Chapter 4. Savannah

Names etched in stone passed Savannah by with every step she made up the blackened paved path. Names and dates that meant very little to her, other than an expiration date that made her wonder if they too had a short ending. A twisted and winding path that led to many of the same flag, grass, and flower-covered graves was like a glimpse into the future that many would be placed into but never see for themselves with those driven by grief for those they lost, unaware of their own fate in those moments.

How did families or friends feel when they passed? Did they still grieve, or did it settle to a low dull ache? It made her wonder if the person under the ground had someone in their last moments. Or did they pass alone, without any of those they knew? She didn't want to be that person. To outlive all those she knew and leave the unforgiving Earth last, alone with the grief and pain it came to know that no one would attend her own.

Unless she had children herself. Which, with the way her life was going, didn't seem likely.

Moments were fleeting, like a leaf that soared in the wind. It only carried it so far before it decided to let up, and everything that kept it from falling to its demise was gone. When it would slowly descend to the bottom, where endless possibilities awaited.

She wondered if that was what everyone's last moments were like. It was a beautiful thought, but Savannah didn't think it was that peaceful.

She didn't know if the definition of peaceful even existed anymore.

The grandiose lie that everyone had been told and clung to over the years was, in reality, a veil that hindered their sight from seeing the truth that they trampled all over.

It was what everyone made it to be.

A painting that brought them joy. A riverfront they sat in front of, letting their worries wash away with the water. It could have been the person closest to them, their aura, personality. The hues of colors on the horizon cast across the tops of trees or ripples of water. But they were moments-fleeting, once in a lifetime, a breath of air.

Then it was gone.

Shattered.

Broken into pieces that they tried to put back together for the rest of their lives, trying to recreate that semblance of peace they once had.

It was impossible. That crack changed everything. You couldn't become blind to everything that you were once blissfully unaware of.

Savannah stopped in front of a freshly polished stone. The name she had not spoken in that month stared back at her, haunting and testing her to speak it.

Arielle Cadel

In loving memory of

a kind and beautiful soul

Daughter, sister, and friend.

1992-2018

Her knees sank into the soft dirt and leaned back onto her heels. The flowers in her hand felt more vibrant and full of life than she cared to see, and placed them against the grave-right next to a bundle of white daffodils. The bright golden flowers contrasted against the smooth grey stone that had Arielle's name carved into it, adding a warm appearance to the white flowers.

Twenty-six years was a long time-to most. It wasn't when it was the prime to start the life she barely got to live.

Arielle had plans for her future that she never got to explore. Places she wanted to travel. She wanted to settle down in a few years and have kids after traveling to places she dreamed of seeing.

Now, she wouldn't be able to experience any of that.

There was no trip to the Ben Nevis, to Spain for its culture, the crystal clear waters in the Bahamas, or the trek in Thailand that was high on her list of places to see and experience. There would be no wedding where she stood beside her at the altar, watching her best friend get married and give a speech that flowed with pride of how much she appreciated her and watched her grow to love someone who cherished her just the way she deserved to be.

The sad truth was she didn't think the dead could hear those who talked to them. It was a captivating delusion everyone told themselves while they sat in front of the carved stone. Speaking of the days they drudged through without them in it, to the changes in their life and how they made it through the day to see the next.

Savannah didn't feel Arielle there. Nor did she feel close to her at any of the places they loved to frequent together.

A heart-wrenching ache.

Unfamiliar.

Empty.

That was all Savannah felt every time she tried to feel some connection to the places they loved. To feel a semblance of normalcy she once had to get her through the day into the next and the next.

Arielle's grave was the hardest. It was the last place she tried to feel that connection so many had talked about. She had hoped the last place she had seen Arielle being nestled into the ground was the one place she wouldn't find that tethered connection.

Why would she want that constant reminder as she stared at a cold hard stone with a name carved on it as she stood over the enclosed hole she had been placed in?

The grass had barely grown over the dirt that she kneeled on, reminding her of the freshness that still ripped at her chest.

It still felt unfamiliar. An emptiness that Savannah hadn't felt since the day Arielle died. A hole that she knew wouldn't be filled by just visiting a place they loved. To feel a wisp of a presence that was no longer there.

How could life could be cut short without notice?

And for what?

It always seemed to be those that didn't deserve it. It was never those who others felt deserved such a fate. Those who paraded around in sheep's clothing, stomping on lives like it was nothing. Karma and justice seemed out of reach to validate the punishment that should have been swift, raining down on them like a raging storm that leveled the foundation into nothing. Leaving a clean slate in its wake.

That was something Savannah couldn't understand in God's ways. He always talked about rewarding those who followed his beliefs, but the last time she remembered something praiseworthy was Jesus. But he went through hardships and agonizing pain before anything was done. She-along with everyone else, had believed that he had ascended to Heaven a short period after he resurrected and joined God.

But did he ever regret it?

Did he see what had become of humanity and feel that everything had been useless?

Everything she knew, she was beginning to question. But there was no way for her to get answers. At least not very truthful answers. She knew what her Pastor would say if she asked. "To question God would be to question the faith you have in him. A time will come when everything is set before you, and you will see the truth."

Her lip slowly curled upward. Her nails dug into her palms but did nothing as she allowed the pain to wallow through her.

Slowly, she relaxed, allowing a slow breath to escape her lips.

"Hi, Ree," she began, placing a hand on top of the rough edge of the stone. "It feels like forever since I've been here. When in reality, it's only been a little over a month since you were...put to rest. The days don't get easier without you."

They seemed to blend together. The same routine. The same food. The same scenery. It was so repetitive that it began to burn the back of her eyes to look at every day.

The only difference was five nights ago went she out and met Asmodeus.

A night of letting go-or as much as she could, and feeling as if the ache in her chest had dimmed slightly with her friends around and Arielle's whispers of courage. Even if they were words formed by her consciousness that helped to cope.

Those blue eyes contrasted against dark brown hair. An undercurrent of water that pulled her in, submerging her in a different depth that soothed rather than pushed and pulled. One never seen from the surface.

It was captivating. Enticing one to jump into its depths before it could grasp and embrace them in its hold. It was the unknown that made her heart beat faster and a surge of adrenaline pumped through her veins. She couldn't tell which emotion she felt more; scared or anticipation. She'd never met a man like Asmodeus.

Someone who could easily build her back and tear it back down with a glance.

"I met someone. His name is Asmodeus." Savannah chuckled half-heartedly. "You would have gotten a kick out of his name, huh? Well, he's an insistent guy. Always texts me before I'm awake and sends one before I go to bed. Asks me how my day is going and checks in throughout the day. I bet he's the type you would have hounded me to talk to. If I'm being honest, I love it, but I feel like I'd fall too hard if I let myself get carried away. Then what? You were my rock when David cheated. I don't know if I could go through that again and make it out. You were my sister. In every way but blood. And even then, words could not express how much you meant to me." Savannah's throat tightened. Her eyes stung as she forced the words out. "I miss you. I miss you so much, Arielle, and I don't know what I should do."

She covered her mouth when a choked cry escaped and leaned forward. Tendrils of brown hair cascaded around her face, guarding her like a curtain from unwanted stares. There hadn't been anyone there when she walked up, but she knew people came and went soundlessly. And here she was, alone and grieving, knowing she had met a man that Arielle would have pushed her into the arms of, and she wasn't there to see it or how the world seemed to turn against her when she felt at her lowest. It was like a freight train hit her in the chest, making it harder to take a deep breath to fill her lungs.

Savannah tilted her head to the sky, peering at the white fluffs of condensed water vapors that floated in the sky that slowly passed by. If she took the time, she was sure she could make out the rays that filtered through the denseness of them. They didn't seem as bright and beautiful as they once had. A ray of hope that shone down through the bleak and dense shadows that threatened to swallow the world in darkness. The more they moved, the more she felt like they cut through everything with the intent to blind those who tried to gaze at their beauty.

"I don't know what to believe anymore, Ree. Can I take this as a sign from you? To tell that a-hole to shove it while finding happiness again? He seems great. Funny even. Though his brothers don't seem to like me much. I'm not sure I'm worth standing next to him. I can't help but...want that."

The rough, uneven stone grabbed at her skin as she ran her fingers along its edges.

Arielle hadn't wanted perfection. A smoothness that gave way to all the imperfect things that made someone special. The rough edges that were hidden behind the front people put up. She wanted the world to see that no one was perfect, even if she wasn't there to tell them that.

Pain rippled from the tips of her fingers when she applied more pressure to the sharp points on the stone edges. There were some things she had never wanted to admit out loud; that feeling any kind of pain helped ground her being one of them. Nail biting, stomach clenching, and lightheadedness. She couldn't tell if her nerves got the best of her or screamed at her.

"It still feels wrong. There's no right or wrong answer to this, yet I feel like there is. Some kind of stupid sign I'm not sure I would get if I even asked and prayed as if my life depended on it. It did nothing to save you. Why should it give me anything now?"

Jaw clenched, her lips pressed into a thin line. She breathed out heavily, relaxing her muscles as much as possible.

Why had everything in her life recently had to feel like some hurdle to watch her struggle to get through it? Her parents never fought-at least not full-blown, but they had their fair share of small arguments that never lasted more than a few hours, and then they went back to two people who seemed to be going on their first honeymoon.

She wanted that.

And she thought she had that with David. But that was also a lie she was sucked into and spit back out like a washed rag that didn't serve its purpose.

Savannah placed her hand against the base of Arielle's grave and leaned her forehead against the only smooth face of the stone.

"I hope you're happy, Ree. Causing mayhem with that giddy smile on your face. I bet those people don't know what they signed up for. I'll try my best to keep moving forward, cause I know you'd be disappointed otherwise."

Closing her eyes, not feeling an ounce of closeness but knowing she'd hate herself, she whispered the words she longed to say one last time. "I love you."

۵

Walking into her apartment, the click of the door echoed in the small hallway leading to her open living room and kitchen. She rested her weight against the door, releasing a breath as she stared down the hall. The entryway was lit by the evening glow that filtered through her living room windows. Its colors were cast against the off-white walls she disliked since she moved in. A bleak reminder of the events from the past few months to weeks.

Moving further in, she set her keys and purse down on the peninsula bar top. The kitchen was set off to the right of the entryway a few feet in, giving an open view of the living room over the peninsula.

She only got the fridge door opened when her phone rang on the counter inside her purse. The soft vibration echoed through her small apartment.

Savannah internally groaned, tipping her head back before fishing her phone out of her purse.

The display name with a picture of her parents stared back at her. Her mother's smile glowed while she stood next to her father, his arm around her waist. It wasn't anything special, yet to her, it was the way they still felt for each other even years later. The way her father stood barefoot in the sand, even when he didn't like the feeling of its rough and scratchy texture; he did it for her mother. It never stopped him from bringing them to the beach since her mother loved it. The sky, although slightly cloudy, still shined down brightly on them. It had been that kind of love she wanted: stern, selfless, and unyielding.

Sliding her finger across her phone, she answered with a small smile. "Hi, Mom."

She tucked her phone between her shoulder and ear, and walked back to the fridge, listening to her mother on the other end.

"Savannah. I got worried when you hadn't called in a while. How are you?"

She scanned her fridge twice, contemplating what she could make for dinner with the little she had left. The bottle of wine standing out that lay at the bottom. It was a leftover from the time she stayed at Arielle's before she had found this place.

"I'm fine, Mom. I've been meaning to call or visit... it's just..." She once heard wine aged beautifully and the thought of diving into its sweet taste was too tempting to resist. She remembered how its sweet flavor went down her throat smoothly, settling into her veins that would numb her muscles, mind, and the hollow ache in her chest.

"I know, sweetie. Have you visited her yet? We went by this morning, cleaned it up a bit, and left flowers."

The thought and reminder of the white daffodils she knew her mother had left tore another sharp pain across her chest. Her parents loved Arielle like a daughter. She wasn't the only one to lose someone close and feel the loss.

Grabbing for the bottle of wine, the gnawing pain she wanted to drown out won while she told herself it would only be one glass.

Just one glass and she'd shower and go to bed.

Her mother's voice was soothing through the phone, yet it also held the same pain underneath each word as she spoke to her.

Savannah let out a breath, trying to relieve the ache that settled in her chest just as it did anytime she thought of Arielle. "I did. I brought her favorite flowers too. It wouldn't have felt right to bring something that felt more grieving. I-" She blew out a breath as her cheek expanded, feeling ready to burst.

It hurt so much.

Her mother's voice softened on the other end. "You know she wouldn't have wanted anything else. You know it's okay, Savannah. It's okay to let it out, get frustrated, and grieve in your own way. I just hope you know that we're all still here for you."

Savannah opened the cupboard that held the cheap glasses she bought at the thrift store with a shaking hand and pulled one out. "No, I know. I appreciate that more than I might show. I just..."

How could she justify the doubt and anger she felt towards the one thing her parents believed so deeply in?

Opening the wine bottle, she topped off the glass before corking the top and placing it back in the fridge. Mentally putting a lock on it, she told herself to order in since there was no way she was in the mood to make food-or be tempted to open the bottle again.

"I will always be there for you, Anna. How was your night out with Rachael and Max earlier this week?"

The change of topic was welcomed since that topic was something she'd rather not dive deep into a discussion about. It took everything she had not to slide down the wall and swallow the pain with each sip of the wine she held and break down for the guilt that wanted to wrap around her heart and squeeze with no remorse.

Thankfully, her voice came out even. "It was okay. Not as bad as I thought it would be."

She couldn't tell her mother about Asmodeus. Even she didn't know where it was going between them.

Asmodeus texts were everything, if not, filled with sweet words that never broke a barrier she wasn't even sure she had placed, but never crossed the line either way. Phone calls were another thing entirely because hearing his voice was enough to settle a heavy weight on her chest that made her want to drown in guilt and sorrow even more.

"That's good. As long as you enjoyed yourself, even a little, that's all that matters."

Asmodeus's ocean-blue eyes appeared in her mind. The way his hand felt in hers as she followed his lead. The way her skin ignited under his touch and the brisk cold feeling when it left hers. She had only been there because it got her free coffee from Max. Other than that, she didn't exactly hate the place, but she wasn't enjoying herself that night either.

Not until she had questions that needed answers and he held out a hand, asking for a dance that changed the course of that night.

The cool liquid slid down her throat smoothly as she took a long sip, warming her up almost instantly. She didn't need to think of him today.

"How is your planning for classes going?"

"I have everything planned for the year already. I plan on going the first day, but I know John said I didn't have to come in. It just wouldn't feel right if I took time off. I left a whole month early when everything happened. It wouldn't feel right to have a substitute step in right at the beginning of the year. Besides, I think I need this." She felt like she needed her job to distract her from everything. It was excruciatingly painful to be in the same places that held so many memories of her. The many laughs and jokes over family dinners. The tears shed over movies and talks of futures. But it also wasn't right to avoid them. It only prolonged the inevitable Savannah avoided.

"Arielle would understand. You know that. There's no rush on healing, sweetie. No one would blame you for taking more time off if you needed it. You're students always love you."

Savannah silently listened to her mother's voice. She always knew what to say when it needed to be said; the right combination of words that fit so right, yet to let them sink in, even when she knew they were true, was tough.

Easier said than done.

"And if they do, grasp that energy she wanted you to have and give it back. And dinner is always open here if you're up for it."

Savannah sighed heavily. "Yeah... I know. I'm just going to order in tonight."

"Are you sure? You sound tired. I can drive it over if you want."

Another sip to drown the pain and grief she heard in her mother's voice. She didn't want her mother to feel as if she failed her.

If anything, it was her that failed.

She failed to find what her parents had. Too blind to see what was right under her nose. And naive to think she could easily hide the heartache and pain without letting others see. "No, I don't want to make you drive all the way over here to bring me food. It's just for tonight."

"If you're sure then I won't push. Get some sleep. I love you."

"I will. I love you too."

Savannah ended the call, placing the phone down on the counter and staring at it. The silence hung in the apartment, and she allowed it for a few minutes before she turned some music on to fill the silence.

With her glass in hand, she made her way into the living room and lowered herself onto the couch. One foot curled under herself, leaning onto the arm of the couch, and stared at the screen void of color. Dinner could wait; she wasn't hungry to order anything yet.