Chapter 8: Clumsy Kisses and Elven Gossip

Gabriel kept his eyes open, fixed on Seraphine's face, inches away. She still held him by the waist, her body pressed against his in the floating dance. But now there was something different in her ruby gaze. An even greater intensity, a spark of… pleasure? Or was it just the Blood Moon playing with the shadows on the vampire's face?

Seraphine drew back slightly, just enough to look into Gabriel's eyes with a predatory and… strangely satisfied smile. Moistened lips, fangs slightly bared, her pale face slightly flushed with a scarlet shadow.

"Human…" Seraphine whispered, her voice now even deeper and more seductive, almost a feline purr. "… you have a… peculiar taste." She ran her thin, pale tongue over her lips in a slow, provocative gesture.

"An interesting mixture of… garlic" — she wrinkled her delicate nose with an air of slight revulsion — "… and… fear." She concluded, with an amused glint in her ruby eyes. "But…" she approached again, her icy breath caressing Gabriel's face — "… it's not unpleasant. Not at all." She whispered, a few millimeters from Gabriel's trembling lips. "You fool, did you think eating garlic would keep me away? Next time, eat chocolate!"

Gabriel's world blurred for an instant. There was no searing pain, as he secretly expected (and feared). It was more like… a cold pressure, followed by a strange wave of heat that radiated from the point of contact on his neck and spread through the rest of his body. A sensation both unpleasant and… inexplicably intriguing.

"Not unpleasant'? What does she mean, that I'm tasty?" Gabriel's internal monologue was now running at full speed, trying to process the absurdity of the situation and, above all, the imminent danger of having Seraphine's lips inches from his.

And then it happened. Or almost happened.

Seraphine tilted her head slightly to the side, in a strangely awkward and… uncoordinated gesture. And, with sudden and inexperienced determination, she lunged toward Gabriel's lips.

"Oh, my God, she's going to kiss me! She's really going to kiss me! Like, actually kiss me, with mouth and everything?! But… how do you even kiss? Should I close my eyes? Tilt my head to the side too? Open my mouth or keep it closed? And hands, where do I put my hands at a time like this, my God?! Do vampires kiss with tongue? And the sharp fangs, don't they get in the way?" — "Don't eat my tongue," Gabriel lets the sentence escape.

In the chaos of his short-circuiting mind, Gabriel instinctively did the only thing his panicked nerd brain could process: he went completely stiff and paralyzed, like a statue of salt. He squeezed his eyes shut, pressed his lips into a thin line, and… waited for the impact.

And the impact came. But it wasn't the impact of lips meeting lips in a passionate kiss under the Blood Moon (as Seraphine perhaps imagined in her vampiric mind distorted by mortal romantic clichés). No. The impact was more… bony. And slightly painful.

In a clumsy encounter of incompatible facial angles, Seraphine's delicate nose collided head-on with Gabriel's slightly prominent nose. A dry, disappointing "Poc!" echoed in the magical silence of the Courtyard of Shadows. There were no sparks, no sighs, no supernatural celestial music. Just the muffled sound of two noses colliding uncomfortably and anti-climactically.

Seraphine recoiled instantly, her ruby eyes now wide in a mixture of surprise, irritation, and tearing eyes. "My nose, it hurts!" Seraphine groaned, massaging her delicate nose with an expression of exaggerated suffering.

Gabriel's nose begins to bleed, a bright red and slightly ridiculous line running down his face. He covers it with his fingers and speaks nasally, "Is that a kiss? Nhanhanhanhã… I always thought you used your tongue! Nhanhanhanhã… If it's a vampire custom, nhanhanhanhã… I'd rather avoid it."

"Human!" Seraphine exclaimed, in a tone between indignant and offended. "What was that?!" She pointed to her own nose (and indirectly to Gabriel's) with an air of profound censure. "Are you by any chance trying to sabotage our…" she hesitated for an instant, as if the word burned her tongue — "… moment?!"

Seraphine releases Gabriel and plummets to the ground with a thud, like a sack of lame horse manure, Ploft… "How vulgar! This Courtyard is in urgent need of renovation to prevent such unpleasant accidents!" Seraphine thought with an offended air, before gracefully gliding the last few inches and landing softly on the ground, though visibly irritated at having been forced to land on such an inferior plane. Gabriel, fallen on his butt in the grass, she slaps him on the head, ploc…

"Ow!! Ow, why did you do that!" says Gabriel, massaging the top of his head with a grimace of pain and indignation.

"To teach you not to be a human, idiot." Seraphine replied, raising her head snobbishly and starting to walk away with an offended air, not before, in an unfortunate slip, tripping over a prominent root and falling again, this time on top of Gabriel, in a tangle of limbs, black dresses, and palpable comic embarrassment.

"Oh, no… not again… Will she think the fall is my fault too? Like, 'clumsy human radiates waves of negative gravity that make me trip and fall in an unaristocratic way'? Great, that's all I needed: to become a 'supernatural public danger' on top of a 'human snack of dubious quality'." Gabriel groaned softly under the weight (light, but unexpectedly present) of Seraphine's body on top of his.

Seraphine lay momentarily stretched out over Gabriel, her face inches from his, her ruby eyes fixed on his brown ones, in a mixture of irritation and… she blushes again, her face, flushed like fresh blood under the Blood Moon, embarrassed, she looks away.

In that compromising position, with Gabriel completely immobilized beneath her, the arrogant "Lady Noctaria" seemed slightly… disconcerted.

"You…" Seraphine began, her voice a deep, slightly hoarse whisper, her icy breath tickling Gabriel's face. "… are incredibly…" Another dramatic pause, a slightly confused frown. "… clumsy, human." She concluded, finally, the word seeming to come out with a bitter and slightly fascinated taste from her thin lips. "— And she frowned again, more deeply still, as if she were trying to solve an extremely complex vampiric mathematical enigma.

"You're very strange, Seraphine," says Gabriel!

"And you're a fool, and… a human… very…" Says Seraphine, as she stares at Gabriel and runs her hand over his rough, human calluses and his smooth, vulnerable lips, coming within inches of his lip. 'Oh, my God, here comes the nose-butt again! Should I try to dodge my nose to the side like in romantic movies next time, or will that be considered an 'act of mortal rebellion punishable by educational bite'?' Gabriel thought, in silent panic.

In that moment of uncomfortable tension and clumsy vampire-human proximity, the magical silence of the Courtyard of Shadows was broken by the sound of slow footsteps and muffled voices approaching.

A couple of elven students entered the clearing under the Blood Moon. He, a skinny elf with an air of pedantic intellectual, thin-rimmed glasses, and an expression of arrogant superiority. She, a nearsighted and snobbish elf, upturned nose, long, straight hair slightly concealing curious and malicious eyes.

The elves stopped when they saw Seraphine and Gabriel fallen on the ground, in a tangle of limbs and dark robes. They looked at the scene discreetly, but not that discreetly, exchanging meaningful glances and mischievous smiles. The skinny elf raised a thin eyebrow, adjusting his glasses on the tip of his nose with an air of shocked intellectual.

"Ora, ora, look what we have here…" Commented the skinny elf, his voice a smug and slightly effeminate whisper. "It seems that Lady Noctaria has finally found a more… earthly… pastime in the Courtyard of Shadows."

The nearsighted elf stifled a giggle behind her hand, her eyes shining with malicious amusement. "A 'night encounter' on the lawn? How… romantic, don't you think, Felisberto?" The elf ironized, with a melodious and acidic tone of voice. "Could it be that we'll finally have a Noctaria heir with… mixed… blood…?" She concluded, with a venomous smile.

"How vulgar, doing carnal acts on the grass, Uwahahahaha, could she have been playing 'Fish, ball, cat' on him?"

"Noctaria heir? Mixed blood? These elves are faster at gossiping than my grandmother in the family WhatsApp group! And 'earthly pastime'? 'Romantic encounter'? Someone explain to them that we just bumped noses in a disastrous way and that the only thing romantic here is my stress level and my desire to disappear from this place forever?" Gabriel felt his face flush with shame and irritation, but he remained silent, trying to become as invisible as possible under Seraphine's body (still present, unfortunately).

Seraphine, upon hearing the elves' comments, seemed to freeze for an instant. The blush on her face intensified to an almost vibrant red. The expression of disconcertion, gave way to a furious look. Lady Noctaria was not used to being caught in compromising situations, much less being the target of elven mockery. And that, for her, was simply… unacceptable.

In an abrupt and almost violent movement, Seraphine pushed Gabriel aside (once again the poor human landing ungracefully on the wet grass) and stood up with frightening speed. With her eyes flashing ruby sparks at the impertinent elves, Seraphine frantically searched for something around her. Her gaze fell on a piece of wood lying on the ground, a dry, skeletal branch that looked as angry as she was. In an irrational and hilarious impulse, Seraphine grabbed the piece of wood, put it in her mouth, and began to bite it with canine fury, her sharp teeth shattering the dry wood into splinters and her face contorted in a ferocious and outraged expression.

"You… insolent worms!" Seraphine hissed with the wood clenched between her teeth, her voice muffled and threatening like a rabid dog. "How dare you disturb Lady Noctaria in her… private retreat?!" She growled, taking another violent bite of the wood. "Go away! Get out of my sight before I decide to use your elven limbs as… kindling for the bonfire of my wrath!" She concluded, with a muffled roar and a murderous look directed at the petrified elves.

Without waiting for an answer, Seraphine dropped the piece of wood (which fell to the ground with a comical "Ploft!", just like she had minutes before), turned her back on the elves, and, with offended dignity and impressive vampire speed, began to run out of the Courtyard of Shadows, muttering vampiric swear words and supernatural threats with each elegant and furious step.