A Spy

Casey

I thought I saw someone standing there, and for a second I thought it was Leonard. But the moment he stepped closer, I realized my mistake. It was Cesar. And that was a surprise. What was he doing here, I thought to myself. After the way he talked to me, talked about me, the fact that he came after me....

But then I shook my head. Maybe he's not even here for me. Maybe he just came out to get some fresh air and found me here coincidentally. And I shouldn't read too much into it. So I looked back towards the space, towards nothing in particular, and pretended I didn't see him.

I heard his footsteps coming closer to me, and I knew that he was just here to finish ruining my night.

"Why are you here all alone?" he asked as he took a seat next to me, but not too close, putting some distance, civil distance between the two of us.

I didn't answer anything. I didn't think it was a valid question. He probably was trying to kill the tension and the weirdness.

After a while, I just decided to make this civil and make peace with him. He didn't want me to work at the company, so what? I mean, being mad at him because he thought I was going to be a spy because he thought I was not going to be a good PA? I didn't think it was something I could be mad at him for right now as I thought about it.

It was his company, it was his decision, and me just thinking that he had to hire me because his dad asked, because my mom asked. Thinking from his point of view, he might have been right, he didn't have to hire me. After all, I'm just fresh out of college, what do I know anyway?

To kill the tension and not make this any weirder, I said, "I just like coming out here during the evenings and just stay here. It's like my alone time, just something I was doing. That's why I'm out here."

"So you're not mad because of what I said at dinner? Because everybody seems to have lost an appetite ever since you stormed out."

"I didn't do that," I told him. "You did. After your fight with your dad. And I'm not going to lecture you or anything, but I think you should try and put that down low. For Victor's sake."

He nodded. "Yeah, you're right about that. I should work on my snapping back skills," he said with a smile, almost like he was making a joke that I was supposed to be a part of. But I couldn't. I didn't get it, so I just smiled at him.

And the two of us kept sitting there in silence. And then I asked him, "Why are you here?"

"Well, after you stormed out like that—I thought should apologize. Oh, that's what I told your family... that I was coming to apologize."

"So what you're saying is you're not here to really apologize, isn't it?"

"I don't know yet," he told me.

The two of us were not looking at each other, just looking out into space. I guess everybody looking at whatever it was we saw out there. We sat in silence before Cesar killed the silence.

"You really want to work at Blackwell?" he asked.

"Honestly, I don't know. My mom thinks it's a good idea, and Leonard thinks it's wonderful. He thinks it would help me moving forward, even when I don't actually work at Blackwell. But I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it."

"How could you not know? You came for two interviews, one of which you were called very early in the morning. I mean, if you didn't want the job, you didn't have to come the way you have. I thought you wanted to work there."

"A part of me did, another part of me wasn't sure. The bigger part of me was the part where I wanted to make my mom proud. I also didn't want to let Leonard down, since he had gone out of his way to ask you to hire me, and then for me to let him down like that. He seemed to have good intentions and expectations. And the thought of letting him down—I couldn't do it."

"Well," he said, "at least he's been a father to you. I never had to worry about letting him down or impressing him or any of that shit. He didn't give a fuck. He didn't care. At least he gives you some form of feeling."

From what I'd gathered, Cesar and Leonard had a shaky relationship. And as my mother had warned me, I didn't want to get into it, so I didn't say anything.

Cesar sighed as he said, "You did well in your interview though. The fact that I said I wasn't going to hire you has nothing to do with you personally."

I answered back with a smile, "I know you don't want a pollute or spy in your company. I get it, you're afraid that I'll spy for Leonard."

"Not really," he said, surprising me.

I turned back to look at him, frowning. "Not really? You really insisted on that."

"I know, but I just said it to get at him."

Him, meaning Leonard—his father.

"I know you're not his spy, and you're not going to spy for him," he said so confidently.

"Then why did you say it? And why are you so confident that I'm not going to spy? That I wasn't going to spy on you—for him if you had hired me?" I asked curiously.

And then he turned to look at me, and all two of us were facing each other.

"Because I think you're too good and too true. I think you're too cute to be a spy."

I couldn't help it. I started laughing. He was saying these things—maybe to make me happy, maybe to kill the tension—but whatever the reason, I laughed. And I never thought I would laugh in Cesar's presence.

He didn't laugh. He only smiled.

And he looked at me in this way... that I couldn't read. This way that made me think I was seeing things that weren't actually there. 

For reasons I couldn't understand, I found myself straightening up, taking the hair that had fallen on my face and tucking it behind my ear. I composed myself.

"Thank you for this. For telling me that I didn't lose the job because I wasn't competent, because that really messed with my confidence. But now that I know it has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you and your dad, I think I'm free now to look for a job somewhere else that isn't Blackwell.

He was silent for a few minutes until I stood up and added, "It's getting kind of cold, I'm going to go back inside."

He touched my arm. I looked back towards him with a raised eyebrow.

He answered, looking at me, "I never said you didn't get the job."

"You literally just said that a few minutes ago when we were at the table."

"You can't trust things I say to Leonard. Especially when it's from anger, caused by Leonard."

"Then that's going to be hard," I told him.

He smiled. "You're right, it's been so hard for you right now."

I raised my eyebrows in confusion again—because that sounded like we were talking about two different things.

I immediately went red. Red, even though I don't know why I did. Or maybe I knew why I did, but I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Caesar then pulled me down. I was standing, he was holding my hand. Then he tugged at my arm and I found myself sitting back down. He took my hand and kissed it—at the back of my hand.

And he said, "What are you doing to me, Casey? What have you done to me? Why can't I get you out of my head?"

And I looked at him and I was like, what the hell was he talking about? 

"I....."

And then, all of a sudden, we heard a sound behind us.

"Casey, Caesar! I've been looking all over for you."

We turned around to find Victor running towards us. He came towards us and went to the middle of us, holding us with his hands, breathing heavily like he had just run a marathon. I went to touch his head and he was a little sweaty too.

"Where did you run from? The White House?" I asked him jokingly.

"No, I went towards your room, and then I went to the kitchen. I looked for you all over until Melissa told me you were out here," he said with his childlike voice that made me smile.

"Yes, you did, little buddy. Yes, you did," Caesar said, touching one of Victor's hands.

It was at this moment I realized that Victor was holding us between his arms. And I found myself getting emotional... I saw Victor there, his face smiling. Caesar smiling.

I felt my heartache and was filled with a longing I never experienced until now.