Chapter 4 HOW TO TRAIN YO?R DRAGON

"HA HA HA HA!"

Snotlout was laughing so hard that he hadn't managed to say anything at all.

The boys were hanging about the village gates, taking the opportunity to show off the dragons that they had caught. Hiccup had tried to walk through without being noticed, but Snotlout had stopped him.

"Let's see what pathetic creature Hiccup has got," said Snotlout, and took off the lid.

"Oh, this is BRILLIANT -- look at it!" said Snotlout, when he finally got his breath back from laughing. "What IS it, Hiccup? A brown bunny rabbit with wings? A flower fairy? A fluffy flying frog? Gather round everybody and see the magnif icent animal that Our ?uture Leader has caught himself!"

"Oh, Hiccup, you are useless," crowed Speedifist. "You're the son of a CHI??,forThor'ssake. Why didn't you get one of those If new Monstrous Nightmares with the six-foot wing-span and the extra-extendable claws? They're really mean killers, they are.""I have one," grinned Snotlout, I gesturing to the terrifying-looking, flame-red animal fast asleep in his basket. "I think I shall call her ?IR?WORM. What are you going to call yours, Hiccup? Sweetums? Sugarlips? Babyface?"

Hiccup's dragon took this particular moment to give a huge yawn, opening his tiny mouth wide to reveal a flickering, forked tongue, very pink gums, and ABSOLUT?LY NO T??TH AT ALL.

Snotlout laughed so hard, Speedifist had to hold him upright.

"TOOTHL?SS!" cried Snotlout. "Hiccup has found himself the only TOOTHL?SS dragon in the uncivilized world! This is too good. Hiccup the US?L?SS and his dragon, TOOTHL?SS!"

?ishlegs leaped to Hiccup's defense.

"Well, you are not allowed that Monstrous Nightmare that you've got there, Snotface Snotlout. Only the son of a Chief is allowed a Monstrous Nightmare. That ?ireworm dragon is Hiccup's, by right."

Snotlout's eyes narrowed. He grabbed ?ishlegs's arm and twisted it viciously behind his back.

"Nobody's listening to you, you plankton-hearted, fish-legged, disaster area," sneered Snotlout. "Thanks to you and your sniveling, sneezing disability, that whole military operation was nearly a total disaster. When I'm Chief of this Tribe the first thing I'm going to do is boot anybody with a pathetic allergy like yours straight out into exile.

You're not fit to be a Hooligan!"

?ishlegs went very white in the face, but he still managed to gasp out, "But you are NOT going to be Chief of this Tribe. HICCUP is going to be Chief of this Tribe."

Snotlout dropped ?ishlegs's arm and advanced menacingly on Hiccup.

"Oh, he is, is he?" jeered Snotlout. "So, I'm not allowed that Monstrous Nightmare, am I? Our ?uture Leader is keeping very quiet about it, isn't he? Come on, Hiccup, I'm stealing your inheritance. What are you going to do about it, then, eh?"

The boys all looked solemn. Snotlout really had broken an ancient Viking rule.

"Hiccup should challenge you for the dragon," said ?ishlegs slowly, and everybody swiveled around to look expectantly at Hiccup.

"Oh, brilliant," muttered Hiccup under his breath. "Thank you, ?ishlegs. My day just gets better and better."

Snotlout was a great brute of a boy who didn't really need Dogsbreath's help when it came to bashing people up. He wore specially constructed, bronze-tipped sandals in order to cause maximum damage when kicking people. Hiccup tried to stay out of his way as much as he possibly could.

But he couldn't ignore this insult to his status, now that ?ishlegs had helpfully pointed it out, without looking like a coward in front of the other boys. And if you became known as a coward in the Hooligan Tribe, you might as well go the whole hog and wear a pale pink jerkin, take up playing the harp, and change your name to ?rmintrude.

"I challenge you, Snotface Snotlout, for the dragon, ?ireworm, who is mine by right," said Hiccup, trying to hide his reluctance by speaking as loudly and formally as he could.

"I accept your challenge," said Snotlout super-fast, grinning all over his horrid, smug face. "Axes or fists?"

"?ists," said Hiccup. Because axes were a R?ALLY bad idea.

"I shall look forward to showing you how a real ?uture Hero fights," said Snotlout, and then he remembered something, "A?T?R the Initiation thing on Thor'sday Thursday, though. I don't want to stub my toe or anything while I'm kicking you all around the village."

"Hiccup might win," ?ishlegs pointed out.

"O? COURS? he won't win," boasted Snotlout. "Look at my sporting ability, my Viking courage, my capacity for mindless violence. I shall win just as surely as I shall be Chief of this Tribe one day. I mean, look at my dragon and then look at HIS dragon." He pointed mockingly at Toothless. "The gods have spoken. It's only a matter of time.

"In the meantime," Snotlout carried on, "I shall live in fear of being gummed to death by Hiccup's terrifying, toothless terrapin."

And Snotlout sauntered off in a lordly fashion, giving Hiccup a nasty kick on the shins as he did so.

"Sorry about the challenge," ?ishlegs apologized, after they had left the baskets with the dragons in them under their beds at their homes.

"Oh, don't worry about it," said Hiccup. "Somebody would have gotten me to do it anyway.You know how they all love a fight."

?ishlegs and Hiccup were going to the Great Hall to look for the book Gobber had recommended: How to Train Your Dragon, by Professor Yobbish.

"As it happens," confided Hiccup, "I know a bit about dragons already, but I haven't the foggiest clue how to start training one. I would have said they were virtually untrainable. I'm really looking forward to getting some tips."

The Great Hall was a hullabaloo of young barbarians fighting, yelling, and playing the popular Viking game of Bashyball, which was a very violent contact sport with lots of contact and very few rules.

Hiccup and ?ishlegs found the book tucked away in the fireplace, practically in the fire.

Hiccup had never noticed it before.

He opened the book.

(I have included a basic replica of How to Train Your Dragon, by Professor Yobbish, here -- in order that you can share the experience with Hiccup of opening that book for the first time, full of hope and interest and expectation. You will have to imagine that the cover is unusually thick, with huge golden clasps, and that some scribe has covered it in elaborately fancy gilt lettering. It looks very inviting indeed.) HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON -BY-PRO??SSOR YOBBISH BA, MA Hons, Cantab. ?tc.

BIG A?? BOOKS 10th Anniversary ?dition WINN?R O? TH? B?ST BOOK ?OR BARBARIANS GOLD AWARD This book is dedicated to mommy, with love from your dearest you.

Copyright © Professor Yobbish, Dark Ages.

The publishers, Big Axe Books Ltd, would like to point out that they take no responsibility whatsoever for any injuries that may occur as a result of any person or persons following the advice given this book.

Thank you for your attention.

M?ATH?AD PUBLIC LIBRARY A note from the Hairy Scary Librarian: Please return this book or before the last date stamped or I will be V?RY ANNOY?D. I think you know what I mean.

DO NOT R?MOV? THIS BOOK OR W? WILL BASH YOU!!!

ABOUT TH? AUTHOR Professor Yobbish (BA, MA Hons, Cantab. etc.) has spent many years in the wild observing dragons in their natural habitat. This book is the culmination of his research and it is the definitive textbook on the subject of these fascinating creatures.

Professor Yobbish lives alone in a cave on the Isle of Doom. He is the author of Looking After Your Killer Whale and Sharks and Other Great Pets. He is currently writing a book about butterflies.

CHAPT?R TH? ?IRST (AND LAST) The Golden Rule of Dragon- Training is to...

Y?LL AT IT!

(The louder the better.) TH? ?ND How would YOU train a dragon?

Look inside for ALL the answers in Professor Yobbish's hugely entertaining, and informative book. ?ollow his simple advice and you will soon be on your way to becoming the Hero you've always wanted to be...

Praise for How To Train Your Dragon:

"This book changed my life." Squidface the Terrible "A brilliant book." The MeatheadMonthly "Nobody yells better than Professor Yobbish. This is a sensitive and well-researched book that contains all the information you need to turn your dragon into a pussy cat." The Hooligan observer "Yobbish is a genius."The Viking Times PRIC?: 1 SMAUISH CHICK?N 20 OYST?RS "THAT'S IT??!" said Hiccup furiously, turning the book upside down and shaking it, trying to see whether there was anything other than that single page of paper inside it.

Hiccup put the book down. His face was unusually grim.

"Okay, ?ishlegs," he said, "unless you're any better at yelling than I am, we're on our own. We're going to have to work out our own method of dragon training."

Stoick the VAST