Life is pain

I was not born to live. Thinking about it now makes less sense because the memories are cloudier, less defined. But I do know this: even though my life was far from good or perfect, it wasn't that bad either. My life was that of a common child born in a third-world country, with a father who was too strict—a man whose idea of showing affection was a belt to the behind for the most mundane offenses, like losing a sock or watching too much TV. No wonder my life turned out the way it did. 

What's funny is that I always thought I hated my father. I thought I wanted him to die. Oh, how wrong I was, because the moment the man died, my life descended further into a dumpster fire of despair. I was always different from everyone else—I always felt it. Maybe others saw it too, or maybe that was just in my head. I do that a lot, staying in my head. But my father's death seemed to open the floodgates to hell, which, in my case, was my mind. 

You see, I was always a bright kid, a curious kid. I asked the questions that made adults nervous. I'd observe the moon, the clouds, the sky, and the sun—yes, the sun. I didn't know it was bad for you at the time. I was fascinated by science—by science, I mean physics—so it was no wonder that by high school, I knew more about physics and chemistry than my teachers. 

I guess life had to balance the scales because, on top of being smart, I had to be sensitive. I had to be overly quiet. I had to not know how to talk to people or express myself. And I had to fight the overly busy brain of mine that sometimes tried to convince me to end it all. By the time I was 14, I had attempted suicide three times. 

Because here I am—a waste of oxygen, angry that my latest attempt at death ended only in discomfort and pain. My father would be so disappointed right now. But fuck him. He doesn't understand the pain. Oh, the pain. 

My death was nothing dramatic. I guess I was one of those people who go out with a whimper, not a bang. That's fine with me—I always preferred being invisible to being center stage.