Can't let go

It never happened.....

I wasn't a dream...

It was all real....

And here I am, sat in front of who is said to help me through this emotional trauma.

She's been saying a lot of things for the past few minutes and nothing of which I could remember or even hear, I was definitely in my own world.

"Miss Adira". I hear her called again, catching my attention.

"Yea, you said something?". I asked while she only sighed.

"Is there something wrong Miss Adira?". She asked but I only only raised a brow. "I mean sometimes you just space out and other times I feel like you're not actually hear".

I pressed my lips in a thin line and leaned on the couch.

"If I say that I feel like I'm being watched, what will be your intake on it?". I asked.

She tilted her head sideways considering what I said.

"Can you elaborate what you mean by that?". She said.

"Yea I....I think I can".I nodded. "Since the evening after my father's burial I've always had this weird feeling of being watched but I don't know who is, sometimes I even hear some sought of creepy voices when ever I'm alone".

Her gaze were fixed on me and her face held some kind of confused expression, which I've seen a thousand of times from other therapists I've had sections with.

"I know, I know, you feel like it's because of some fucking emotional trauma or shit like that or I'm probably just imagining things but trust me I know what the fuck I'm saying". I leaned forward, clasping my hand together as I stared at her.

"But I don't think that's it, I'm telling you Dr Morris someone is definitely watching me, I don't know who or why or what they want from me but I can feel if, their presence is something I can't miss, it makes my skin crawl, my hairs standing in alert, even at night Mrs Morris, even at night in my goddamn room". My lower lips tremble with the thought of being watched even in my own own tight security house.

Dr Morris looked at me for a while, noticing my distressed look

She grabbed a book and pen and turned to me.

"Can you tell me how it all started?".

I heaved a deep breathe and nodded.

"It all started 10 years ago, after my father's burial when we drove in, I felt a presence watching me but I didn't know which direction it watched from and that build up some kind of fear within me, I couldn't even close my eyes without Mrs Abi being beside me, and that went of for that whole month and it stopped after a section with my first therapist but it started again after a few days, he couldn't handle my 'hallucination' as he called it I mean several other therapists said so ". I paused and looked at her to see if she was following before I continued.

"But I'm seriously not hallucinating Dr Morris, this shit is definitely real."

"So it never stopped?". Dr Morris asked as she dropped the book on the center table.

"Yea...." I nodded. "It stopped for a while after I shut everyone out when I decided to be alone since noone believed I word I was saying, but I started sensing it again when I paid a visit to dad". I looked down at my thighs, fiddling with my bracelet. "For the first time in 10 years". I continued.

"Why did you not go all these time and finally decided to go now?".

I gripped the handle of the couch angrily with my lower lips locked between my teeth.

"I was still mad at him, I wanted him to feel my absence just like the way he made me feel his, though each year I didn't go to visit him, I had this guilt in me but back then I still haven't let go of him, I still believed he was alive....Or maybe I kept wishing that he was alive".

Dr Morris wrote something down on her notepad and nodded.

"What about now?...have you finally let go?".

I raised my head and shook it lightly.

"I haven't, I'm still really mad at him for living me all alone, I only went to pay a visit he ust because I wanted him to see that I'm indeed faring well without him".

I lied.....

I missed dad, I really do but still he left me and I can't just easily forget that, but still he was always there for me and I miss the times we spent together.

But I couldn't say it, maybe because I'm trying hard to believe that I don't miss him, that I don't need anybody but deep down..... deep down..

"So up from that time till now, you have this feeling of being watched".

"Yea, and the distance between I and the presence I feel is much more closer than when I was 15". I added.

"You said you have no relatives correct?".

"No, I said dad never made mention of any relatives so let's assume I don't have any".

Mrs Morris nodded and took of her glasses.

"Whenever you feel such presence try hard not to get affected by it just close your eyes, take a deep breathe and clench your entire body, I'll ask Mrs Abi to tighten your security so don't let it bother you". She said with a wide smile.

I nodded and stood up.

"Call Mrs Abi on your way out, I need to talk to her". She added as I walked out.

"Addy, how was it?". Mrs Abi jumped from her sit and rushed to me.

I stared at her slightly annoyed why she had insisted on coming with me to see my therapist when she could just stay back at home while I handle my shit myself and alone.

"I'm fine, besides Dr Morris wants to have a word with you". I said walking past her, headed to the garage where my driver was waiting. "I'll wait in the car". I said.

I could feel her eyes on me, watching me as I left and I knew what those eyes held, something I really disdained, Pity.

As I walked towards the car, my hair on my neck stood up in alert

..that presence again..

I turned around to check if there was anyone there but noone was in sight

I closed my eyes, heaving a heavy breath, I clenched my body and breathed out, and I suddenly got calm.

"Where's Davidson?".I asked the driver who held the door for me as I went inside.

"He has some emergency at the company, he asked me to tell you he'll write you a message". He said and closed the door.

I closed my eyes and leaned on the window patiently waiting for Mrs Abi who seemed to be spending a lot of time at Dr Morris Office.

"What are they talking about.." I wondered and grabbed my phone to call her when the door suddenly opened.

"You spent longer than expected". I said with my eyes fixed on my phone.

"Yes, I actually did, I'm sorry pumpkin". She said with a light chuckle.

I looked up at her for a while then over to my phone again. "What'd you both talk about?".

Mrs Abi smiled and shook her head. "It's nothing you nosy kid, she only wanted me to tighten your security". She said. "Besides you didn't tell me it was happening again".

"I thought discussions made between doctors and patients are meant to be private".

"I'm your guardian Addy, I need to know in other to help too".

I scoffed and grabbed my headphones putting it on. Hell I need her help, or anyone's help.