Chapter 3: No Sense

Saturday morning. The world outside the window still seemed sluggish, although the sun was creeping through the curtains, illuminating my small bedside lamp. I felt strange after last night, as if I were still suspended somewhere between sleep and waking. The rope, of course, had disappeared.

- Maja, breakfast! - called out mom from the kitchen.

I rolled out of bed and crawled into the kitchen. Mom was dressed as usual in her daily tracksuit, with a mug of coffee in hand and her phone leaning against the fruit bowl. A bowl of granola with apples and cinnamon was waiting on the table.

- Good morning," I muttered, sitting down in a chair.

- Good morning, darling. How did you sleep? - She asked, glancing at me from above the phone.

- Well," I lied. I preferred not to tell her about the shadow or what had happened. She would still think I was crazy.

- Do you remember that Dad is supposed to come for you today? - she said, sitting down across from me.

I rolled my eyes before I could stop myself.

- Yes, I remember," I replied with a hint of reluctance.

Mom furrowed her brow, putting the phone down.

- Maja, I know it's difficult between you and Dad, but....

- Difficult? - I interrupted her sharply. - It's not even difficult. It's... pointless. He treats me like some kind of duty, mom. As if he has to bounce me because it's the right thing to do.

Mom sighed and lowered her gaze.

- You know he loves you, right?

I laughed briefly, bitterly.

- Sure. That's why he always says he "doesn't have time" or "something fell out." But for his new wife and their brat he somehow has time, right?

I felt a lump growing in my throat. I didn't want to cry, not in front of my mother. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction, even if he wasn't here now.

Mom put her hand on my hand, but I pushed it away.

- I'm sorry," she said quietly. - I know this is hard for you. But he's trying, he really is.

- No, mom. He's not trying. He's just pretending.

I ate the rest of the granola in silence, ignoring her sad look. In my head I could already see myself sitting in my father's car, with his forced smile and fake questions about school.

When I finished eating, I got up and started washing my plate.

- Maja, please... - mom started, but I interrupted her.

- Don't worry, I can handle it," I said, turning my back on her. - As always.

After a while, I heard her sigh and return to her phone. She said nothing more, and I went back to my room, waiting a few hours for the inevitable.

I stood at the window, watching my father's black suv pull into the parking lot below the block. He didn't even get out of the car. Of course. He stood there, leaning against the door, looking through something on his phone. He looked as if he was more interested in the news than in seeing his own daughter in a moment.

Mom looked at me with a slight smile, trying to give encouragement.

- Well, go ahead, darling. I... try to give it a chance, okay?

I did not respond. I took my purse and left the apartment. In the stairwell, I felt anger rising in me. Why can he never come in? As if we were strangers, as if entering my world was something uncomfortable.

When I came out of the block, he saw me and waved his hand as if hailing a cab.

- Hi, daughter," he chuckled as I approached.

- Hi," I replied without emotion, looking at him coolly.

I got into the car, and he closed the door without even asking if I was okay. Instead, he went straight to the point.

- We are going to the cinema today," he said in a tone as if it was a big attraction. - Your brother wanted to see this new fairy tale, so I thought I'd grab you on this occasion.

"By the way," the word sounded like a knife stabbed in the back. I couldn't hold back an ironic smile.

- Super. How nice of you," I chuckled, looking out the window.

He didn't respond, maybe he didn't even notice my sarcasm. He started the engine and took off, without even trying to strike up a conversation. There was silence in the car, broken only by the sound of the turn signal and the hum of the radio, which was set to some boring station with classical music.

He tried to pretend that everything was normal. But it wasn't normal. It was like a transaction - "claim her, tick off the weekend, give her back to her mother." As if being with me was a duty for him, not a privilege.

I finally dared to speak up.

- How is your new family? - I asked, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.

He twitched slightly, but quickly regained his composure.

- Bottom line. Your brother is waiting for us at home, happy to see you.

"Your brother." As if it was something that should make me happy. As if this shithead was my problem.

- Cool," I muttered, looking away.

He did not try to continue the conversation. Maybe it was for the best. I felt that if he said anything else, I would explode. I looked out the window at the passing buildings and people, wondering why I always have to feel like I'm a burden to him. As if he would rather I wasn't there.

- You know, daughter," my father finally spoke up, breaking the silence that had lasted for a good five minutes. His tone was cool, almost official, as if he were reading me the school regulations. - Fifth grade is already a serious matter. There's nothing to joke about, because later it will all accumulate, and you'll fall behind.

I didn't answer, looking out the window at the passing trees. I knew he wasn't asking if I agreed, he was just saying to say.

- The grades are important now. If you fail them now, you'll have a hard time catching up later.

I sighed quietly as I felt what was about to happen. I already knew it.

- You need to focus, because life is not a game," he continued. - School is your duty, not some stupid things that kids are doing nowadays. What's it called? TikToki?

I snorted under my breath, but not loud enough for him to hear. "Silly things." As if he didn't know what children live by. As if, in his eyes, anything that wasn't science was worthless.

- Mom said you had some problems with your colleagues? - He asked suddenly, looking at me out of the corner of his eye.

- No," I lied, shrugging my shoulders.

- Maja, don't hustle. If something is wrong, you have to deal with it. In my time it was simple - if someone teased you, all you had to do was let your parents know.

I clenched my fists, feeling anger rising inside me.

- It's not your time," I snapped out before I could stop myself.

He looked at me surprised, but quickly regained his indifferent expression.

- Maybe not," he said slowly, as if weighing every word. - But the rules are the same. If you don't react now, everyone will ride you later.

- Sure," I muttered, pretending to listen to him.

I was sure he thought he had motivated me. That he had just taught me some life lesson. But all I felt was a growing weariness with this conversation. As always. I was like a customer in a store to him - he would say what was appropriate to say, and then turn on his heel and walk on.

- If they tease you, you have to tell me," spoke up his father in a tone that was probably meant to sound caring, but it came out more of a command. - I'll take care of it. I'll talk to the headmistress, the teachers. They have to take care of it.

- I will not cable," I replied, looking stubbornly out the window. - I will not be sixty.

I heard him let out a breath of air in displeasure.

- Maja, what kind of language is that? - He asked with clear disapproval, as if my words offended him personally. - Sixty? Is that how you think about helping yourself?

- I just don't want to," I said quietly but firmly.

- Aha. So you prefer them to oppress you, yes? - he replied sharply. - You'd rather keep quiet because you're afraid of what those kids, who probably don't even know what legal responsibility is, will think?

- You don't know what it's like! - I exploded before I could stop myself.

He looked at me with a mixture of surprise and.... disappointment?

- Maya, I am your father," he said slowly, and his voice became strangely cold. - I'm trying to help you, and you.... this is how you answer me?

I didn't know what to say. I felt tears coming to my eyes, but I tried to hold them back.

- I'm the adult," he continued, as if it were some kind of bargaining chip. - And I know how the world works. If someone hurts you, you are supposed to report it. Did you understand? It's not about some stupid "cable", it's about keeping you safe.

I nodded quickly without looking at him.

- I hope this was the last time I hear such words from you," he added with emphasis.

I felt like I had been reprimanded at school. I still couldn't shake the feeling that he was more concerned about how he looked as a father than how I felt.

An awkward silence followed this conversation. My father switched stations on the radio, which immediately started playing some old hit, and I tried to sink into the seat so as not to have to look at him. For a moment I hoped he wouldn't say anything more, but of course I was counted out.

- You know it's all for your benefit? - he chuckled suddenly, as if he wanted to close the subject.

I did not respond.

- Maja, I ask you," he pressed.

- I know," I muttered, but I didn't think so at all.

We arrived at the site. My father parked in front of the apartment building where he lived with this "new family" of his. I called them that in my head, because I couldn't call them anything else. His wife, Magda, was indifferent to me, and her son - that "little brother" my father kept talking about - was probably even worse than the kids at my school.

- Come on, let's go," threw his father, getting out of the car.

I followed him slowly. Magda opened the door before we had time to ring the bell. She smiled broadly, but that smile never got to me. It was artificial, like that of dolls in store displays.

- Oh, Maja! How nice to see you! - she said with exaggerated enthusiasm.

- Hi," I muttered under my breath.

When I went inside, little Marcel was already running around the living room, holding some kind of plastic gun that made annoying sounds.

- Maja, check it out! I have a new rifle! - he shouted, running up to me.

- Cool," I said without conviction.

- Well, go play with your brother," said the father in a tone that did not bear opposition.

Brother. As if I ever thought of him that way.

- I don't want to play," I said quickly. - I'm tired, can I just sit?

My father looked at me with displeasure, but said nothing.

I sat on the couch, watching Marcel run around pretending to be some kind of superhero. Magda was cooking something in the kitchen, and my father busied himself browsing through his phone. I felt like a guest here that no one really wants.

After a while, Magda brought a plate of cookies.

- Maja, why don't you eat something? - She asked with a smile.

- No thanks," I replied.

I took a book from my purse and pretended to read, although the letters blurred before my eyes. In my mind I was already somewhere else. I wanted to go home, to my mother, to my room. Everything here seemed so.... foreign.

Suddenly I heard my father say:

- Maja, and exactly how are your grades?

I clenched my teeth. I knew he would start again about how important it was for me to get good grades, as if I were a project that needed to be perfected.

- All right," I replied evasively.

- In order is not enough," he said. - Fifth grade, as I mentioned, is already studying seriously. You have to concentrate.

I looked at him in disbelief. Did he really think it was all that simple? As if grades were the only thing a child my age cared about.

- I focus," I said just to close the conversation.

But he, of course, had to have the last word.

- I hope so, because if there are problems, we'll talk again," he chuckled dryly.

I closed the book and looked out the window. It was beginning to get dark outside. A shadow appeared in my mind again, the same one I had seen at night. I felt a shiver go through me.

My father, still with his nose in his phone, started saying something about high school. I was sure he didn't even notice that I had barely started fifth grade.

- Maja, we need to start thinking about your future now," he threw in suddenly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

- What future? - I asked, not hiding my surprise.

- About high school. If you want to get into a good high school, you need to start applying now. - Do you know how important languages are? Mathematics? - He asked rhetorically. - You need to focus on subjects that will develop you, not on some nonsense. Without that, you won't achieve anything.

- But I am only eleven years old.... - I said quietly, but my father didn't seem to hear it.

- It doesn't matter. You should already have a plan for your life. What do you want to do? College? A career?

I sat looking at him as if he had just said something completely absurd. Who in fifth grade plans a career?

- I don't know yet," I muttered.

- This is not the answer," he replied firmly. - You are supposed to start thinking. Life is not a game. You have to know. Without a plan, it's going to end up just the way it is. And I don't want you to waste our time.

"Not fun," I thought bitterly. Not for him, because it seemed that the only thing he was interested in was controlling everything and everyone.

For a moment I felt like shouting that it was my life, not his. But I knew that wouldn't help.

Before he could say anything else, I felt a slight breeze. When I lifted my gaze, I noticed Lina. She was standing in the corner of the room, leaning against the wall, with that gentle smile of hers.

- XD, What a type. A moron normally. - She said quietly, shaking her head.

I couldn't help myself and burst into laughter. My father looked at me puzzled.

- What are you so amused by? - he asked sternly.

- Nothing, nothing," I quickly replied, covering my mouth with my hand.

Lina came closer and sat on the floor next to me, as if she had always been here. No one else could see her, but I felt her presence so clearly, as if she were the truest person in the room.

- Don't worry about him," whispered Lina. - He will always talk his own talk.

I looked at her with gratitude. She was my springboard from it all, my refuge.

Father stood up and looked at his watch.

- Okay, let's get together for the movie," he chuckled, leaving the living room.

When he disappeared behind the bedroom door, I turned to Lina.

- Thanks for being," I said quietly.

- I always am," she replied with a smile. - Now tell me what you want to do to get out of it.

I didn't have an answer to her question, but for a moment I felt that maybe I wasn't quite alone in all this.