Episode 30: The Warlock and the Backseat Spellbook

The shop bell chimed as the door swung open, revealing a figure cloaked in deep purple robes, adorned with swirling arcane symbols. His face was half-hidden beneath a hood, but his eyes glinted with the kind of dramatic intensity that screamed, I'm the villain in a school play.

"I am Malvus the Malevolent," he announced, his voice low and ominous. "Master of dark sorceries, wielder of forbidden knowledge, and—"

Zira cut him off, deadpan. "—probably still living in your mom's basement."

Malvus sputtered. "I do not! I live in a tower of shadows!"

Felix smirked. "A tower with a fully stocked pantry, huh?"

Malvus ignored him, slamming a leather-bound book onto the counter. "I require a spellbook—but not just any spellbook. One that guides me to the most powerful incantations! One that whispers forbidden secrets into my mind!"

Felix tilted his head. "So... like a talking spellbook?"

"Yes! But sinister."

Zira leaned in. "Define 'sinister.'"

Malvus gestured dramatically. "Dark, brooding, speaks in an ancient, unknowable tongue!"

Felix and Zira exchanged a look.

Felix shrugged. "Alright. Let's see what we can whip up."

---

One Hour Later…

Felix returned from the back, holding a thick, leather-bound tome. It had jagged silver lettering on the cover that shimmered menacingly.

"Here's the Grimoire of Arcane Whispers," Felix said proudly. "It'll advise you on spellcasting, tactics, and mystical secrets. Even comes with a 'sinister voice' feature included."

Malvus eagerly grabbed the book, flipped it open, and waited.

Nothing happened.

He frowned. "It's not whispering forbidden knowledge."

Felix tapped the side. "Ah, right. You need to activate it." He reached over and pressed a glowing rune on the cover.

The book vibrated, then spoke in a deep, gravelly voice:

"Oh, great Malvus the Malevolent… perhaps you should start with a basic fireball, before trying to summon ancient horrors from beyond the void."

Malvus blinked. "What? Why is it talking like that?"

Zira snorted. "It sounds like my dad giving me life advice."

The book continued, unfazed.

"Also, maybe work on your posture. Hunching over makes you look less like a powerful sorcerer and more like a disappointed librarian."

Malvus stared at Felix, horrified. "This isn't sinister! It's... condescending!"

Felix scratched his head. "Huh. Must've grabbed the Grimoire of Practical Wisdom by accident. It gives magical advice—just… bluntly."

"And for the record," the book added, "purple robes? Bit cliché. Maybe try black with crimson trim. It's slimming."

Zira burst out laughing. "Oh, I love this book."

Malvus turned beet red. "I asked for a book of dark secrets, not fashion tips!"

Felix sighed. "I can swap it for the 'Whispers of Eldritch Doom' edition if you want."

Malvus hesitated, looking down at the book.

"Malvus," it said, voice lowering to a softer, almost supportive tone, "you don't need eldritch doom to be powerful. Maybe what you really need… is self-confidence."

Malvus blinked again. "... I'm keeping it."

Felix chuckled. "Good call."

As Malvus left the shop, the book could be heard murmuring, "Remember, chin up! Confidence is key, buddy."

Zira wiped a tear from her eye. "Best client so far."

Felix grinned. "Yeah. I give it a week before he's leading a cult of self-improvement."