How to Get Out of Hell-named Novice Village

Coll Apsi dragged his battered body up the stairs. Every step creaked ominously, as if warning him that even the floorboards had given up on life.

The second floor was even worse than the first. The air was damp, the walls had mysterious stains, and there was a strong smell of regret—or maybe that was just his own.

He found his room at the very end of the hallway. The door had a huge crack, and the room number was just scribbled in chalk as if someone had lost faith in maintaining it.

Coll Apsi took a deep breath and pushed the door open.

—It was tragic.

The bed was barely a bed. The wooden frame looked like it had survived three wars, a famine, and a divorce. The mattress was so thin it would be more comfortable to sleep on a bed of knives.

A mana lamp flickered weakly, struggling for its last moments of existence. The mana stone inside it was nearly dead, and it was probably older than Coll Apsi's gaming career.

Coll Apsi sighed.

"At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow missing a kidney…"

He dragged himself toward the window, feeling the need for some fresh air. He cracked it open slightly—

—and nearly had a heart attack.

Outside, the village was overrun.

Night Predators. Dozens. No, hundreds.

Wolves prowled the streets, their eyes glowing with an eerie blue light, their bodies moving like shadows in the mist.

Above them, massive crows circled in the sky, their razor-sharp talons clinking against rooftops. Some were perched on chimneys, their heads twitching unnaturally. Others clawed at the doors of empty houses, scraping against the wood like something out of a horror movie.

Coll Apsi's stomach dropped.

Had he arrived even a minute later…

Had he hesitated for just a second…

Had he chosen to argue with the old man…

He would have been ripped apart.

Coll Apsi felt weak. His legs trembled as he stumbled back from the window. He sat down on the floor, burying his face in his hands.

"…What the hell kind of game is this?"

The Afterlife System beeped.

[Master, this is the Hardcore Mode you unknowingly agreed to.]

[Enjoy.]

Coll Apsi wanted to scream.

[SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT]

[CRY OF DESPAIR]

Coll Apsi decided to do the only rational thing left—sleep and pray that everything outside would magically disappear by morning.

He collapsed onto the barely-functioning bed. The springs screamed in agony, the wooden frame creaked like an old man's joints, and the entire structure tilted slightly to one side. But he was too mentally exhausted to care.

Closing his eyes, he tried to ignore the distant howls of Night Predators, the ominous scratching against rooftops, and the occasional soul-chilling caw of monstrous crows.

"…It's just a game," he muttered. "Just a game. Just a gam—"

And just like that, he passed out.

The Next Morning.

Coll Apsi woke up feeling… marginally less dead inside.

The moment he opened his eyes, he was greeted by the sight of a ceiling stain shaped like an old man screaming.

"…Yep. Still alive."

He dragged himself out of bed, feeling like a man who had survived a tax audit, a hangover, and a betrayal—all at the same time. He rubbed his face, muttered a few curses, and finally staggered downstairs.

Rusty Mug Inn – Ground Floor.

The moment he set foot in the bar, the atmosphere was as depressing as he remembered.

The inn was dead silent. No music. No laughter. No lively chatter of adventurers.

Just… nothing.

The bar was as empty as Coll Apsi's hope.

And there, right in the middle of it all, stood the same unforgettable figure—

The fat, bald bartender with a long, tangled beard.

A man who had clearly given up on life, personal hygiene, and possibly morality.

As Coll Apsi approached, the bartender casually scratched his rear, completely unbothered by the presence of another human being.

The smell of cheap alcohol, sweat, and something vaguely illegal hung in the air.

Coll Apsi sat down at the bar, resting his head on the wooden counter.

He stared at the bartender.

The bartender stared back.

Silence.

Coll Apsi took a deep breath.

"…Do you ever wash your hands?"

The bartender shrugged.

"Only when it rains."

Coll Apsi wanted to die.

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[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: NEW QUEST RECEIVED]

[A New Dawn, A New Hell]

Objective: Get out of this godforsaken beginner village.

Reward: Freedom (kind of).

Failure Penalty: Eternal suffering in NPC purgatory.

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Coll Apsi blinked at the notification.

Then squinted.

Then read it again.

"…What kind of reward is 'kind of'?"

But before he could protest, a second notification popped up—

[Hint: If you want to escape, ask the wise and knowledgeable NPC, Rusty Mug Inn's owner.]

Coll Apsi slowly turned to face the 'wise and knowledgeable NPC' sitting in front of him.

The fat, bald, bearded bartender, who was now picking his teeth with a chicken bone, looking about as wise and knowledgeable as a drunken goat.

Coll Apsi took a deep breath.

"…Alright, old man. How do I get out of here?"

The bartender slowly looked up, his lifeless eyes full of secrets.

"…You leave."

Coll Apsi's eyelid twitched.

"Yes, but how?"

The bartender took a long sip from a suspiciously dirty tankard.

"…You walk."

Coll Apsi's soul left his body for a brief moment.

"And HOW do I walk out of the village if I can't even OPEN the damn gates?!"

The bartender raised an eyebrow, as if this was the stupidest question he'd ever heard.

"…Have you tried using your feet?"

Coll Apsi had to physically restrain himself from flipping the table.

"Listen here, you sentient potato—"

Before he could finish, a third system notification appeared.

[New Sub-Quest Unlocked: Convince the bartender to help you.]

Method 1: Offer him something of value.

Method 2: Do him a favor.

Method 3: Accept your fate and rot here forever.

Coll Apsi groaned.

"…Alright, old man. What do you want?"

The bartender grinned.

"Oh, you know. Just a little something."

Coll Apsi narrowed his eyes.

"…What kind of something?"

The bartender leaned in, eyes twinkling with mischief.

"I want you… to listen to my life story."

Coll Apsi froze.

Then, the system delivered its final, cruelest blow—

[Warning: Listening to NPC backstory may cause extreme boredom, loss of will to live, and spontaneous brain cell death.]

Coll Apsi grabbed his head.

"…I should have just let the wolves eat me."

Coll Apsi felt his soul crack like a cheap phone screen as the bartender leaned in, his greasy beard glistening in the dim tavern light like an unwashed mop soaked in ale and broken dreams.

"Alright, listen up, kid," the bartender said, voice heavy with the wisdom of someone who had clearly seen too many bad decisions in life and contributed to at least half of them.

Coll Apsi braced himself.

"You wanna leave this village?" the bartender asked.

"Yes."

"You wanna survive out there?"

"Obviously."

"Then you must—" he paused for dramatic effect, his fat fingers tapping against the wooden counter—

"Reach Level 20."

Coll Apsi choked on air.

"...LEVEL 20?!"

The bartender nodded sagely, like a greasy Buddha who had just delivered enlightenment through pure suffering.

Coll Apsi looked at his status screen.

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[PLAYER STATUS]

Name: Coll Apsi

Level: -1 (Wait, what?)

Class: Unemployed Loser

Health: Questionable

Mana: Not even worth mentioning

Skills: Sarcasm (Max), Bad Decisions (Passive), Luck? (???), Debt (Unpayable)

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Coll Apsi felt his entire existence shatter.

"...HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO FROM LEVEL -1 TO LEVEL 20 IN A DEAD VILLAGE?!"

The bartender shrugged.

"Figure it out, champ."

Coll Apsi slammed the counter. "THERE ARE NO MONSTERS TO GRIND! NO QUESTS TO TAKE! THE ONLY OTHER NPC HERE IS YOU, AND I CAN'T EXACTLY FARM EXP FROM YOUR FAT ASS!"

The bartender blinked.

"…Well, actually, if you kill me, you'd probably get a decent amount of exp."

Coll Apsi froze.

Then narrowed his eyes.

The bartender slowly backed away.

"Wait. I was kidding—"

[SYSTEM WARNING: ATTACKING THIS NPC WILL RESULT IN PERMANENT DEATH. YES, EVEN FOR YOU, YOU IDIOT.]

Coll Apsi gritted his teeth. The system never let him have fun.

"...There has to be another way," he muttered.

The bartender chuckled, slapping his round belly like it was a drum.

"Oh, of course, kid. You just gotta—"

Coll Apsi leaned in eagerly.

"...Find a way to be relevant."

Coll Apsi immediately collapsed onto the counter, face-first.

"That's literally impossible."

Coll Apsi slumped against the counter, staring at the void of his miserable existence. His brain felt like a Windows XP system on the verge of crashing.

His fingers shakily pulled up his status screen. He needed to check. Maybe—just maybe—he wasn't hallucinating.

And there it was.

Different. Again.

"...WHAT THE HELL?!"

He grabbed his head. "WHY DOES MY STATUS KEEP CHANGING?!"

A familiar chime rang in his ears.

[SYSTEM MESSAGE: Master, your intelligence score just dropped by another point. Congrats.]

Coll Apsi twitched.

"Shut up!" he snapped. "System, explain! Why does my status keep changing every time I check it?!"

[SYSTEM MESSAGE: Depends on my mood.]

Coll Apsi almost punched the air.

"...EXCUSE ME?!"

[SYSTEM MESSAGE: Yeah, I just kinda... do what I feel like. Maybe your mana is full, maybe it's not. Maybe you have strength, maybe you don't. It's a mystery, huh? Fun, right?]

Coll Apsi was going to have an aneurysm.

"WHAT KIND OF BROKEN SYSTEM ARE YOU?!"

[SYSTEM MESSAGE: The best kind, Master. The one that makes you suffer.]

Coll Apsi screamed internally.

Coll Apsi slumped over the bar, his soul already halfway to the afterlife for the second time. He had accepted his fate. Maybe being a Level -1 loser forever wasn't so bad. Maybe he could open a tavern and scam people instead.

And then—

A blinding light engulfed the room.

Coll Apsi shielded his eyes as a divine radiance burst forth from the bald, shiny dome of the tavern owner's head. It was so bright, so holy, that for a brief second, Coll Apsi thought an actual god had descended.

And then, the man spoke.

"I KNOW HOW YOU CAN LEVEL UP IN THIS CURSED BEGINNER VILLAGE!"

Coll Apsi gasped. "W-what?! Please, tell me!"

The holy light intensified. The tavern owner slowly turned his head, causing his baldness to refract like a divine beacon. If there were any lost ships at sea, they probably just found their way home.

And then—

He delivered the forbidden knowledge.

"You must kill Night Predators."

Silence.

Coll Apsi's soul shattered. His knees gave out. His hope imploded.

He collapsed onto the floor like a sack of rotten potatoes.

"… I'm doomed."

[SYSTEM MESSAGE: Congratulations! You have acquired a new title: "Despair Incarnate."]

The owner scratched his belly. "Yeah, it's not easy. Those beasts only come out at night. And you? You can't even lift a wooden sword properly."

Coll Apsi twitched on the floor, staring at the ceiling with the deadest expression in human history.

"…Sir, just let me die in peace."