Self-Disgust

It's been a few days yet everything is the same. Everything and everyone repeats like a cycle. A fucking empty life. What the fuck is even the point of living a life like this. I think while laying in bed at night time. For some reason my mind is always infested with such thoughts when it's night. I guess faking a smile every moment of my life has its own problems. I keep thinking like this and sleep in the end.

At five in mourning I suddenly wake up. An hour before my alarm goes off. I feel a heavy pain in the chest as if my final moments are here. But I recognize this feeling, I recognize this pain. It's one of those attempts my body makes to let out some of my emotions. It hurts like hell. If feels like I could die at any given moment. It feels like my heart is exploding. My flood flow feels like it's above what it's supposed to be. It feels like all the blood in my chest is exploding like a bomb. I need to let this pain out, desperately. I.....I want to cry. I want to cry but I can't in the room since my roommate is here. I quickly rush to the bathroom with the excuse to take a bath at 5 in the morning.

While sitting below the turned on shower I silently scream to myself, " Whenn???!!! Whenn?!!! When will these fucking tears come out?!! Please I just want to feel human... Just let me cry.... Let.. Me..... Be human. Please!!! " I scream this all in my mind and not verbally just in case, so that I don't wake up my roommate. I can't let him see me in this state. I say all this while sitting on the floor below the running shower while being curled up like a ball and scratching and stabbing myself with my nails and hitting myself. So that I can at least get a tear out of my eye. Even if it's forced. It doesn't matter to me. I just want to be able to cry again. After 30 minutes of just sitting like that trying to force a tear to come out. I give up and start showering. While showering only one thought runs through my mind, "Why God? Why did you have to make me like this? Why can't I be better? Why can't I be more human? Why can't I be like the kid my parents want me to be? Why can't I be the boy that is loved back by the girl he loves? Why can't I be someone who is cared for? Why doesn't anyone care about how I feel? Why am I supposed to make everyone happy? What about my happiness? Please, just tell me. Why? " This thought runs through my head endlessly while showering. I came out of the shower with multiple wounds, scratches and a little bit of blood on my arms and legs. I change and just lie down on my bed.

Me in my head, " What's the point of all these injuries when they don't even last? My body will just heal everything. My self harm marks heal. My injuries heal. Nothing lasts. It makes me hate everything even more. And harm myself even more. People say that faster overall healing is a gift. But it's not a gift. It's a fucking curse. I didn't want to be so cold hearted. I didn't want to be unable to sympathize. I just wanted to be able to make my parents happy. But look at me. A fucking murder. Who won't even die. Useless bastard!! "

I don't know how long I have been in bed like this. It feels like it's been hours of self hatred in my mind. I .....wonder.... Has it really been hours or not.... What time is it?

I check the clock. Oh it's 7:30. Quite a lot of time has passed. I guess I can't keep relaxing like this. I need to do what my parents want me to. I need to do what they sent me to do. But..... Maybe for a little longer... Just a bit more... 8... That's the time I will go back to my normal and active self. Cuz I need to wake Shivansh at that time. Ok...let's just relax a but more.... And can you guys not look at me like this. I know you guys like to come at my emotional weak times but it's never gonna work.

After hours of overthinking the past which I don't like to do I had to get up. I can't just lie on my bed and relax. There's still 10 minutes left before the clock hits 8. Let's wash my face. Even thought there are no marks of tears. My acting needs tk be flawless. Let's just practice my smile in front of the mirror.

Shiva goes to the mirror to practice his smile while trying to avoid making as little noise as possible. He doesn't want to wake up his roommate.

Shiva: in his mind* Uhh such a disgusting face. Anyway, how was the smile again?.... Yeah I remember now. It was a bit like this. Using my eyes to create the perfect mark throughout this ugly and disgusting face of mine. And then smiling using my cheeks and then letting my teeth be a little loose. And then the final step using my lips to create just the perfect amount of smile. That's good enough. *

Now it's self motivation time!!

I need to be productive. If not for myself then for my parents. At least I don't feel the usual pain throughout my body for now. It's not like it's gonna make a difference but not feeling pain is so much better. Anyway I gotta go wake up that idiot of a topper.

Shiva heads to the second floor of his pg and enters a room without knocking and then turns on the lights without hesitation. But with a smile on his face. On the surface the smile seemed so natural and effortless. As if there was no one happier in the world. Yet it was like a burden for Shiva.

Shiva: Wake up, shivansh we planed to study together. Get ready I am gonna go get breakfast for both of us. You better be out of bed by then.

Shiva goes to the mess to get breakfast for both of them. He is a heavy eater due to his fast metabolism. So he takes two times the food in compared to a normal person. While the Shivansh is barely awake and brushing his teeth in the bathroom.

*Now we will see this story from Shivansh's point of view*

I wonder how does Shiva in wake up this early without any problem. And how is he so active no matter the time. And that smile of his. It's so perfect that it's kind of creepy. It's like the perfect smile yet the way it affects him. Without his usual smile and active behavior he looks like a guy who hasn't slept for days. But with his smile be is like the most happiest guy. Uhhhhhhhhh..... Thinking so hard like this in the morning is so annoying. Whatever I will just ask him tonight after we are done studying. I know he doesn't have the best life but I am kind of curious. What kind of life did he have? I always wonder cuz he seems like a idiot all the times yet when it matters he is even more mature then me. That's amazing considering I am older, smarter. It's not like he isn't smart. He doesn't have the memory but he has the brain and extreme hardwork to help him.

It doesn't matter. Today I will find out about his Trauma. No matter the cost.