True Feelings (Part 2)

Every day, without fail, K.C always came back to train alone. 

After work, before work… At any opportunity he got, he consistently went to the Sparring Arena. Liyah had paid for his membership for the month, and while it would soon expire, Kaycee was already preparing to renew his plan.

Of course, he wanted to do this secretly so Theo and Liyah wouldn't know about it. He was also seriously considering ceasing his spectator role in the group and also requesting a personal trainer for himself. He still hadn't figured out what excuse to give Theo and Liyah, and how long he could keep his activities hidden from them, but he was determined to figure something out.

Plus—

'I don't think it would take a lot to convince them…' He constantly told himself. 'They probably don't care enough about my presence anyway.'

He contributed nothing to their training, and he was nothing but a freeloader who enjoyed the ride Liyah provided, the meals she paid for, and even the membership he consistently utilized. The same could be said about Theo, but at least he offered value since he was helping her out with training.

Unlike the two of them, he was completely useless.

'Not for long, though…' Kaycee told himself as he entered his training room—the same empty space that Theo and Liyah used. The lingering smell of sweat lingered in the air, and Kaycee inhaled it deeply, priming his mind for hard work.

More than anything, his desire was for him to become useful—to the Ak'ashi Guild, to Theo and Liyah… to the world.

'I can do it!' He told himself, moving his tall body very violently, trying his hardest to mimic the movements he memorized from his keen observation of Theo and Liyah's fights.

'I will make these moves mine!' He clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. 'If I work hard enough, then—'

He suddenly slipped on his sweat and fell to the ground.

A heavy thud echoed in the empty room, and he found himself facing the ceiling… his vision quickly turning blurry as tears began to form as a result of the pain.

No… not physical pain.

Aching sensations permeated his body as a result of falling, but those did not compare to the searing agony of inadequacy that kept eating at him from within. He felt like ripping out his heart due to the raw affliction it meted out on him.

He tried to stand, but his body wouldn't move. It felt heavy, like lead, with sharp pains constantly ebbing away at his strength—sapping the minuscule amount of willpower that remained in his bleeding soul.

"H-hicc… hicc… I'm so useless…"

The tears streamed down his cheeks as his vision completely blurred. He could not stop the loud sobs that escaped his trembling lips, constantly trying to stifle his cries, but unable to.

'Is this really it? Is this really all I can amount to? Even when I try my hardest… is this my limit?'

"You can do it too if you try."

Those words felt like a lie to him now—no, perhaps they had always been just that—lies.

Maybe he simply tried to convince himself they were true. He tried and tried to fight against the harsh, cruel reality of the world… only to be forced face to face with the hard facts of life.

'Facts don't care about feelings, the same way no one cares about effort.'

All that mattered were results.

'I tried… harder than I ever did… to make friends… to be stronger… to become the person I have always wanted to be.'

But, he was reminded at this moment that those were meaningless.

'My friends are about to leave me behind… I haven't made any noticeable progress since I started training… and I am nowhere near the life I desire.'

Why did he come to the Ak'ashi Guild in the first place? For what purpose did he work so hard to get a scholarship to the Ak'ashi Academy and work his butt off every single day? Those days seemed so far away that Kaycee could no longer remember.

'Now, my life is nothing but a never-ending loop that reminds me of my failures.'

Even the busted items, scraps and Junk-Grade Armaments he used to assemble and repair for fun no longer had much meaning to him. Most of them were lost causes anyway, just like him.

'If only… things were different… I would have loved to join you all…' His thoughts were so loud that he did not hear the creak of the hall's door.

He did not hear his name being called, nor the familiar voices that rang within the room.

All he heard were his deepest thoughts.

'… In the Combat Division.'

"Kaycee… what are you doing?"

Hearing the voice for the first time, Kaycee's eyes opened wide, his tears swiftly evaporating as he noticed two presences before him.

'Theo? Liyah? No!' His thoughts rang as he jumped to his feet, forgetting the pains that still assailed him. 'When did they get here? They can't see me like this!'

As he wiped away his remnant tears, he watched them from a distance, subconsciously taking more steps back as he looked at them. He was speechless, staring at their calm faces, unable to muster the courage to do anything but watch in silence.

After an unbearable moment of silence, he finally spoke—his voice quivering as he did so.

"How did you know? No… when did you find out?"

Silence.

For what seemed like an eternity of utter quietness, no words were exchanged.

"From the start… I've always known."

Kaycee's eyes widened as he stared at Theo, whose face remained still as an unfettered body of water. His eyes were blank, just like his face, a canvas without prejudice or any form of emotion one could associate with positive or negative attributes.

It was clear… like a mirror.

Kaycee quickly looked away, his fists clenched as numerous thoughts ran through his mind.

"Why are you not upset? Why aren't you saying anything? Isn't this the time you chastise me, or get angry at me for lying to you? After all, I should learn to speak out more… tell you all how I feel about things."

"I'm sorry for being so insensitive back then." Liyah said solemnly. "It was condescendi—"

"It was the truth!"

Kaycee cut her off with a loud tone, his head facing the ground as he could not bear to look at the faces of the people he considered his only friends. They had to feel betrayed for the lies and secrets he kept from them.

"It was the harsh truth that needed to be said to a loser like me…"

Another round of silence.

'They agree… they have to agree.'

"You understand your situation well." Theo's words cut through the silence, and his next words did the same to Kaycee's thoughts.

"But do you accept it?"

"W-what?" Kaycee was at a loss for words, dumbfounded in every possible way.

"You understand that you are a loser. You are weak… pathetic… unable to grasp your dreams and goals as you remain in a cage of inadequacy… forced to witness others walk past you and go ahead while you are only allowed to watch from afar." He said. "But do you accept it?"

Those words resonated in the air.

They resonated with Theo, because it was what Shen had asked him at his time of captivity.

 And… they also resonated with Kaycee.

"Should I not?" He whispered, his clenched fists unscrunching, unable to form any more strength

"That is a decision you have to make. We can tell you all sorts of things: that you can actively join us in training, or that I can definitely make you stronger. But, none of those are as important as what you have to say."

"…."

"Kaycee… what is it that you truly want?"

Once again, the weight of attention was placed upon him. However, for some reason, it felt lighter… more bearable than before. Perhaps it was because it was devoid of the additional baggage of expectations.

Kaycee raised his head and looked at both Theo and Liyah.

Their eyes held no superficial assumptions or judgment. They simply waited, silently and supportively watching as he made his choice. 

For that sole reason, he was allowed to finally open his lips and speak.

"I want to journey the world with my friends. I want to explore the Nations of the Mainland, and also see what lies beyond… in the Dark Waters and the rest of Trae'h. I wish to help all kinds of people as I do this, and I wish to someday meet the love of my life while having the time of my life in a never-ending adventure!"

There were no stutters, no uncertainties tainted his words.

He spoke from his heart, revealing the true feelings that lay buried there for what seemed like an eternity.

"Good." Theo nodded, and so did Liyah.

"As your friends, we also wish to journey the world with you."

Tears filled Kaycee's eyes as he heard those words of confirmation for the first time. Somewhere deep in his heart, he had doubted their friendship, considering himself to be nothing but an insignificant burden to the group.

But now, having his existence… their relationship acknowledged by these two… Kaycee felt something bloom in his heart.

What was it? 

Courage!

It was courage! The courage to reject his present reality and accept something else.

"I will register for the Evaluation Exams… I will join the Combat Division!" Kaycee looked at his friends, sniffing as he dried the tears that trickled down his face. "Theo, Liyah… please help me to achieve this goal."

"Of course."

"You don't even have to ask."

All three of them nodded and smiled at each other, with their emotions at that moment being in deep resonance and perfect alignment. 

They went ahead to register Kaycee the next day, and all three began sparring together from that point on. And before realizing it… two more months went by and with it came what they had been waiting for.

—The Evaluation Exams.