The Secret We Keep

Like fire, secrets are exciting, dangerous, and sure to burn everything down finally.

I remind myself this is only transitory. We still under control, Jaxon and I.

That was one-time occurrence in the bar.

But I know as I lie awake in my bed, playing back the sensation of his lips on mine, the way his hands held me like he was never letting go.

I understand that this is not done here.

Moreover worse?

I want it not to be.

I wake up the next morning still bearing the weight of last night.

I ought not have kissed him once again.

I ought not to have let that happen.

But my phone buzzes as I ready for the day.

Jaxon: Awaken?

My breaths stop.

For this, it is too early. Too early given my stomach turns at simply his name on my screen.

I hesitate then answer: Shouldn't you be sleeping off your poor choices?

Almost immediately a response is given.

Jaxon: Not allowed. Keep going back over mine instead.

Heat licked my spine.

I hold my phone more tightly.

For he is not merely referring to last night.

And then I wonder whether I enjoy the truth more or if I am more afraid of it.

Ava is waiting for me at the coffee shop; her arms are crossed, eyes are fierce.

She consented to meet me at least, although she is still keeping distance.

That is development, correct?

My fingers curling around the side of the table, I slide into the seat across from her. "Hey," said.

Ava lets out a breath through her nose and swirls her straw over her iced coffee. "I didn't say I wasn't still furious with you."

I start to bite my lip. "I understand."

Her eyes narrow. "Do you?"

I eat. "Ava," said "Did you end it?"

Like a wrecking ball, the question strikes me squarely.

I should lie. She should hear what I want her to hear.

Still, for some reason the words stick to my mouth like glue.

Ava tracks me for a beat.

She then lets out a harsh laugh, shakes her head. "You didn't, did you?"

I turn my head away. It's not—

"It's not what it looks like??" Ava's voice leaps, her eyes glowing. "Lena, I noticed you." I caught him.

My chest gets contracted. "It's convoluted."

Ava laughed. "No, it is not at all. You understood that would hurt me. And you let it to happen still.

Her comments land more forcefully than I could have imagined.

She is right.

Yes.

And yet, I know even as guilt consumes me completely.

I would once more do it.

I tell myself that evening I will stay away.

I am not going to text Jaxon. Not around him.

Some errors, meanwhile, are already written in the night before it starts.

The party is noisier than usual, a jumble of known faces and disastrous judgments just waiting to happen.

Ava is still frigid toward me, but at least she is speaking.

For the time being.

Then I saw him, like fate ridiculing me.

With arms crossed, Jaxon is resting against the wall and observing me as he already knows I am losing this struggle.

And my will breaks like way as well.

I distance myself. I pass him over.

Nevertheless, it makes no difference.

One hour later, I sense his heat directly behind me.

A voice low enough only for me to hear.

"You're avoiding me."

I bite hard and start to smile. "You say that like it's a bad thing?"

Jaxon laughs, but there is no entertainment value in it.

Then gentler, "You regretting last night?" he asks.

I stop.

Since he is too close and this chat is too risky.

Since I cannot lie as well.

Not to him.

I let out a breath. "No."

Jaxon stops still.

Then, before I can undo it, his fingertips shock me like a live wire by brushing my wrist.

His voice today is rougher and quieter.

"See me outside."

A caution.

An agreement.

Also, a choice I have already taken.

The second I enter the nighttime air; he is already there.

Still waiting.

Before his hands are on me, his lips collide with mine like he has been holding back for days. I hardly get a word out.

And possibly he has as well.

I inhaled shakily as his hands moved to my waist, drawing me closer.

I ought to give this up.

I ought to run.

Rather, I grip his shirt, fingers curling into the fabric, clutching him as though I would be reluctant to let go.

since perhaps I am.

Jaxon groans, pushes me against the rear wall, his lips following down my jaw, my throat.

"This is stupid," I say softly.

Jaxon turns to smile against my flesh. Yes.

Nobody stops here.

Because we are too far gone to reverse right now.

Secrets are easier to retain when they do not feel real.

But reality is squarely staring me in the face when I get up the following morning.

And it resembles Jaxon's name on my phone screen really strongly.

I should not pay attention to it.

I neither.

Officially hiding something harmful are Lena and Jaxon.

Ava is still dubious and getting nearer the truth.

Lena starts to stop but cannot. And Jaxon does not want her to.