elves downplayed their abilities in order to gain an advantage over their allies or to excuse their laziness at the party. Well, no one was perfect. I certainly didn't have an elf fetish for their personalities.

"I gained a level," Jinxara said.

I nodded, trying to keep the image of the catacombs fresh in my mind. Spirit sense had to be used sparingly to avoid leaving a trackable footprint.

"Let me borrow some chalk, I need to write something down while we wait for the miasma to clear."

"Here you go." I caught some from Jean and went to work drawing a rough map of the catacombs on the wall.

"My elf eyes see that the exit is far." I glanced up at Lirael staring over my shoulder. She stuck her tongue out. "Did you find the lich?" I placed two dots on the map and labeled them as possibly the lich and its phylactery.

"What is a phylactery," Lirael asked.

"It's the soul jar a lich uses to stuff their soul into to become semi-immortal," I said.

"How do you know such a thing? I doubt the lich is liable to talk about their weaknesses?"

"Don't worry about it, the one on the map is probably fake. If the lich is smart, he would have hidden his only weakness in a dragon's hoard or somewhere equally hard to get to."

"That explains why the unified races at the time could only seal him. We will do what they couldn't and put this evil down for good."

The poison gas was finished collecting during the ritual. I watched the collected gas condense into a dense ball before dropping on the ground with a heavy thud.

"That could be useful if we had to poison a dragon," Lirael said.

"They would smell the poison even if we covered it in meat. Besides most poisons don't affect dragons." Seigfried said.

She still wrapped it in a robe and stored it in her bag. 

…

We spent another hour while I labeled poison traps, pit traps with poison spikes, weighted tiles that spray poison gas, and the monsters that didn't fall to an assassination strike from their own shadow. Lirael took out some paper, copied the map, and made copies for everyone with some magic words.

"Be careful. They are just magic copies, so they only last for 8 hours. Hopefully, we will either make a deal with the lich or be out of here by then."

"Eight hours is impressive, most conjurers can only get 5 with the copy lesser item spell," Jean said.

"One tear and they dissolve into magic particles. I had to make them more fragile to extend their time." Modest Lirael said.

Jinxara glanced at me and stuck her tongue against the side of her cheek making it bulge rhythmically like she was giving a blowjob. She wiggled her eyebrows and smirked when I rolled my eyes. Of course anyone foolish enough to place their dick near an imp's mouth deserved everything they got.

Flesh-eating venom covered her teeth. Imps used it to eat their way out of their non-demon mothers.

I rolled my eyes and followed the fastest route with my finger. More traps were going the direct way, but we had to deal with only two monsters. The other ways had fewer traps, but five monsters that I couldn't take out at a glance.

Our group just lost three people, and morale was low. Even defeating the Cerberus didn't change that we were about to crawl through dangerous territory that a lich had controlled for centuries. Everyone was tired, and they didn't come down here exactly fresh.

"Last chance to have an orgy until we wade through the catacombs." I said.

I picked Jinxara up who only giggled and shook her butt.

"Boss is right, this is the time to get some pleasure by choice. If you die here only hell awaits."

"I have a fiancée and chivalry demands that I remain faithful even on campaign," Siegfried said.

"I'm sure she would understand," I said.

"I wouldn't, so no I'm not going to take the maidenheads of our fine associates because we could all die in a few minutes. We have already escaped the worst; your reconnaissance will see us through the end. I have faith that there will be no more deaths from here on out."

"That's right, we're all going to live to party when we are out," Lirael said. 

She decided to lead the charge and took a single step over the gate's threshold. I yanked her back with a chain when she hit a trip wire and a spring ejected a spear nearly skewered her. Lirael covered her face and screamed into her hands.

Jean walked over to the map and made an addition for a trap at the gate's entrance.

The princess spoke in her thick accent. "Is it too late for the orgy?"

Despite Lirael's near-death, she walked confidently through the dungeon as Siegfried took the lead, stepping on pressure plates, hitting trip wires, and tanking swinging logs. When used properly, the guy was built like a tank, and his armor could block nearly everything the catacombs threw at him.

We were coming upon the first problem we couldn't bypass. A monster stood in our way. In front of us was a red door covered in chains and holy symbols. Golden scripts wound around iron chains to keep the occupant inside from ever getting out.

"I see there are other immortal monsters that exist, and placing them on our path makes getting to the lich that much more difficult," Siegfried said.

The knight waved his war mace and smirked before slamming it on the chains. He bashed through the protections before Lirael could say anything. The door nearly blasted off its hinges to reveal a sphinx.

"Talk about a big pussy." I said.

"Are you proud of that one?" Jinxara said

"Some of my best work."

Large feline eyes on a human face slid open. "It's you, the chain guy, and you brought friends. All the more filling. I see you've taken the short route ending in certain death. Well, you have two options: You can attack me, and we'll fight it out, or you can try and answer three of my riddles, and I'll let you pass and return to my nap. Don't worry; they're easy. I've never had a party fail." The sphinx yawned, revealing massive canines.

"Oh, so other people have made it past the Cerberus."

The sphinx's response was dry. "No, I'm talking nonsense and wasting time with you. I could be using to nap because I love your company so much. It was your pussy joke I'm still laughing on the inside." The sphinx cleared her throat. "First riddle is the easiest one so don't mess it up. You have three guesses. So yes or no, does the lich like being interrupted?"

"Fuck," I said.

"Is that your answer?" The sphinx said.

"No, correct. The lich doesn't like being interrupted." She clapped her hands on her upper body, sending her large olive-skinned breasts jiggling in her cream colored top. You have almost defeated me with your knowledge. I'm so impressed. Who is ready for riddle number two?"

"I believe that these riddles aren't meant to be difficult," Siegfried shook his head. "You seek to demoralize us, but it won't work, there is no other way for us."

"Do stairs no longer go up and down?" The Sphinx said.

"They are collapsed; we can't get out," Lirael said.

"Oh, well that's unfortunate. Riddle number two, did the United Races defeat the master of Death? Yes or no, you still have three tries, so even if you accidentally say the wrong one twice, you have a third chance to make up for it."

"Obviously, why else is the lich trapped here?" Siegfried asked.

"I only accept yes or no and no spoilers for riddle three."

"Fuck," Siegfried said.

"Is that your answer?"

"No," I said.

"Correct, my master wiped the floor with those idiots." She smirked revealing a mouth full of sharp teeth. "Final riddle and then I can get back to my nap. Is the lich trapped here, yes or no?" She yawned before snuggling back into the pillows of her chamber. "You have all the tries you want, I'm not picky."

"There is a horde of demons surrounding the fort so yes he's trapped," I said.

Her eyes snapped open. "Are you saying I won't be able to get back to my nap?" 

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