Forced Myself to See

Today felt like a blessing

not because it brought joy,

but because it brought clarity

through pain.

A painful reminder

that sometimes,

the worst betrayal comes

not from others,

but from ourselves.

I was greeted by the ignorance

of my own reality

and the sharp ache

of my own foolishness.

I thought honesty begot honesty.

That if I bared my soul,

you'd meet me halfway.

That if I spoke my truth,

you'd at least honor it

with your own.

I thought being transparent

was enough.

That being brave with my heart

would somehow teach you

how to hold it gently.

But the truth I thought I saw

was just an illusion.

One I painted in hope's color,

then framed in denial.

The "truth" was never real.

It was just what I wanted to believe.

A lie I held onto

because it felt better

than being alone

with reality.

But when the fog of my ignorance lifted,

when illusion crumbled,

I wasn't left with truth.

I was left empty.

Foolish.

Exposed.

And bruised from loving blindly.

I overdid it.

Again.

I over-expected,

overextended,

overreached for crumbs

and called them love.

And I under expected the truth.

Because I didn't want to see it.

Because maybe I thought

if I didn't name the pain,

it wouldn't exist.

But it did.

And it does.

And it aches in places

words still cannot reach.

My emotions betrayed me,

my heart misled me,

and now I sit here wondering

Where is the love I believed in?

Why does it feel like it was never meant for me?

Why does it always pass me by

as if I am invisible,

as if I'm not enough to be chosen?

Was I wrong to believe in love at all?

Maybe.

But even now,

even after everything,

a small voice still whispers:

"You weren't wrong to believe in it.

You were just wrong about who would give it to you."

And maybe one day,

the love I gave

so recklessly,

so freely,

will return to me.

Not in the arms of another,

but in the healing of myself.