I Can't Let Go

Kealith;

She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Even after all these years, she's still so perfect. I watch as she walks up to me - hands placed in front of her, and her steps slow and unsure. 

She's let her hair down as she likes it, and as the sunlight touches her hair, the orange, healthy strands glisten like her hair is made from strands of the sun itself. Her beautiful, bright, doe-shaped eyes are fixated on me, and there's so much awe in them. 

Almost similar to how she looked at me when we were younger. But now there's something else in her eyes… Something deeper. She is soon in front of me, and I tilt my head to stare at her.

I thought she was scared of me. She tried running away on the day she was told she would marry me, and then there was the incident in my garden where I could barely hide my annoyance from her. She has never come up to me on her own in the past two days. So, why now?

I watch in wonder as she takes her hand up to my face, but she stops. Her hand hovering so close to my skin. Far enough for me to crave it, and close enough for me to feel its warmth. I stare into her ever-revealing eyes, and I see fear. Fear and uncertainty. Like she's not sure if to touch me or not. 

She suddenly lets out a breath, and I feel her touch on my face. I close my eyes as a shiver runs through me. I can't help but lean into her touch as peace, like I haven't felt in forever, floods me. I open my eyes to stare at her, and she lets out a little gasp before stepping closer to me. 

"I'm sorry… "She says, and my brows crease.

"I'm sorry I just… Vanished. "She adds, and realization crashes into me like a racing horse.

Mom must have told her something. I still can't understand why and how she can't remember anything. It hurts… but maybe it's for the best. If she can't remember, she won't feel compelled to be close to me. And I wouldn't put her at the risk of getting hurt by me.

She's so delicate, it's almost wicked of me to marry her. But I can not break a blood oath, and I had to save her from the oppressive environment of her home and people. I swore to protect her, and I must do just that. I must protect her from anyone or anything that could hurt her… Her family, mine, and even me. 

And the best way is to keep her close, but far enough. The prophesy claims that when King Danash's madness finally catches up with a divine ruler, he or she kills the person he loves the most first. 

I can't get too close to her. And yet, I can't keep her away.

I reach for her delicate hand on my face, and she stares at our hands as I take her hand away from me.

"What are you doing here? "I question, and she looks up at me. Blinking like her eyelids are little butterflies before she finally gives me a response.

"I came to see you. To… Thank you for... Helping me this morning. "She says, and I sigh as I gently let go of her hand.

"We'll be getting married in a few days. It's my duty to protect you. "I reply, and she swallows.

She stares at me for a few seconds and then looks away. She starts shifting her weight from one leg to the other, and a small smile crawls onto my lips. She always did this when she was nervous. She really hasn't changed much.

"So… Do you train a lot? "She questions, and I stare at her for a few seconds. She's trying to make conversation. Mother must have told her something that's made her feel guilty. She's trying to make up for all the time we've missed, and memories lost. 

It's a sweet gesture, but I can't allow or afford such closeness. 

"Shouldn't you be preparing for tomorrow? "I question, and she snaps her head back up at me.

"I am. "She says almost instantly, and I raise a brow. 

"I mean, I was… I mean… Actually, I was studying the vow before I… "She begins but stops. Her cheeks turn a delicious shade of pink before she looks away, and I smile.

"You should get back to it. You can not afford any mistakes tomorrow, Mirelah. A missaid vow is an insult to the god of death. "I inform, and she looks up at me through her eyelashes.

She's scared. I can see it. I want to comfort her. To reach out and hold her. To tell her she's got this and it's not something she should be scared of. But I can't open that window. I can't allow that closeness.

"I'll leave you to it, now. "I say before grabbing my shirt off the rack and walking off.

I can feel her eyes on my back, but I do not turn to look. As exciting as it is to her with me once again, things are not the same. A lot has changed… It hurts But there's nothing I can do but wallow in the pain.

I miss the good old days. When we were just happy kids. Kids with no cares in the world. Now… Now I'm a king doomed to die no matter what I do. All I can hope is that I don't take the people I love down with me.

The only relief in this horrid existence of mine is Mirelah. And I know it's selfish of me to keep her trapped with me when I can not give her the love she deserves. But I've found that the only thing that has kept me grounded in the chaos of my existence is finding a piece of this world that's mine and holding on to it. 

That piece is Mirelah. And I can't let go of her. Even though holding on might hurt us both, I'm too selfish to let her go or think of her being with another man. 

I need her. In more ways than one.