Is It Guilt Or Happiness

Chapter 25

Tina's POV

Joe was still fast asleep when I woke up, the soft rise and fall of his chest steadying my own restless thoughts. It was quiet, the only sound of the soothing crash of waves was in the distance. I tried to sit up, but a dull ache between my thighs made me wince. Oh, right. The night before. I lost my virginity. The thought hit like a wave, equal parts overwhelming and surreal.

At first, a twinge of regret crept in. Did I rush it? Was it the right moment? But then my gaze drifted to Joe's peaceful face, and my heart melted. I love him. That's what matters. And I'd do it all over again just to be here, like this.

Grabbing the sheet, I wrapped it around me and tiptoed to the outdoor shower. The sun filtered through the trees, dappled light dancing on the wooden deck. I turned the shower on, letting the cool water cascade over me, washing away the remnants of sleep and doubt.

Maybe I should've stretched first. I smirked at my sore muscles, squeezing body wash into my hands. Just then, a shadow loomed in front of me. I looked up and there was Joe, standing there, completely naked. My eyes zeroed in on him, and my heart did a little somersault.

Seriously, how does he make "just standing" look so good?

He joined me, his hands gentle as he started washing my back. "How are you feeling?" he asked softly.

I hesitated. Honest or brave face? "Okay... but a little sore," I admitted with a sheepish smile.

He frowned, guilt flashing in his eyes. "I'm sorry if I hurt you last night."

"No," I quickly assured him. "You were gentle. It... it'll get better." I looked away, suddenly shy. Wow, could I be more awkward?

We finished our shower, dressed, and headed to the villa's kitchen. By then, we'd missed breakfast, and the pool outside was a lively hub of laughter and splashes.

"Look who finally decided to show up!" Noah teased, his voice dripping with implication.

Oh great, let's play "Who's the Most Obvious."

Joe's hand slipped around my waist, his steady presence rescuing me. "Ignore him," he whispered, steering me inside.

"Hey, lovebirds! Don't keep us waiting too long!" Trisha called after us, her tone teasing.

In the kitchen, Joe opened the fridge. "Starving? What sounds good?"

"Honestly? Anything fast. I'm famished." My stomach growled in agreement.

He grinned. "Sandwiches it is."

While he worked on the tuna sandwiches, I poured coffee and set the table. Watching him move around the kitchen so effortlessly made me smile. Domestic Joe is dangerously attractive.

Once we ate and cleaned up, we headed back outside. Joe gestured to the pool. "Want to join?"

I shook my head, sinking into a patio sofa. "I'm too sore. I'll just watch."

He sat beside me, pulling me close. I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling a wave of contentment wash over me.

"Joe! Come on, man!" Tamara called. "You missed out enough last night!"

Joe just smiled. "I'm good right here."

I caught Veronica watching us from the pool, a knowing grin on her face. Oh no. Here it comes.

After a while we all packed up and headed to the ship.

On the ship back, I sat on the upper deck, the ocean stretching endlessly around us. Veronica and Trisha joined me, and I braced myself.

"So..." Veronica smirked, bumping my shoulder. "How'd it go?"

Here we go. I blushed, feeling the heat rise to my cheeks. "It was... good. Really good."

Trisha squealed. "Oh my gosh, welcome to the real world, baby!"

Veronica pouted playfully. "Great. I'm officially the last 'sacred' one standing."

"We'll find someone for you soon," I teased.

She bit her lip, eyes twinkling. "Actually... I might've already found someone."

Trisha and I leaned in. "Who?"

"Noah."

Wait, what? "When did that happen?!"

She sighed, a dreamy look crossing her face. "We've been talking for a while. But last night, we made it official."

The ride back home with Joe felt like a dream. His hand in mine, his other on the steering wheel, he glanced at me every so often, smiling that smile. If this is what love feels like, I've been missing out.

At my apartment, he kissed me goodbye, promising to see me later. Could I be any luckier?

But alone, doubts crept back in. In the shower, the cool water couldn't wash away the questions. Did I do the right thing? Is Joe really the one?

I shook my head, pushing the thoughts away. I'm not that naive, scared girl anymore. I'm strong enough for whatever comes next.

Lying in bed, the ache in my body was a reminder. Not just of pain, but of love. And for now, that was enough.

Joe's POV

After dropping Tina off at her place, I felt an emptiness settle in. The car seemed quieter, the streets longer. I had asked her to join me for dinner, but she declined, saying she was tired. I respected that. She'd had a long day. But still, I missed her already.

Tamara had gone straight home, leaving me with my own thoughts. Mom had covered my shift while I was away, so I decided to head to the café and let her rest. As I changed into fresh clothes, I glanced at my phone, half-expecting a message from Tina. Nothing yet.

At the café, Herbert's voice boomed across the room. "Hey, look who's back!"

Mom appeared, her face lighting up. She hugged me tightly. "How was your trip?"

I kissed her forehead. "Great. Really great." Images of last night flashed in my mind. Her smile, her touch. I shook them off, focusing on the present.

Mom handed over the café keys. "Time for me to relax with your dad." She winked.

"Enjoy your night," I said, watching her leave with a knowing smile.

The café felt oddly quiet. Even with the usual hum of activity, something was missing. Tina. I sighed, sinking into the office chair. My mind wandered back to her. How her laughter echoed in my ears, how soft her skin felt. The memory of her taste made me smile, my heart aching for her presence.

Should I call her? I pulled out my phone, hesitating. Would she be asleep? Busy? I couldn't wait. I dialed. It rang. No answer.

"She probably has it on silent," I muttered. I tried again. No answer. My chest tightened. Is she upset? Did I miss something?

By the third attempt, the call disconnected almost immediately. Did she hang up on me? My mind raced with possibilities. Was it something I said? I replayed our last conversation. Everything seemed fine. I took a deep breath. "Give her time," I told myself.

Focusing on work was impossible. Every minute dragged. I'll call her tonight, I decided. And if she doesn't answer, I'll drive over there.

At eight, my phone beeped. My heart leapt.

"Sorry I missed your calls. My phone died, and I went to sleep early. Just saw your message. I'm okay. You don't have to worry so much. I love you. Kisses." The message ended with heart and kiss emojis.

Relief washed over me. I ruffled my hair, grinning like an idiot. I kissed the screen. "Love you too," I whispered.

"Will call you soon after I'm done with the café." I texted back.

I finished my work as quickly as I could, anticipation buzzing through me. At home, I showered, the hot water doing little to calm my excitement. Wrapped in a towel, I picked up my phone. Video call. An idea sparked.

She answered almost immediately. "Hi," she waved, her smile lighting up the screen.

"Hey. Miss me?" I teased.

She scrunched her nose. "Naa." Her eyes twinkled.

"Are you okay?" I asked softly.

"Feeling better," she replied, her voice gentle.

We talked about everything and nothing. Her laugh was the sweetest sound. When she yawned, I felt a pang of affection. "Let's sleep together. Watch each other," I suggested.

She smiled. "If I close my eyes, this beautiful day will end. And I don't want it to end."

"If you close your eyes," I whispered, "I'll come in your dreams. You can feel me there."

Her eyes softened. "Promise?"

"Always."

We drifted off, the screen glowing faintly in the dark. In the morning, she was still there. Sleeping, serene. I watched her, memorizing every detail. How did I get so lucky? I took the phone with me to the bathroom, not wanting to miss a moment.

When she stirred, I quickly unmuted. "Good morning."

She moaned softly. "Good morning... what time is it?"

"Almost ten."

She blinked. "I slept so late."

"Like a baby," I teased.

She noticed my clothes. "Why are you dressed up?"

"I'm heading to the café. Later, I'll meet Calvin. His last week before he goes back to Canada." I paused. "You rest up. I'll see you soon. Love you."

"Love you too." We exchanged kisses through the screen, lingering.

Downstairs, Jia was waiting, her eyes full of questions. I grinned. "Later," I mouthed.

At breakfast, Mom and Dad chatted, oblivious. I kissed Mom's cheek. Jia leaned in. "Spill everything later," she whispered.

As I drove to the café, I replayed her words in my mind: "If I close my eyes, this beautiful day will end." I knew exactly how she felt. With her, every day was too beautiful to let go.

Tamara's POV

I need an outlet. Something to drain this anger, this frustration. No matter how much I try to shield myself, he keeps finding a way to mess with my heart. Another plan, another failure. I don't think I can handle much more of this. I can't handle him and Tina.

I couldn't bear to even think her name, let alone hear it slip from his lips like it was some sacred truth. How could he? After everything we've been through, how could he not see me the way I see him? I'd loved him, truly loved him, from the very depths of my soul, and all he could give me was friendship. A hollow, meaningless word that felt like a slap across the face.

My heart pounded as my hands balled into fists. "If he can't see my worth, then why should I care what he thinks about my choices?" I muttered under my breath. My emotions were a storm, swirling with pain, frustration, and a hatred that felt unfamiliar but it was there, simmering.

But Justin? Why did it have to be Justin? Of all the people I could've leaned on, why did it have to be him. The one person who represented everything I despised? I hated the way he treated women, the way he flaunted his arrogance like it was a badge of honor. He wasn't someone to trust. But he had been there that night, hadn't he? On the beach, when Joe left me alone and broken, Justin had found me. And I had let my guard down, let my emotions take over. I had kissed him. Damn it.

The very thought made my stomach churn. How could I have been so reckless? My plan was simple. Use Justin to make Joe jealous. But instead, I played myself. And now, Joe was asking questions, watching us. That should've thrilled me, but all I felt was a sickening dread.

As I paced back and forth, my phone vibrated. My breath hitched, and for a moment, I thought it might be Justin or Janet. I wasn't ready to deal with them yet. But when I saw Joe's name light up the screen, a mix of emotions surged through me. Anger, longing, hope, and despair all at once.

"Are you home?"

"We need to talk."

I barely had time to process the messages before a sound startled me. A thud on my balcony. My heart raced as I pulled the curtain aside, and there he was, standing there like he owned the night.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped, even though my heart betrayed me, skipping a beat at the sight of him.

"You didn't reply," he said casually, as if showing up uninvited was the most natural thing in the world. "And I saw the lights on. I figured you were awake."

I wanted to yell at him, to scream at him for how much power he had over me. But all I managed was a bitter laugh. "So, you finally found some time for me?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

Joe flinched, but he didn't respond. He just stood there, guilt written all over his face. And for a fleeting moment, I thought he might apologize. Not for leaving me on the beach that night, but for every time he had chosen her over me.

"What do you want, Joe?" I asked, crossing my arms.

He stepped inside, settling into my favorite chair. The one I always curled up in when I needed comfort. It felt like an invasion, but I didn't stop him.

"It's about Justin," he began after a long pause.

My breath caught. So he knew. He must have seen us.

"What about him?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

Joe hesitated, his jaw tightening. "I've noticed you two spending a lot of time together. Are you... are you dating him?"

My heart leaped at the hint of jealousy in his tone, but I quickly smothered it. He wasn't here because he cared about me. Not in the way I wanted him to.

"Why do you care?" I shot back, my voice sharper than I intended.

He stood up and closed the distance between us. For a moment, his eyes locked onto mine, and my breath hitched. Was this it? Was he finally going to say the words I had been dying to hear? But instead, he spoke, and his words cut deeper than any rejection ever could.

"You're my childhood friend, Tamara," he said softly. "I don't want to see you get hurt. Justin isn't... he isn't the kind of guy who'll treat you right. You know that."

The word friend echoed in my mind, over and over again, until it felt like a curse.

"Stop calling me that!" I snapped. "I'm not a child anymore, Joe. I'm not some little girl who needs you to tell me what's good for me!"

"Tamara..."

"No!" I interrupted, my voice trembling with rage. "I've loved you my whole life, Joe. Can't you see that? Every plan, every move I've made. It's all been for you. But you don't care. You never cared."

He looked at me, stunned, and for a moment, I thought I saw regret in his eyes. But then he said the one thing I wasn't prepared to hear.

"I'm sorry, Tamara. I love Tina."

The words hit me like a slap, and I staggered back, shaking my head. "Then why are you here, Joe? Why are you wasting your time on me if she's the one you love?"

"Because I care about you," he said helplessly.

"Get out," I whispered, my voice breaking.

"Tamara, don't do that," he said, stepping closer. "You know it's not like that."

"Isn't it?" I shot back, crossing my arms. "Because from where I'm standing, it looks like I'm always your second choice. Always there when you need someone but never the one you actually want."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "That's not true, and you know it."

"Do I?" My voice cracked. I hated how vulnerable I sounded, but the words kept spilling out. "You don't see me, Joe. You never see me. And it hurts more than I can put into words."

Joe looked at me, his eyes searching for mine. "Tamara... I care about you. You're one of the most important people in my life..."

"Stop." I cut him off, shaking my head. "Don't say it. Don't tell me I'm important to you like I'm some charity case. I don't need your pity."

"It's not a pity," he said firmly, stepping even closer. "It's the truth. You mean a lot to me, Tamara."

"But not enough," I whispered, my voice barely audible. The silence that followed was deafening.

Joe exhaled, frustration etched into his features. "I don't know what you want me to say."

I laughed bitterly, the sound hollow. "You can't say what I want to hear, Joe. And that's the problem, isn't it?"

His shoulders slumped, and for a moment, he looked as tired as I felt. "Tamara, I didn't come here to fight. I came because I'm worried about you. I saw you with Justin, and..."

"Don't." My voice was sharp, cutting through the night air. "Don't you dare bring him into this. You don't get to be jealous, Joe. Not when you've never given me a reason to believe I could have your heart."

"I'm not jealous," he insisted, though the tension in his voice betrayed him. "I'm concerned. Justin isn't good for you."

"And you think you are?" I shot back, the words out before I could stop them. They hung in the air, heavy and unforgiving.

Joe stared at me, his jaw tightening. "I've never lied to you, Tamara. I've never pretended to be something I'm not. I've always been honest with you about how I feel."

"And that's the problem," I said, my voice breaking. "Because your honesty is killing me, Joe. Every time you look at me and don't see me the way I see you, it breaks me a little more."

He opened his mouth to speak but stopped, as if he couldn't find the right words. And maybe there weren't any. Maybe there never would be.

"I think you should go," I said finally, wrapping my arms around myself. "Before we say things we can't take back."

Joe hesitated, his eyes filled with something I couldn't quite decipher. Regret, maybe, or sadness. "Tamara..."

"Please," I whispered, not trusting myself to hold it together much longer.

"Tamara..."

"GET OUT!" I screamed, tears streaming down my face.

He hesitated for a moment, then turned and walked out onto the balcony. I watched as he climbed down, disappearing into the night.

As soon as he was gone, I grabbed my phone and dialed Justin's number. If Joe couldn't be mine, then I'd make sure he couldn't have Tina either. One way or another, I'd make him see what he had lost.

__________________________________

"Love can be beautiful and messy, a storm of longing and doubt. But in the quiet moments, when hearts speak louder than words, that's when it feels most real."