Entry 1: I Need A New Boyfriend

Lately, I've been considering suicide.

As dramatic as that may sound, I can't stop myself from coming back to the idea. There seems to be no end in sight to this misery.

Dealing with the aftermath of my entire life crumbling around me has been nothing but soul crushing and depressing. I've even taken it upon myself to write again in this diary I got in middle school. I'm going to document my life from this moment on. That way, if I do decide to end it all, it will come as no shock to anyone that finds and reads this.

Funny how the very last entry in this thing is about the last time my life had fallen apart. The 5th grade winter music concert where I found out that my crush Luke H didn't like me and wanted Haley L to be his girlfriend. Thank God she moved away in middle school or else my social status may not have risen as high as it did.

She was really my only competition when it came to boys at school. Things eventually turned around for me back then so it's giving me hope that the same will happen now.

It's insane to think that last year, I was having the most amazing time of my life. My brand new Mercedes wasn't totaled, I had the hottest boyfriend, everyone in school wanted to be me and my parents still totally loved me. Now, I have no car, no boyfriend, I've been vilified by my peers and my parents think I'm nothing but a ginormous disappointment.

It doesn't even matter how hard I try to rectify what happened last year. Nobody will let me forget it. Not my parents, not my ex, and not the school. The only person I can trust is Leah. My best friend who truly stood beside me and proved her loyalty when she honestly should've abandoned ship. Being totally honest, I think I would have if the roles were reversed.

Luckily for me, Leah is nothing like me. She's smart, she's deep and thoughtful. There's something virtuous about her. I think that's why I love to have her around. She's like my living, breathing conscience. My very own Jiminy Cricket. If I never had her by my side, I'd have been in deeper shit way earlier in my life.

Mom is kind of coming around again. She at least acknowledges my existence. She even tries to start a conversation with me every once in a while. It's nice, those few seconds we spend talking like we're actually mother and daughter. I can tell she's trying but I still don't think she's trying hard enough. At least, not as hard as I try. I can even set my attitude aside for her and bite my tongue through her more critical comments. You can only imagine how hard that is for me being an 18 year old girl.

Dad.

Ugh, don't even get me started on Dad. I am not so much as a speck of dust floating by his eye. I'm less than the dirt beneath his feet. Go about 6ft deeper than the sole of his shoe and I'm still less than the bacteria feeding on decomposing bodies. To that man, I don't exist. There hasn't been a word spoken between us in months. I'm serious! Not one single word. He passes by me in the house like I'm a ghost. He looks beyond me like I'm some drab decor or furnishing my mom picked out.

At first, his silence was a relief. I thought he was going to kill me when he found out about everything. I thought he was going to scream, ground me for life, beat me with one of his designer belts. Alas, that was not the case. Sometimes I wish he'd done something. At least he'd acknowledge the fact that I'm alive. Instead, it's been nothing but insufferable silence for 9 months and not a single moment of eye contact.

I think I'm beginning to hate him as much as he hates me.

Luckily for my father, there is one person I hate more than anyone.

The bane of my existence.

The reason for my downfall.

My biggest regret in life.

DRAKE WHITTAKER.

I hope he chokes. I hope he drops dead!! I would kill him myself if he was worth doing life in prison. That stupid dickhead is the reason I'm in this mess. It's all his fault! I wish I could go back in time and break up with him sooner. Hell, I wish we never dated at all!

After my heart was broken by Luke H, meeting Drake in middle school was magical. He was a popular football player and my star was on the rise as the amazing cheerleader I was. We were the cutest couple ever back then. Little did I know, he was a cretin. I would've never dated him into high school if I knew how it would all end.

Can you believe that after everything that went down between us, he had the audacity and the fucking nerve to call me a slut and say that he broke up with ME! I'm the one that broke up with his diabolical ass! And to make matters worse, you will never believe what happened at school today!

I was walking through the hallways with Leah. We were just talking about nonsense and trying to get to our lockers before homeroom.

Now at this point, I'm still getting occasional stares from other students but today feels off. They were more like gossipy looks as opposed to the judgmental ones that everyone so often wore around me. When we rounded the corner to the junior hallway, my stomach churned, my palms grew sweaty and it was like I was seeing red.

In reality, I was staring at Drake, my ex boyfriend, and Elizabeth Addler sucking each other's faces off!

I wanted to die.

The look on Leah's face was like she was looking at a horror film. She knows my temper well and I think she was shocked by my calm demeanor. I was really just frozen in my anger and awestruck.

She kept looking between me and Drake like she was waiting for me to fall into a murderous rage.

"Let's just go to the gym." She insisted.

Leah grabbed my arm and dragged me away. I could barely process what I had just seen. I could barely peel my eyes off of them.

Here I was struggling to put the pieces of my life back together and Drake was out here hooking up?! Practically filming soft porn in the middle of the school hallway!!

Would he ever be stopped?!

"Leah, am I seeing things correctly?" I asked, still bewildered. "Am I dreaming? Is this a nightmare?"

"No." She responded sullenly.

"You must be mistaken." I laughed with hysterics. "This is definitely a nightmare. How could he already move on? Why does Drake get to be happy while I have to be miserable?"

Leah could do nothing but shrug. I think she was still trying to process what we'd just seen as well.

"Try to forget about it. Just focus on the game tonight!"

When we met up with the other cheerleaders I was still fuming. I couldn't just 'forget about it'! My ex boyfriend had moved on before me! And he was still running around telling people he broke up with me! It made it seem like he left me for her! This only added to my humiliation.

I must have zoned out or something while I was thinking about how my life was falling further into shambles. That's when I heard.

"What's her deal?"

"She just found out about Drake and Elizabeth..."

Leah whispers so loud I can still hear her.

The rest of the girl's immediately crowded me, expressing their sympathy. Immediately, I was bombarded with:

"Are you okay?"

"What a jerk!"

"I can't believe him!"

"They're sick for parading it around school like that!"

Then, out of nowhere, like an all knowing voice, came our cheer captain Sophie's unsolicited comment.

"It's been nearly a year though. He wasn't gonna pine for you forever."

Her 'whatever' shrug was the kick in the butt I needed. As much as I hated how bluntly she put it, she was absolutely right. Nine months is a long time. That's like how long it takes to cook up a baby.

Come to think about it, Drake stopped blowing up my phone like two weeks after I broke up with him. He had probably hooked up with loads of girls all summer on top of that.

And what did I do?

Spent the entire summer locked up, grounded in my room wishing Drake would apologize and continuously beg for me back. I should have known better than to think he would have gone this long without sticking his tongue down some other girl's throat.

"You know what you need to do in order to get over a boy," Sophie started.

"Get under a new one!" The other girls finished her thought for her.

They were totally right.

And because of this eye opening revelation, I've decided it's time. I have to stop waiting around for Drake to become a decent human being (as if that would ever happen). I need to stop letting the mistakes of my past get the best of me. I need to grow the hell up and cleanse my aura of all negativity.

And most importantly,

I have got to get a new boyfriend.