015 on the road, on my way

He gave a bitter smile.

"When we just got divorced, I actually held some resentment towards you."

"I thought, how difficult could it be to take care of Gu Nian? Why couldn't you just accept her?"

After saying this, he laughed to himself and shook his head.

It seemed like he was lost in thought, or perhaps reminiscing, as he closed his eyes.

"She really was hard to take care of. Why didn't I ever realize that?"

"Why...?"

"Why did I look at you working so hard every day and think it was just natural?"

I wasn't moved.

Nor did I feel any sense of vindication.

I simply peeled an apple and took a bite.

It was sweet and sour, quite delicious.

"Did you purposely make yourself sick?" I asked.

Qin Zhi'an's body was still relatively strong, so no matter what, he shouldn't be falling sick every three days, with a small illness, or every five days, with a bigger one.

He opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Yes," he replied softly.

His eyes turned red.

"Sorry, being with me made you suffer too much."

I finished the apple, grateful I still had a tooth to chew with.

I pulled out a wet tissue, wiped my mouth, and my hands.

I asked him, "What about Gu Nian?"

He had spent all this time talking about her faults, about his regrets.

But what about Gu Nian?

He paused for a moment.

"She's... I sent her to a nursing home."

I suddenly scoffed.

"You see, you never change."

"You'll never take responsibility for anything. You've wronged me before, now you've wronged Gu Nian."

"You've always loved only yourself. Stop pretending, you're about to believe your own act."

I threw the tissue into the trash.

"Qin Zhi'an."

"Take care of yourself."

I never saw him again.

He didn't die from that illness.

When the winter holiday came, Jingjing told me that Grandpa had rented a house and brought Grandma Gu back.

"Grandma Gu doesn't remember Grandpa anymore."

The first love, the shining moon, faded under the shadow of illness.

Now, Gu Nian couldn't remember anything.

She only remembered her mother.

But she couldn't go out to find her mother.

In the late stages of Alzheimer's disease, she became physically impaired, losing the ability to speak.

Jingjing said she visited Grandpa once.

The house was very quiet, very messy.

"Grandpa was very thin, and he didn't say anything, just sat by the window staring outside."

"Sometimes he would cough, a terrible cough. Dad wanted him to go to the hospital, but he didn't want to go."

Jingjing had grown a year older, and she understood much more now.

But there were still things she didn't understand.

She looked up at me.

"Grandma, why did Grandpa say he was so sad to be alive?"

I gently patted Jingjing's head.

"Because he wanted everything, but in the end, he got nothing. That's why he's in pain."

"Jingjing, you can't be too greedy in life."

Jingjing nodded.

After she left, I was tidying the room when I found a bank card and a note under her pillow.

"Mom, the password is your birthday."

I held onto the card, but after a long time, I put it away.

Forget it.

The past is the past.

At seventy, I went on a tour to Daocheng Yading.

At seventy-one, I had a boyfriend ten years younger than me in Italy, and after six months, we broke up.

At seventy-two, I tried out a helicopter ride. It was interesting, but no matter how much I begged the instructor, he wouldn't let me take control.

At seventy-three, Qin Zhi'an passed away.

Three days after his death, Qin Yue discovered it.

By then, Gu Nian was already gone.

I don't know if it was before or after Qin Zhi'an.

But none of that mattered to me.

I didn't attend his funeral. I was busy climbing Mount Tai.

At seventy-four, I saw a blogger around my age who had also gone through a divorce buy a motorhome.

I decided to buy one too.

On the day I set off, the weather was beautiful.

Qin Yue asked where I was going.

I didn't know.

But, anyway...

I was on the road.