15 The Tester’s Gambit
The Qing Yun Sect's training yard, usually a place of disciplined grunts and the *whoosh* of controlled qi, was buzzing.
Like, *actually* buzzing.
Lina, the envoy from the Celestial Archive, had set up her "Celestial Mirror" – a massive, ornate disc that looked suspiciously like a satellite dish cosplaying as an ancient artifact – right in the center.
"This, esteemed cultivators," Lina announced, her voice amplified by some hidden array, "will test your resilience against inner demons. Only the purest of heart and mind can withstand its… *scrutiny*." She shot a look at Ethan that was probably meant to be encouraging but came off as slightly predatory.
Ethan, for his part, was trying very hard not to look like he was about to faceplant into a pile of spirit stones.
The "Absurd Immortal Path" system chose this opportune moment to chime in.
**SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: Rubber Body Technique – Activated!
All incoming mental attacks will be… bounced.
**
*Bounced?
* Ethan thought, bewildered.
*Like, literally?
*
The first volunteer, some poor sap from a minor sect, stepped up.
The Mirror hummed, and the guy instantly crumpled, babbling about his crippling fear of… oversized cabbages.
Okay, then.
Next up was Sarah, Qing Yun's resident "genius" and, in Ethan's not-so-humble opinion, a total creeper.
She'd been giving him the stink eye ever since he'd accidentally-on-purpose set her prize-winning spirit orchid on fire (it had been possessed by a miniature fire demon, *obviously*).
As the Mirror focused on Sarah, a swirling vortex of colors and shapes erupted.
But instead of collapsing, Sarah just stood there, a smug smirk plastered on her face.
Ethan, however, felt a weird… *twinge*.
**SYSTEM WARNING: Redirecting mental attack… Target acquired: Sarah of Qing Yun.
**
Suddenly, the swirling vortex shifted.
It morphed, twisted, and solidified into… a giant, pulsating, iridescent frog.
A frog that promptly *hopped* onto the roof of the training hall, croaking with what sounded suspiciously like Sarah's voice.
The crowd went *nuts*.
Laughter, gasps, and a few strategically placed "ribbits" filled the air.
Sarah's face turned a shade of purple usually reserved for overripe eggplants.
Lucas, ever the picture of concerned Sect Leader (not), rushed to her side.
"Sarah! Are you alright? This… this is clearly a malfunction of the Mirror!" He glared at Lina, who looked about as surprised as a cat presented with a plate of extra-spicy tuna.
But Lucas wasn't done.
He subtly flicked his wrist, and a faint, almost invisible thread of qi shot towards the Mirror.
Ethan, who had been enjoying the frog-on-the-roof spectacle immensely, felt a sudden, *violent* pull.
It was like being sucked down a cosmic drain.
The world blurred, colors ran together, and he found himself in a swirling vortex of… pure, unadulterated *wrongness*.
This wasn't a funhouse mirror; this was a black hole of despair, seasoned with a dash of existential dread.
**SYSTEM WARNING: Entering Soul-Devouring Vortex!
This is, like, *totally* not part of the plan.
**
Ethan was about to resign himself to becoming a permanent resident of the void when another notification popped up.
**SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: Ancient Text Auto-Translation Feature – Unlocked!
Commencing… literary analysis?
**
A scroll, seemingly materializing from thin air, unrolled before Ethan's eyes.
It was a fragment of something called… *The Smiling, Proud Wanderer*.
Seriously?
This was his salvation?
The system, in its infinite, slightly deranged wisdom, highlighted a section: "The Breaking Vortex Chant." Below it was a string of characters that looked like they'd been put through a blender, then reassembled by a particularly enthusiastic toddler.
"Screw it," Ethan muttered, and started to read.
Or rather, *sing*.
Because, apparently, the "Breaking Vortex Chant" was meant to be performed.
And not just performed.
Performed in the style of a heavy metal power ballad.
The vortex, which had been steadily shrinking Ethan's sense of self, suddenly *vibrated*.
It pulsed.
It… *grooved*.
The black hole of despair started belting out a bassline that would make a seasoned rock god weep with envy.
Ethan, channeling his inner Freddie Mercury (with a dash of a screaming goat), kept singing.
The vortex, as if defeated by the sheer power of off-key karaoke, dissipated.
Ethan found himself back in the training yard, slightly dizzy, but otherwise unharmed.
Lina was staring at him, her jaw practically on the floor.
"What… what was *that*?"
Ethan just shrugged.
"System upgrade. You wouldn't understand."
Before Lina could question him further, she gestured towards a secluded pavilion.
"Ethan," she purred, "I believe we have much to discuss. In private."
Perfect opportunity, he thought.
While Lina had been distracted by his impromptu rock concert, Sarah had slipped him a drink, a "recovering tonic.
" She was all sweet smile and supportive words.
A little too supportive.
**SYSTEM ALERT: Detected potent Control-Type Toxin in offered beverage.
Source: Sarah of Qing Yun.
Intent: Malicious.
Duh.
**
Ethan grinned.
Time for a little payback.
He expertly palmed the spiked wine and, under the guise of offering Sarah a toast for her "bravery" during the Mirror test, poured it into *her* tea cup.
"To unexpected talents," he said, raising his (unpoisoned) cup.
Sarah, oblivious, took a large gulp.
And promptly started hiccupping.
Not just regular hiccups.
These were weaponized hiccups.
Each one ejected a puff of bright green, noxious-smelling smoke that filled the air with the distinct aroma of rotten eggs and despair.
Lina was making a mental note to befriend, recruit, or bribe the system out of Ethan.
Ethan gave her a sly wink, "Later, shall we?"
The jade seal still throbbed, a faint heartbeat against Ethan's palm.
He'd expected fireworks, divine pronouncements, maybe a chorus of heavenly maidens descending on fluffy clouds.
Instead, he got… Lina.
Lina, the self-proclaimed emissary of the Heavenly Secrets Pavilion, leaned against a nearby plum tree, looking remarkably unimpressed.
She was all sharp angles and elegant disdain, like a cat that had just been offered a bowl of slightly stale milk.
"So," she drawled, her voice like silk over steel, "the seal chose *you*. How… quaint."
Ethan, still slightly dizzy from the seal's not-so-grand entrance, just shrugged.
"Look, lady, I didn't ask for this. This whole 'chosen one' gig isn't really my style. I just wanted to cultivate some weird mushrooms and maybe perfect my upside-down meditation technique."
Lina arched a perfectly sculpted eyebrow.
"Upside-down meditation? Intriguing. But utterly useless in the face of impending doom, wouldn't you agree?" She gestured vaguely towards the sky, as if doom were some sort of migratory bird flocking southward for the winter.
Before Ethan could retort that his upside-down meditation did wonders for his core strength (and admittedly, gave him a killer view of the world from between his legs), a sickly sweet voice cut through the air.
"Ethan! I'm so glad you're alright!" Sarah, Qing Yun's resident golden girl and Lucas's ever-present shadow, flitted towards them, radiating fake concern like a human sunlamp.
She looked from Ethan to Lina, her eyes narrowing slightly.
"What's this all about?"
"Oh, just a little… testing," Lina purred, giving Sarah a smile that could curdle milk at twenty paces.
"The Heavenly Secrets Pavilion requires a certain… *flair* in its recruits."
The air crackled with unspoken rivalry.
Ethan, caught in the middle, felt like a particularly unremarkable ant between two warring goddesses.
He scratched his head.
"Testing, huh?
What kind of testing?
Is there a written exam?
Because I really suck at those.
"
Lina's lips twitched.
"Something far more… practical.
" She produced a small, ornate dagger from a hidden fold in her robes.
"Let's see how you fare against… *this*.
" She flicked her wrist, and the dagger flew straight at Ethan's chest.
Now, most sane cultivators would have dodged, blocked, or maybe even screamed.
Ethan, however, trusted his system implicitly.
A little voice in his head – the one that usually told him to cultivate with his feet in a bucket of fermented yak milk – whispered, *Catch it.
Barehanded.
*
So, with the grace of a drunken monkey and the confidence of a man possessed, Ethan snatched the dagger out of the air.
He blinked.
It felt… warm.
Pleasant, even.
"Well, well," Lina murmured, her eyes glinting with something that might have been respect, or maybe just amusement.
"Perhaps there's more to you than meets the eye, after all."
Sarah, however, looked like she'd swallowed a lemon sideways.
She shot a quick, almost imperceptible glance towards the main peak of Qing Yun, where Lucas resided.
A flicker of something dark and dangerous crossed her face before she plastered on a strained smile.
"Impressive, Ethan!
But do be careful.
These Heavenly Secrets Pavilion tests can be… unpredictable.
"
Ethan grunted, examining the dagger.
His system was already analyzing its composition, muttering something about 'dragon-forged steel' and 'latent demonic energies.
' He pocketed it.
"Unpredictable is my middle name.
Well, technically, it's Bartholomew, but you get the point.
"
He looked from Lina to Sarah, a slow grin spreading across his face.
This was getting interesting.
He had a feeling this little "test" was just the beginning of a much bigger, much weirder game.
And Ethan Bartholomew (or whatever his middle name was) intended to play it to win.
Even if it meant cultivating upside down in a vat of fermented yak milk.