Her Reality Shattered

I, Natsukawa Aika, have never broken any bones. But when I was younger, like any other kid, I received minor injuries. A scrape to the knee, or elbows. Things of that sort. I experienced anxiety and mental pain too. Back when my family's financial situation was teetering on a precipice.

This pain that I've been feeling since yesterday, however, was new to me.

"It's more than that" he said, as an explanation for why he'd injured himself protecting Shinonome-San.

The moment I heard those words, my chest tightened. It felt like my heart was being squeezed and, before I realized it, tears were pouring down my cheeks.

I've been having doubts about some things. Was I forcing Wataru to be kind to me, after having rejected him? Was it a selfish desire I had?

What's more, I recently realized that this selfish desire was not merely to be friends. I became aware of a ball of tangled emotions in my heart. Whenever I tried reaching within myself to touch it, I would feel confused, flustered and vulnerable. While I am still an inexperienced girl, I know what those emotions meant. It took a while, but over time, I realized how irreplaceable Wataru is to me. And those subtle feelings of mine came together in the festival finale, when Wataru worked extra hard to make sure things went smoothly... for my sake.

Yesterday, my doubts where confirmed. I truly was being selfish and inconsiderate. Why couldn't I see it before? Wataru has many people he spoke to, myself included. After having rejected him, I selfishly clung to him. In a way, it was like forcing him to tend to his then-unrequited love. It must have been painful.

So what right did I have to pull him away from Shinonome-san? Or Ichinose-san? Or anyone, for that matter?

The situation that unfolded yesterday made it clear that there was something between those two. Something that was meant to be kept a secret. Wataru said it himself. And the fact that he kept it a secret. Why? Does he not want me to know more about him? Does he wish to keep me at arm's length? Oh how naïve I've been. Forcing him to treat me kindly, preventing him from letting go of the pain of our past.

I realize that I'm being unreasonable. Afterall, I didn't hear Wataru's side of the story for what really happened to his hand. But if I ask, wouldn't he just tell me a kind lie?

I also can't help but think: is this what Wataru felt back when I continuously rejected him? It's unbearable. I did not know that my heart could hurt so much. When I got back home yesterday, I tried burying the pain by spending time with Airi. But, as sad as I am to admit it, that did nothing to soothe my heart.

As I sat there in despair, our homeroom teacher announced that it was time for a seat change. Almost mindlessly, I followed Sensei's instruction, and found myself sitting near the window to the front of the classroom. On the opposite side of the room was Wataru's new seat.

Is this my punishment, for having hurt Wataru so many times? Is God telling me that she had to distance herself from him? Those thoughts occurred to me and, the moment they did, an immense pain assaulted my chest. My heart hurt. Squeezed. Wept.

I won't force him to be kind to me anymore. This will be my retribution. Watar... Sajou's had enough.

He tried talking to me this morning... But I pretended to have something to do and left the classroom. It'll be painful, but in time, the pain may subside.

"Aichi!"

Oh no, please not now. Not in my current state.

Despite the pain inside, I did my best to put on a smile, hoping my best friend wouldn't notice the façade.

"Kei. Our seats aren't close yet again, huh?"

"I'm so sad Aichi. Fate is keeping us apart, but I won't let it! I'll fight back!" After this passionate proclamation, Kei started clinging to me, rubbing her cheek on my shoulder. I rubbed her head in return.

"Sorry Kei, I need to go to the bathroom before next period" I can't do this. I can't keep this up.

Without looking back, I left to find a place to be alone for a bit.

*

In an attempt to avoid conversations with my classmates, I waited till right before the bell to go back to the classroom. Unfortunately, that didn't play out in my favour, as I saw Wata- Sajou and Kei in the hallway, making their way back as well.

Thankfully, they didn't notice me walking a few paces behind them. I waited for a few seconds for the distance between us to widen, then followed them into the room.

First period was Modern History. Despite being in a horrible mental state yesterday, I still managed to get my homework done. However, I prayed that Sensei wouldn't check our work today, as mine was wrinkled and stained with dried blotches. A hint of the tears I shed last night, bearing silent testimony to my agony. I wouldn't have known how to explain those.

The morning classes ended without a hitch, and lunch arrived before I knew it. I was thankful that time was passing quickly, for all I wanted was to go home. I looked out the window to my left. The sky shared my burden the day before, weeping all night and leaving puddles of water across the school grounds. Eating outside wasn't going to be possible. I looked to the back of the classroom, searching for Kei. She was already waving at me by the time I spotted her. I gave her a faint smile as she walked over to me with her lunch box. Before either of us could say a word, a loud noise came from outside.

"Sajouuuu-kun" a girl with long black hair was at the door to our classroom. It was the third year that had flunk herself onto Sajou the other day. His sister's close friend, apparently.

My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she made her way to Sajou's new seat. Kei sat on the windowsill behind me, as if preparing for the show. But her expression was rather grim. Like me, she seemed to not feel comfortable around Onitsuka-senpai. Which made sense, considering the seduction she attempted last time.

"Ah, you've changed your seats!"

"What is it Onitsuka-senpai?"

"Why so cold? I'm just here to chat"

"And as you can see, I was about to head to the cafeteria"

"Great! Then lets head there together"

I could tell that Sajou was not enjoying this senpai's company, which for some reason made me happy. But I knew I shouldn't be having such feelings anymore. My head told me to be indifferent, yet my heart was... confused. Weak. Vulnerable. Even though I wanted to talk to him, I also, at the same time, didn't. That was for two main reasons.

Reason number one: the way my reality was shattered yesterday made me want to keep my distance. I didn't want to force him to talk to me anymore. At least for a little while.

The second reason was that I was... well, depressed. Upset. Anguished. I knew I shouldn't blame him for having secrets with Shinonome-san but... did I truly not mean much to him anymore? What about how we hugged the other day, on our way back from school? Well... It was a hug, but I told him that I'd simply tripped...

"Onitsuka-senpai, I'm awfully sorry, but time's up."

"What do you mean?"

"This is really not a good time. And even if it was... Well, I told you that your way of doing things is fine but only if the other party shares your same values"

"I feel like you're overthinking this little brother."

"Well either way, I would appreciate it if you didn't invade my personal space"

"Okay fine"

So she said... but next second, senpai clung onto Sajou's arm, attempting to get him out of his chair.

"Anyway lets go to the cafete-"

"Tamao" A sharp voice suddenly sounded from the door at the back of the classroom.