I have a dinner to attend.

JUNE'S POV

He saw me.On the balcony

He saw me crying on my balcony..

No big deal right?

Tear stained face and a sniffling mess.

I still couldn't believe that happened,it's almost noon now and i can't stop thinking about our little encounter.

He looked extremely concerned as he asked if i was okay sure i was embarrassed for him to see me like that, i hadn't intended to start my morning bawling my eyes out on the balcony of my new home.

But i guess that's just how it was sometimes, when i think too much, i got sad and i couldn't control myself and i also wasn't aware of the six foot something giant watching me from below.

Something about the compassion in his eyes, hearing the concern in his smooth deep voice made me feel a lot better for some reason.

Which is exactly why i didn't give room for talk and immediately went inside leaving him standing there because why again should the voice of a stranger do that to me.

Why should it make me feel better..i do not understand and i don't think i want to.

The way he looked at me brought even more tears to my eyes.

It was like he could see me,all of me.

 My mom had gone out for another interview and i was home alone, again.

She told me this morning before she left that Will's mom would be having a welcome dinner for us at their house by 8..so that should be fun.

It's late morning now almost noon,rays of sunlight are streaming through the windows breeze lifting the sheer curtains, and i still for some reason couldn't stop thinking about how he looked at me It was like he wished he could do more, as if it physically hurt him not to be able to do anything.

Well...enough about that I'm just reading into it too much, he was just concerned, trying too be a good person, a good neighbor and make sure that I'm not gonna jump off the balcony.

He probably thinks I'm insane now,first i creep on he and his family now I'm crying alone on my balcony about my sad sad life, way to go june.

Anyways after that happened, i spent the rest of my morning in my pjs feeling sorry for my self on this chunky white couch that's insanely comfy,stuffing my face with snacks from the fridge while re-watching the first and second season of the summer i turned pretty.

I feel lazy,disgusting and extremely unproductive

I just feel like i could be doing something right now, like i should be doing something better than this...

I have always been a huge movies girl and this tv just made it ten times worse, it just made a monster that i hope i can tame.

I can't be doing this I'm an adult, i cant just be slobbering around like a spoilt rich kid with trust fund money somewhere.

School is starting in November(it's march) i have less than nine months to save up some money to help out i know she has some money saved from selling the car but even that isn't enough and i can't even count on my father i barely know where he is.

I need to step up and be a good daughter because the woman just went through a divorce and is currently on the hunt for a new job and i am here binging my brains away, i feel like a crap daughter, maybe that is exactly what i am. 

I need something that can bring me money, maybe i can start like a small online business,or i could just get a job and save up until November, i don't know i just need to do something.

I clear out the mess i made from my little series marathon 

I need a plan, a real plan 

I need to get a job, i have had jobs before in the past cheap, low income self deprecating jobs i did as a teenager to support my parents and buy basic things for myself i was a sales girl once then a cashier, then a store attendant i even worked at a freaking pet shop.

I have tons of experience in that aspect okay, but I'm just tired of doing those type of jobs, it often always ends the same anyways i do them for a while then i get fired for making a stupid mistake, its either i forgot to do this, or i didnt put that in the correct place, or i didnt do something right its always one thing or the other.

I'm tired of slaving away doing things i barely have any intrest in doing and still not getting paid enough for the stress, I'm tired of putting meaningless efforts doing things i could careless about.

I go upstairs to my room because i don't know where else to go, I'm about to fall on my bed and try to come up with a plan when i see the stack of canvases piled on top of each other in the corner by my dresser, i feel a wave of nostalgia hit me square in the chest,the edges of the first painting i made on canvas peaking out.

 She got it for me for my tenth birthday,my mom she had been seeing my sketches i didn't even know she was paying attention i didn't know she saw them, because anytime I'd try to show her them when she'd get back from work she was so tired and never seemed to care much about them.

Then on the morning of my tenth birthday i was sleeping, i heard the door to my room crack open i was still full of sleep when i looked up and there she was standing by my doorway with a twenty by twenty four inches canvas in one hand an easel in the other it looked like she was trying to be discreet with the way her shoulders dropped i could tell it was supposed to be a surprise but i ruined it 

I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes peeling my comforter off my body because i couldn't believe my eyes were seeing correct, i thought i was still dreaming, i blinked a lot trying to understand what was going on because i had literally just woken up a mere ten seconds ago

She watched me smiling, probably expecting a reaction but i didn't know what to do i couldn't do anything. I was stuck. I couldn't believe what i was seeing. She had gotten me a canvas, a real one and a freaking easel, for me,there was no way this was real .

She smiled and walked to where i was standing, she rested the canvas and an easel on my bed.

"Happy birthday June bug" she pulled my small frame into a hug her smile was so bright it caused a tear maybe even two to well up in my eyes.

I melted in her arms, breathing her in letting the smell of vanilla and coconut wrap me, i remember crying happy tears,I couldn't help it.

I pulled it out sitting criss cross on the floor in front of the stack of canvases examining it, it was a painting of the beach in the night the moon making the water glisten in its light , off shore there was a little girl (the girl was me)standing on the shore pointing at the moon in the sky.

 She was wearing the same exact thing i had on while i was painting it which was a pair of red shorts with little pink bows all over and a baby pink t shirt i loved that shirt.

 I close my eyes breathing in the smell of dried up paint picturing that moment ;ten year old me paint brush in hand i was so excited, so happy.

I ran my hands over it ,it was my first time painting on an actual canvas using actual paint i remember being nervous not knowing what to paint, i saw the picture of a beach at night in some random magazine i found in my mom and dad's room.

As i held the painting in my hands the smell of dried paint in the air, i hadn't painted in over year.

I used to put my art online, i sold a couple but a couple wasnt really enough so i stopped posting, stopped painting all together and focused on something more…real more secure

At least i knew i was sure to receive at the end of every month that was steady.

I want to paint so bad i want more than anything to sit in front of a canvas a brush in my hand letting my thoughts bleed onto it.

 I do but i can't,not right now anyways.

I need to be realistic, think with my physical brain not my mind like my dad used to say, quit being so soft june.

I can feel the tears pinch at eyes, my throat feels tight and i feel like i might cry again, but i don't want to...i really don't want to.

I wipe my eyes with the sleeves of my shirt as i get up, throwing myself on the bed.

I need to get my head out of the clouds and come back down to earth, to my real reality to my now.

All that doesnt matter right now, its not exactly practical for me to start chasing dreams I'm not even sure i can catch when my mom is jumping from job interview to job interview hoping the next one would be her last, i can't do that to her i can't that'd be heartless cruel.

I can't be selfish not now when she needs me

I see her, sometimes when she thinks I'm asleep, when i go to pee and the door to her room is slightly ajar or when the lights are off and she is sitting at the island her eyes glossy, a red tint in them, her lips a thin line, the lines on the side of her mouth now more evident than during the day when she's faking a smile, she is cracking, breaking, i shouldnt wait till she shatters before i do something before i be a daughter.

She cries for him she misses him she blames herself for him leaving her i know she does i can see it in her smile, in her heavy eyes, in the way she goes quite sometimes or when she stares into space mid conversation.

And i hate him so much for that, i hate that even though he isn't here he can still make her feel this way,i hate that even without hearing his voice it's obvious his words are still ringing in her head, i hate that he can still somewhat control her even when he is God knows where.

I can't put my wants above her…our needs 

That'd be dumb,Stupid, selfish 

Then I'd be just as bad if not worse than him.

I roll over staring at the blank white celling like it has all the answers to my questions.

At some point i stopped staring and i dozed off 

When i woke up it was already evening 

I have a dinner to attend.