a fragile existence

" Life is strange… We fear death, yet we despise the chaos of living, endlessly yearning for the peace that only death can bring "

I don't know when it started—this strange detachment from life, from the pleasures it once offered. The thrill of teenage love, the laughter shared with friends—none of it excites me anymore. Maybe it's because I'm a coward, unable to stop thinking about the afterlife, trapped in an endless fear of death.

But sometimes, I also wonder what is going to happen after my death.

Will there be a heaven and hell to judge my sins, or will I simply dissolve into nothingness, as if I never existed?

I feel nothing but pity for myself—so powerless that I can't even control my own fate.

I suppose it all began when I was a child.Like a blooming flower, I radiated joy and hope. Life was simple. I had nothing to worry about because, in my innocence, I believed humans were immortal But then, I was introduced to religion and beliefs. That was also when I first heard about the afterlife and death.

I remember crying for hours the day I realized that one day, I would lose my parents, my family, and everyone I hold dear . That single thought shattered my perception of life. Suddenly, everything felt fake, dull, and .....

"Lian! It's time for school! Hurry up!"

A voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

Yeah, I should get moving. Can't be late for today's exam.

On my way to school, I observed the people around me. Their faces told stories. Some looked anxious—probably worried about work or personal struggles. Some looked sad, weighed down by invisible burdens. But the children… the children were different. Their faces glowed with laughter and excitement.

I sighed.

"As kids, we had a golden time, yet we were so eager to grow up, longing for freedom. But when we finally gained it, all we did was regret. I guess that's just human nature—never satisfied with what we have, always craving what someone else does."

Before I Knew It, I Had Reached School

My friends—Seth, Sara, and Miquel—greeted me with love, their voices filled with excitement about the upcoming sports festival. Their energy was infectious, pulling me in before I could even think about refusing. They wanted our class to win this year, and they were determined to make it happen.

"I guess we all can easily pull this off if we work together," Miquel grinned, nudging Seth.

"I mean, last year's winners weren't even that creative," Sara added, crossing her arms. "We just need a stronger theme, something that blows everyone away."

I nodded along, though, in truth, I didn't really care about the competition. But something about their excitement made it impossible to say no.

"What could go wrong?" I thought.

It was just decorations. A harmless event. A chance to have fun with my friends.

There was still a month before the competition, so we agreed to meet up a week later to discuss themes—and just spend time together.

Time passed quickly, and before I knew it, the day of our meet-up arrived.

The weather that day was perfect. The golden sunlight warmed my skin, and the breeze carried with it the scent of freshly bloomed flowers. If I could, I would've stood there forever, feeling the wind brush against me—gentle, comforting, almost like a mother's touch.

When we gathered, we immediately started throwing around ideas for the decorations, bouncing between themes, colors, and materials. It was lighthearted—until Seth spoke up.

"Or," he said, leaning in with a mischievous smirk, "we could make sure no one else wins."

At first, I thought he meant we should work harder than everyone else. But as he continued, the true meaning of his words became clear.

Seth suggested sneaking into the school the night before the competition to destroy the other teams' work.

The room fell silent.

Even he knew it sounded ridiculous. But he kept talking.

"Think about it," he urged. "It won't be anything serious. Just a little fun, you know? We make a few small bombs—nothing dangerous—just enough to ruin their decorations before the event. No one will get hurt."

I hesitated.

Sara and Miquel exchanged nervous glances.

It felt wrong.

But then, Seth laughed. "C'mon, don't tell me you're scared."

And just like that, everything changed.

Teenage peer pressure is a powerful thing.

No one wanted to be called a coward. No one wanted to be the one who backed out first. And so, despite the unease sitting heavy in my chest, I nodded.

We all did.

The plan was simple. We'd create small, harmless bombs triggered by an electrical charge—just enough to make a mess, nothing more. The internet provided everything we needed, from materials to step-by-step instructions.

As we worked, I noticed Sara handling the chemicals carelessly. She laughed, brushing off my concern.

"Relax, it's not like we're making real bombs," she said.

I should've insisted.

I should've stopped her.

But I didn't.

After all, the materials weren't that dangerous… right?

---

The day of the competition arrived.

The plan was simple. We'd wait until classes started, set off the bombs, and then blend into the crowd. It was supposed to be funny.

We stood in another building, waiting. My heart was beating fast, but I pushed the feeling down. It was just a joke. It wasn't serious.

Then, the moment came.

Seth flipped the switch.

What happened next was beyond our worst nightmares.

A massive explosion tore through the school. Not just in one place—but everywhere. Every single classroom erupted in flames, the sound of shattering glass and collapsing walls echoing through the air.

People screamed.

They ran.

They cried for help.

Thick smoke rose into the sky as the fire spread, consuming everything in its path.

We stood frozen, watching in horror.

"This… this can't be happening," I whispered, my voice barely audible over the chaos.

Sara's legs gave out beneath her. She collapsed, unconscious.

Miquel clutched his head, his breath coming in ragged gasps.

Seth—who had been grinning just minutes ago—stood with wide, unblinking eyes.

I couldn't think. My body refused to move. My mind refused to accept what I was seeing.

And then, the sirens. Ambulances.

Firefighters.

Police.

We had seconds to decide.

Run.

That was the only thought in my mind.

We turned and sprinted, our legs moving before our brains could process the full weight of what we had done.

I didn't go home.

None of us did.

We ran to nowhere, stumbling through alleyways, dodging familiar streets as if avoiding recognition would undo our crime.

But it was too late.

The weight of our actions crushed me with every step. My lungs burned, my heart pounded so hard it felt like it would burst.

I kept thinking—how could my life be ruined in just a few hours?

How did things go so wrong?

And then, in a moment of absolute despair—

I jumped.

From the bridge.

From life itself.

And yet…

I was the same person who had once feared death more than anything.

---

Falling, But Not Gone

For a split second, time slowed.

The air around me felt heavy, like it was cradling me in my final moments. The world blurred as I plummeted, gravity pulling me toward the only peace I had ever truly desired but also towards the only thing I feared the most but then....