Chapter I: Pop it

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and in dying that, we are born to eternal life.

- Peace Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

 ***

The everything between us is not very wide, contrary to what people believe. Some of us have different looks, hair types, complexions, eye colors, and body types. Some of us are born into different cultures and speak different languages. We may have different beliefs, interests, and hobbies, but that canyon between us is only a gap that prevents us from crossing that line and looking at the other side. Everything there is just what it is- nothing- maybe a steep drop off a cliff or a hairline crack in the ground. There is nothing that separates us but space, perceptions, if you will, made by assumptions of a person based on simple ideas of what they appear to be.

 My mother taught me that lesson when I was young, maybe four, I was bright-eyed and hopeful then. Innocent. Kind. So willing to please and love. But things are a bit different now; people grow and mature, and everything they once were then shifts and changes. I guess you could say the same for me.

Even now, lining my sister's lips with a rosy lip pencil in front of the mirror, I see how different I've become. Long gone were those bright eyes, replaced now with deep-set amber ones under the furrow of my concentrated brow.

"Tilt your head up," I say, guiding her chin upwards.

"I can do my makeup just fine." Sofia, my sister, whined. "I don't know why you're even here."

"I'm here because Claudio asked me to: now if you want to look nice, shut up." Sofia rolled her eyes in annoyance but ultimately did as she was told, allowing me to finish lining her cupid's bow. It wasn't as if my sister didn't look nice on her own, having defined high cheekbones and long lashes that framed her striking amber eyes (which we both shared). Her full lips turned into a pout in obvious distaste for my presence and my bossiness. Claudio, one of her ballet masters, had begged me to come back to help with the conservatory's makeup after the makeup artist suddenly passed due to an overdose. 

She was Mina; I'd known her too when I danced for the conservatory. She used to be a dancer; if memory serves me right, she would have been twenty-five. She stopped dancing after dislocating her kneecap during a rehearsal; she was performing as a snowflake in The Nutcracker. I remembered all the instructors muttering and shaking their heads in pity. It's such a shame that a talent like her would lose it. I left the conservatory shortly before her accident and had only heard about it through what Sofia told me, and similarly, I'd learned of her passing through Claudio. Only hearing the details through hushed whispers among the wings and backstage. Her name echoed throughout the building, and I was left to replace her. Not paid, of course. I kind of figured that I wouldn't be amidst a tragedy. Additionally, the Miami-Dade Conservatory of the Arts was known for keeping a closed fist on their wallet- so I wasn't expecting much. Maybe they'd sign off on volunteer papers for my IB classes, I wondered at some point… or maybe not. 

I finished lining her lips carefully and stepped back to admire my work from afar, mostly to spot any imperfections. Seeing none, I resumed my position, blending the lip liner into her lip. Later, I'd go over it with my sister's matte liquid lipstick, but I just wanted to make the lining look seamless when I applied it.

"You know, if you didn't give me such attitude, I'd have this done quicker," I said aloud. You're my last person, and I want to go back home. I have homework to do."

"You can't go home," Sofi voiced through lips tightened into an 'O' shape. "You're my ride."

I'd forgotten, naturally, that Sofi had gotten her license suspended. I groaned. "Right. Well, what time do I have to stay til?"

"9:30, but if you don't want to stay here, can you get me dinner?" She asked, batting her eyelashes, trying to persuade me. 

I glowered at her. " It's 4:26, I have five hours."

"Yeah, by the time you're done with me, it'll be almost 4:40, and then you can stop by Chick-fil-A, which should only take you twenty minutes. Oh- and Claudio wanted me to tell you that Alina wanted you to talk to her about Oberon's makeup before 6:00, so you should have time."

"Wait," the makeup test was news to me. "I thought I already did Liem's makeup- he's playing Oberon- right?"

"Yeah… but Alina wanted something else," Sofia said cautiously.

"Mmh hmm, and why didn't Alina tell me that?" I tried not to sound annoyed- I did- but if I'm not getting paid, I shouldn't give a damn. "She should have told me if she didn't like the makeup. It's just common decency, you know." 

"She's just…well, you know how she is. It's not that big of a deal, and besides, you and her settled things a long time ago."

"Ha, settled is one way to put things." I found my sister's makeup bag and dug through it to find the matching lipstick. "Try and look like you're saying 'ah' without actually saying it."

I finished her look relatively soon after and painted her to be the queen of the fairies, Tatiana from The Dream ( aka Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream). I was given creative freedom to do the makeup however I wanted, and I was permitted to bring my cosmetics to use. So, it was within my creative vision to lightly dust my sister in gold and brush some gold leaf specks around the outer corners of her eyes, bringing them up towards her temple where her laurel would sit. It turned her into a vision of gold, radiating off her like sunbeams. Sofia spent a solid minute eying herself in the mirror framed with LED lights, and at first I thought she was scrutinizing the look, trying to find faults to tear into. That was until she brought her hands to her face, fingers hovering over the traces of gold, where I realized she was just admiring it.

I gave her a hand mirror, and she continued to ogle herself from different angles. I swore I saw the ghost of a smile pull her mouth upwards, but instead, she turned to me. 

"If chemistry doesn't work out for you, maybe you should consider going into cosmetology?" Her words sounded sincere.

I smirked. " And risk Mami's wrath? Hell no."

"Mmm, yeah, no, she'd kill you," Sophia considered for a moment.

"Literally. Maybe in a different universe, but I prefer to keep my life." I started to pack up my kit, deciding that I might go to Chick-fil-A. "So you like?"

"I do." She said, and I believed it.

 ***

Trying to open the back door to the auditorium was nearly impossible with my arms desperately clutching my makeup kit and Chick-fil-A bag. Struggling, I attempted to free one hand to grab ahold of the handle, but in doing so, my kit slipped from my grasp. I could only watch in horror as the box's latch came undone from the impact, and nearly all the contents spilled forth. 

Powder, glitter, creams, and brushes lay scattered on the ground, some of the products costing me two commissions worth to even afford. And all I could manage to do was release a strangled gasp. I knelt alongside the box gingerly setting aside the take-out bag and began to pick up what I could salvage. Tubes of lipgloss, lip liners, mascara, liquid blush, liquid bronzer, tubed concealers, and miraculously, some liquid foundations in glass were among the few products that survived. And I set them back into the box, my heart squeezing when I found the remnants of my forty-dollar powder foundation coating my fingers. I wanted to scream, and just when I felt like I was about to- the door swung open behind me.

"Mierda, que paso aqui?" Even though I didn't have to crane my neck towards the voice to know who it belonged to, I still did. Claudio stood in the doorway, releasing a puff of vapor from his cart, the air smelling sweet and herby for a moment before dissipating in the breeze. His brown eyes narrowed, and he scanned the mess before him. "You good?"

"Yeah," I said, surprised at how my voice wavered. "I just dropped my kit."

"Need help?" He asked, but it sounded more like a statement to my ears. 

"I'm good." I gave him a wobbly smile and turned back to my mess. "It's nothing, really."

I heard a sigh and felt a hand lightly pat my shoulder. Then I saw two knees meet the concrete beside mine out of the corner of my eye. Claudio began to pick up the damaged

products and put them in the kit. I gave him a sideways glance for doing that, but I acknowledged that it would be a safety hazard to leave it on the ground since there was nowhere to dispose of them outside. 

"Thank you for doing this." He met my glance with a bittersweet grin. "It was last minute, and everyone here appreciates that."

I flushed, suddenly embarrassed, and dropped the silly look. "Oh, um, it's no problem." We returned to silence, save for the distant sound of traffic and the wind. It was uncomfortable, the somberness sat upon it like a weighted blanket, and before I could stop myself, I found myself asking. "How are you doing?" 

Claudio swallowed hard. "I'm ok." He proceeded to collect the remaining few products and set them in the kit, closing it a little too hard. "It's been hard, but I'll get through it."

I nodded. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Mina was a great dancer and she was always really sweet to me. She seemed like an amazing person."

"She is-ah-was." He stumbled, choking out the last part, his voice thick. "The best friend I could ask for, and the craziest girl I've ever known." Laughing through budding tears and wiping them away with the neckline of his cutoff tee. I watched those runaway tears streak down his stubbled jaw, and how he turned away from me once he noticed. I felt like an asshole, I'd "Sorry, we should go back inside."

"Oh, uh, yeah." I wasn't going to press the issue. So, I stood up, brushed the dirt off my knees, and offered a hand out to Claudio. He took it, and pushed himself off the ground, leaning into me. Once standing, he gave me an appreciative smile before opening the auditorium door. "Gracias."

"A la orden." Claudio attempted to mimic my accent instead of his heavy Dominican accent, the fake cheer sounded wrong given the atmosphere. "Ah, and don't forget your Chick-fil-A." He pointed to the takeout bag, which I retrieved. 

 ***

Claudio guided me backstage again, keeping quiet as the dancers began to rehearse. Lithe limbs moved across the stage gracefully to the piano's music, their long skirts flowed with their movements. They danced under a blue light with a large crescent moon hanging over the set, with a projected backdrop of trees. Little orbs of light blinked on the backdrop and were accentuated by the lights hanging from the rafters, the conservatory added for this show. It was stunning to look at, a dream to look at, and the dancers moved so gracefully that it was believable that they were faeries. Then the group of faeries split, and Sofi emerged on center stage along with the swell of the music. 

There she lounged in something that appeared like a chaise (which may have been wheeled in), flanked by several of the faerie corps and one of the younger dancers that sat with her. They stood by as the boy fanned her, as Oberon-Liem approached her with long angry strides. And then Tatiana stood up, and I was hooked. I watched on as the two began to fight over the boy, seeing them act out a playful argument. Then there was a tap on my shoulder.

"Vamos," Claudio mouthed.

I groaned internally, but I tore my eyes away from the stage and trailed after him. I followed him further towards the front of the auditorium, where Claudio led me to one of the offices by the ticket box. He rapped on the door in a song-like pattern, and from the inside came a stern 'Who is it?'

"Lucretia and Claudio." His voice rose. "Mind if we come in?"

There was a dry-wheezing cough and then a solid "yes." 

He opened the door for me, and it swung open with a hiss, leading to the ancient office. The conservatory's auditorium was built in the 1920s, which can be seen in the art deco paneling and overhead light fixtures. And while the office's furniture was made up of old stage props with desks here and there, the second oldest thing was not the giant wooden horse, no, it was the living skeleton perched behind a desk at the far corner. Alina Bartosz was an older woman with dry hair dyed burgundy, which she swept up into a severe bun, her silvery roots just starting to show. She sat there sipping her half-gallon hydro-jug, her bespectacled eyes narrowing in on me as Claudio brought me to her desk.

He opened the door for me, and it swung open with a hiss, leading to the ancient office. The conservatory's auditorium was built in the 1920s, which could be seen through the art deco paneling and overhead light fixtures. And while the office's furniture was made up of old stage props with desks here and there, the second oldest thing was not the giant wooden horse; no, it was the living skeleton perched behind a desk at the far corner. Alina Bartosz was an older woman with her dry hair dyed burgundy, which she swept up into a severe bun, her silvery roots starting to show. She sat there sipping her half-gallon hydro-jug, her bespectacled eyes narrowing in on me as Claudio brought me to her desk. 

"You wanted to talk about Liem's makeup, so I'm told." I smiled saccharinely, my cheeks burning from smiling so wide. 

If Alina caught on to that, I would never have known under her cool demeanor. "Yes." She said. "First of all, on behalf of the conservatory, I'd like to express our gratitude for your assistance today in the wake of such a … tragic loss. It was a very last-minute ask, for which we cannot thank you enough. However, while assessing the cast, I did find issues with some of our danseurs' makeup. 

From a distance, the makeup on both Oberon and Puck makes them both appear more feminine-"

"They're faeries," I interjected.

"Male faeries." She dismissed. "Oberon is the king of the fairies; he's powerful and arrogant. And while he may be a faerie, he exudes his power through dance. Puck is different; he may also be faerie, but he's supposed to have a mischievous sort of aura. Kind of like a little boy, do you understand? We want the audience to be able to see that."

I didn't want to say yes, mostly because I didn't agree with her opinion of Puck- now I haven't danced in a hot minute- but last time I checked Puck could be played by anyone regardless of their gender. However, I know better than to open my mouth and argue with someone who would just nitpick my arguments. It's just not worth it. 

"Yeah, fine." I conceded, my grip on my makeup kit tightening.

"Fine isn't an answer, you know. Do you really understand, Lucretia?" Alina cocked her head to the side as if she was confused. "If you don't understand, I will gladly explain it to you again."

"No, thank you, Alina. I understand." At this point, I was white-knuckling my kit. "I'll take care of it." I smiled as graciously as I could muster and turned to leave, thinking that this would be the end of it. Claudio even turned with me to follow me out the door, but Alina's commanding voice cut my escape short.

"Oh, Lucretia, another thing. If you would stay behind a moment, Claudio, please see to rehearsal. That would be appreciated." Claudio turned to me, his brow creased in confusion. "Claudio if you please." He hesitantly shifted on his feet before nodding and stalking out the door.

"Be a dear and close the door for a moment." She said, still seated. Unease pooled into the pit of my belly as I sealed the door shut. "Have a seat." She gestured to the mismatched, overly-stuffed stools before the desk, and I slowly sank onto one. "Why don't you set your things down? I find that conversations come off much lighter without the physical burdens we carry weighing you." I stared at her for a moment, then reluctantly set the takeout bag and the kit on the stool next to mine, I felt like a dog. "Much better, right?"

"As I said before, the conservatory does appreciate your contributions especially in such a difficult time. However, tomorrow we will revert to how traditional companies do makeup. It's about time that the older students learn before they start auditioning for companies or internships, anyway. Tomorrow you will come in and teach the cast how to apply their cosmetics, and if they need extra assistance you can stay around. Though, I expect that after tomorrow, you won't need to stay." There it was. "Of course, you'll be compensated, from what I've heard your school mandates service hours. So, we'll fill out the proper forms and send that over to…where do you go to school again?"

"Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic High School." I said dumbly, my mind still reeling from the fact that I was essentially being 'let go'. 

"Yes, lovely school from what I've heard. Just remind me to do that tomorrow after you finish getting everyone ready. Does that sound good?"

"Hmm?" I think I hummed in response- in fact, I'm not entirely sure what I said. 

"Lucretia, it's a yes or no question. Honestly, girl, it's not a hard question to answer. Maybe it was for the best you stopped dancing when you did." She huffed. "You wouldn't have gotten far if you couldn't answer a simple question."

All I could see for a moment was red, and my ears started to pop—a tell-tale sign that I had to shut this down now. I tried to control my breathing, taking in slow, deliberate breaths, and the popping ceased. Regardless, Alina saw it all and immediately tensed, her narrowed eyes hard now, and her nose flared. And there it was, that familiar tang in the air—fear.

"I think it's best if I go back now," I said evenly. "Give me twelve hours, and I think that'll cover it. Let Claudio know if you need anything else from me." I turned to stand up, grabbed my things, and opened the door, giving her one last look before shutting it with a final hiss. 

 ***

Walking out to the car in the crisp November air gave me goosebumps; every breath I drew in was released with a puff of steam. Watching them billow and twirl was almost mesmerizing, but my incessant shivering overshadowed it.

"Please turn on the ass heater, I'm begging you." Sofi mewled as I unlocked the car; it beeped at my fingerprint. "Why is it this cold? It's not even February!"

"Coldfront," I replied, opening the car door and sliding into the seat. "It's only sixty-five, though: it's supposed to get down to the low fifties by Saturday."

Sofi tsked, buckling her seatbelt. "You would think they'd figure out how to control the weather by now- turn on the damn car- estoy helando!"

"Ya, ya, dame un segundo." I huffed and placed my index finger on the ignition. A light scanned up and down my fingertip before the car hummed to life. Sofi took the initiative herself to turn it on, and no sooner than a minute later, I could feel the heat. "How was rehearsal?"

"It was ok, Claudio and Vivian had a lot of notes for the ensemble- Vivian ended up yelling at a couple of girls for talking backstage and not smiling. I got notes for my pas de deux with Liem."

"What for? You looked fine from what I saw."

She snorted, "I was too stiff during the lifts. Liem nearly dropped me at some point, and there were other small things that I won't get into. I think Vivian was mostly being nitpicky, but I don't know." We pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street under an inky sky. Streetlights whizzed past us as I merged onto the highway. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that Sofi had cringed into herself. Her eyes twisted shut and braced for impact, holding the grab handle and cursing. "FUCK!" 

There was an angry beep behind me and a punch to my right shoulder. "AI, Sofi, what the hell?"

"What do you mean 'what the hell'? You could have hit the guy!" She shrieked.

"I didn't see him. He was in my blind spot!" I defended myself, knowing that at least I could still drive, unlike a certain person in the passenger seat. 

"How could you not see him? He had his lights on!"

"You're in the passenger seat; of course, you could see him. But I'm the one in the driver's seat I can't see past the divider very well. Mind you, his lights were in my blind spot, too."

"That makes absolutely no sense!" She pressed on.

"Whatever," I grumbled, trying to move on, which made Sofi fume. "Did Alina say anything to you?"

"No." She said tersely, but after a few moments of tense silence, she asked, "Like notes? She's not really involved with rehearsals much anymore. "

"No, not really…she, um, she fired me, I guess."

"Wait, really?" Sofi looked at me wide-eyed with an expression of shock and anger. "What did you do?"

"Well, she's letting me work tomorrow to teach the cast and ensemble, but after that, I won't be helping out. She didn't like Oberon and Puck's looks, like you said, saying something about how they were too feminine." I explained.

"They looked fine," Sofi admitted, " I mean, the girls said they really liked Liem's makeup a lot. I liked it."

"Well, she didn't." I sighed and felt a coil tighten in my stomach. And then I fathered the courage to say: "And then I started fronting."

Sofi was already wound up, but my confession made her jaw drop. I watched the gravity of my words start to dawn on her face and saw that she looked at me with concern in her eyes. 

"Luca," she said slowly. "What did you do?"

"Don't look at me like that, alright, it was just a little bit of pressure." The look on her face did not leave. "The worst it got was just popping, ok."

"You didn't crush anything?" Sofi asked, almost sounding desperate.

"I didn't," I assured her, but then, looking back, I hadn't checked. I didn't think the pressure was hard enough to cause anything to bend.

"Fuck, Luca, I thought you said you had it under control." She sighed exasperatedly as if this was a topic that was often brought up. "Have you been taking your meds?"

Irritation bubbled underneath my skin. "What the actual fuck Sofia?" I tried to keep my voice as reined in as possible. "You can't be serious?"

"Luca, this isn't just about you-"

"Just shut up, ok? I get it, but I've already fronted once today. I don't need a second trigger to set me off again." I snarked and smelled a sharp tang fill the car, I just about lost it.

"Don't joke about that." Sofi stiffened, she'd turned her head towards the road, hands curled into fists on her lap. I pretended not to notice; not the permeating stench of fear, not the way her brows furrowed, nor how her nails dug into her palms. I fought off a frown,

"I wasn't."

 And we drove home back in silence.

 ***

I'd spent much of last night trying to draw up different concept sketches of the makeup for both faeries. I'd gone through four full pages of my sketchbook- front and back- before I settled on the two best contenders for Oberon and Puck. By then, my eyes were weighing down on me like cinderblocks, forcing me to put down my colored pencils and get some rest. The next morning, I woke up with the most mind-numbing migraine- no doubt from staying up too late. It was going to make me a shitty morning. 

I was right, of course, since my dear sister had her license suspended, I had to drive her to the conservatory before making my way over to school. Miami traffic was notorious for being the worst in Florida, so Sofi and I have a habit of leaving the house an hour early in the mornings. I snagged pastelito to-go, even though I wasn't hungry and then we were off. The traffic wasn't too awful (yay), so I'd dropped Sofi off about twenty minutes early and headed over to my school.

It was the largest private school in the area despite the fact it was by far the most exclusive one. Most of Miami's elite sent their kids there: CEOs, famous soccer players, socialites, lawyers, doctors, etc. If your parents made more than seven figures and had their name in the limelight within the past ten years or so, chances are you would be accepted. Though they were picky when it came to who exactly was considered acceptable, the school had been known to reject children of politicians and senators whose policies didn't align with the school's beliefs. There was a case that made national news once, where the nephew of a Supreme Court justice had been denied because the justice had voted against a decision regarding Talents in the workforce. The family had sued and lost, which had been a shock to everyone in Miami and across the nation. But anyone who'd sent their kids there would have known that the school had incredible connections and support from families and donors who had the kind of power to make heads roll. If you could say that you went to Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic School, you were essentially set for life, guaranteed admission to almost any university. To get a scholarship at OLLCS was considered to be something akin to winning the lottery. If you graduated from there with a scholarship, you would be absolutely guaranteed to any university. For every grade, there would be twenty-four open positions. Scholarship students had to be the creme of the crop, and no scholarship was insured. If a scholarship student's GPA dipped below a 3.5, they wouldn't be allowed to finish the year, and whoever was next on the waiting list would take that slot. It was unfortunate, but it happened to a student every semester, so most 'permanent' students tried not to get too close to them. 

I guess I'd be considered lucky since I was a permanent student there, not by choice, though. Don't get it twisted; I never said I was ungrateful; every time I say that, someone always has to point out that I go to the most prestigious high school in Florida. It was decided for me before I'd even started middle school- I'd wanted to go to the conservatory- but things happened and shit changed. The school was safe for me, and I'd be surrounded by peers of children whose parents my father relied on and knew. 

Well, as safe as it could be. Pulling into the parking lot, I got break-checked by a junior in a lifted truck. I slammed hard on the break and was flung forward as a result. The seat belt caught me, digging into my chest and knocking the wind out of me. My body reacted at once, involuntarily; adrenaline started pumping, and there was a severe amount of pressure in my ears. A loud bang punctured the atmosphere, coming from the car in front of me.