III – Therapy is Always a Bummer

The problems with drug-induced sleep are exactly what you could imagine. Vesper got five hours on the dosage she was on, if she was lucky, and those five hours were rammed full of exactly the kind of dreams you'd expect to get if you were on drugs. She woke in a cold sweat somewhere around 8 in the morning her body fully functioning for a brief second while her brain struggled to shake the aching melatonin brought with it. In a brief moment she'd righted herself, the usual nausea crept into her body as her brain cleared. Vesper lay there, her laptop fan buzzing like it was intending to blast off to Mars any second. She switched it off and made her way downstairs and out the door towards the hospital. Briefly, she considered getting something to eat and then decided against it. It was just coming straight back up anyway, also it was raining and she wasn't wanting to get any wetter than necessary. As she walked she wondered if maybe she should have woken her dad up and asked for a lift, but then again she would've felt bad, it wasn't his fault she couldn't sleep. Stupid nausea, stupid rain, stupid 9am therapy. 

"How are you feeling?" Vesper understood that this was just general regulation check-in bullshit but it still felt pointless to her. 

"Vesper?" 

"Mhmm..." Poor Marie, she probably wasn't paid enough to get up this early and talk to her. She also definitely wasn't qualified for a case like Vesper. 

"Are you dozing off on me over there? This caught her attention. 

"Yes," Vesper said dryly. 

Marie caught her mistake and held up her hands "I'm sorry but you haven't said a word since you got here." 

Vesper shrugged, feigning interest. "There isn't a lot to talk about. I've done all the research myself, in fact, I probably know more than almost anyone who works here about FFI." 

"Well naturally, but maybe you could at least help me understand how to help you." 

Vesper looked at the almost empty file sitting on the desk in front of her. 

Vesper Phaine 

Fatal Familial Insomnia 

Treatment Plan 

The stubbornly empty space on the paper below the print spoke louder than words. 

"So how are you feeling?" Marie was insistent if nothing else. 

A million more helpful things to say swirled through Vesper's head but as always, the obvious made its way out. 

"I'm tired." 

"The melatonin isn't working?" 

"It's working as in it sends me to sleep," she said sighing and resting her chin on her hands. 

"But you're still tired?" Marie questioned. 

Vesper knew she didn't mean it but Marie's questioning always made her feel a little bit like a lab rat. Of course, she knew she was a pretty special case, the hospital was probably using her as a way to update their records. 

"Well, I am just now, tired that is," she said sullenly. 

"Are you still eating well like we discussed?" said Marie gently looking worriedly at the dark circles under Vesper's eyes. 

"Well, my Mum is pretty much cooking all my meals," she paused and shrugged, "sometimes I eat out but honestly I don't think it makes a whole load of difference." 

"Are you taking any vitamins?" 

"No not just now" Vesper fiddled with her hoodie sleeve. "Taking the melatonin pills in the evening was enough drugs in one day for me, I didn't want to have to take supplements at breakfast too." 

Marie nodded sympathetically. She was a small pale dark-haired woman whose usual serious expression was punctuated by little smiles whenever a situation became tense. Vesper was her opposite: built, broad shoulders from the muscles in her back and arms, tanned from the hours she spent training in an outdoor pool, bouncy and blonde. She'd grown quieter and more sullen over the last few months but the physical differences, on the whole, remained. 

Vesper glanced at her hands, she couldn't help but notice her usual year round tan was fading a little, she hadn't been outside as much over summer after all. 

"I think you should start taking some," said Marie, who had clearly noticed the same thing. 

Vesper kept looking at her hands twisting the same loose thread on her hoodie sleeve around and around until it snapped. 

"I really don't think I need to," she mumbled. 

"Unless you want to be in here, on a drip, I would strongly recommend you do," said Marie simply. "Especially because I've got the results from your medical assessment two weeks ago from your doctors and they advise you do too." 

She frowned at Vesper. "I can only assume you've been ignoring the advice." 

Vesper didn't say anything, but she nodded after a moment sighing. 

"Fine I- I'll take the stupid supplements if that's really all the medical marvels this place can come up with." 

"Vesper that's not fair-" 

"Yeah well none of this is fair is it?" 

There was a moment of silence as the two sat facing each other across the desk. It was the most animated Vesper had been in the conversation the whole session. 

"I'm sorry Marie," she relented quickly. "I know you're just trying to help." 

"No it's a reasonable reaction to your situation," said Marie in her professionally understanding tone. 

Vesper grimaced a little but didn't say anything. 

"Is there anything you want to talk about? Anything that's happened recently?" 

Vesper mulled over the events of the past week in her brain. Nothing out of the ordinary – other than the obvious – then something occurred to her. 

"My Mum thinks I should drop out of college," she said after a moment. "She thinks it's going to be too tough on me this year physically, but it's my last year and I want to get my exam results for university..." She paused not sure how to continue. "What do you think? I mean, sticking to a normal routine is good right? Isn't that what we discussed – keeping things as normal as possible?" 

Marie hummed for a moment listening to her, she had the sort of face where it actively looked like she was paying attention to every word you said. Vesper briefly wondered if that was a requirement of the job to be a therapist, perhaps Marie had put it on her CV. 

"Well," said Marie slowly. "You are right, keeping routine as close to normality as possible is helpful when a lot of other things are changing for you." She paused, as if choosing her next words very carefully. "I would say we'll try it, every week you can tell me how you felt and if you are managing and your medical assessments will quickly tell us if it's too much for you, but right now I don't think there's any reason to pull you out of school." 

Vesper cheered up considerably. "Thank you so much," she said with a flicker of her old smile flashing across her face. "I'll tell my Mum you said that." 

Marie smiled at Vesper brightening, "just tell her we'll keep assessing it okay?" 

Vesper nodded. 

"How's the swimming?" questioned Marie happy to steer the conversation towards their safer topics. 

Vesper reluctantly nodded with a rueful smile and put a little more effort into the conversation to thank Marie for agreeing with her. 

As the hour wrapped up Vesper felt marginally better about everything. She wandered down the hospital corridors towards the mini cafe that they had in the west wing. It had a vending machine near it and, despite deciding she didn't want to eat any breakfast, after the walk to the hospital and an hour's therapy she was surprisingly a little hungry. She also knew that if you kicked the vending machine in a specific spot from a certain angle it shook free a few assorted snacks. The downside to this was that you didn't get to choose what the snacks were, the upside was that they were free. 

She made her way into the little foyer and surreptitiously leaned against the vending machine before giving it a good boot in the side shaking free a packet of chocolate buttons and an energy bar. She felt the presence of someone standing behind her before she saw him. 

"Hey!" said the boy with the curly brown hair, "it's you again!" 

She crouched down to pick up her snacks and looked at him as she popped open the chocolate buttons and tipped a few into her mouth. 

"You don't talk much do you," he said wrinkling his nose in a smile under his glasses. 

"I do," she said, "when I have something to say." 

"I didn't catch your name last time," said the boy with a smile. 

"I didn't throw it," she said dryly, stepping aside to let him get to the vending machine. 

"Wow, I did not take you to be the kind of girl who makes dad jokes," he raised his eye brows with a grin. 

"It's Vesper," she said with an eyeroll. 

"Huh?" he looked confused. 

"My name, it's Vesper." 

"Oh!" his face lit up in understanding, "I'm James." 

"I know," she said in a vaguely amused tone, "I remember." 

"Back for another prescription?" He asked curiously. 

"Appointment," she said vaguely. "How was getting your stomach pumped?" 

"Unpleasant," he said with a laugh, "but I'm up and about and raring to go now." 

"Good for you." She suddenly didn't know what to say. "So are you getting discharged today?" 

"No," he said rolling his eyes, "they want to keep me here for a few days to 'keep an eye on me.'" He made air quotations with his fingers around the last words. 

"Oh, well I've been told the food is crap." 

"You're not a resident?" He asked with interest. 

"No," she said firmly, "no I'm just an outpatient." She said it with a little more intensity than was needed. 

"Fair enough," James grinned. "Thanks for the heads up about the food." 

"Sure, no problem." She put the energy bar in her bag and slung it over her shoulder eating a few more buttons. "You know if you kick this vending machine just there," she gestured with her foot, "it'll randomly dispense things. Don't tell anyone I told you that though or I'll get an earful from Marie." 

He raised an eyebrow behind his glasses and tested her theory grinning with glee when a few snacks shook loose. "Woah- thanks that's a major life saver." He handed her one of the snacks that had fallen. "I won't rat, snitches get stitches, but who's Marie?" 

"She's my therapist," said Vesper awkwardly taking the bag of crisps from him. 

"Oh, you're in therapy?" He looked surprised. 

"Uhm- yeah, yeah, I am. Just for a little while." She fiddled with the sleeve of her hoodie again. 

"Does it work?" 

"Does what work?" she looked confused. 

"Therapy?" He looked a little quizzical but not mocking. 

"Oh, uh I suppose so," she said indistinctly through a mouthful of buttons. 

"Never was a fan of it myself," he said with a shrug. 

"Well, it wasn't exactly an opt-in, opt-out, sort of situation," she said dryly. 

"Ah," he said with a small quick of a smile at the corner of his mouth. "Forceful admittance type beat huh?" 

"Something like that," she said with a slight groan. Despite the dour topic she felt a small smile on her face. It was nice to talk to someone who, for whatever reason, seemed to understand. 

"Rough luck," he said patting her on the shoulder, he was a good few inches taller than her. "I've not got to that stage yet but I'm sure you'll see more of me if I do." 

She nodded not sure how to respond. "Well, for your sake I hope I don't see any more of you then." 

She smiled and he smiled back. 

"See you around James," she nodded and turned to head back out of the corridor into the August air. 

"Sure thing Vesper." 

She walked away down the hall when she heard a shout: "bye Vesper!" She turned on her heel back to James at the sound of his voice. 

She felt the smile claw its way back onto her face despite herself. She raised her hand in a half wave as she walked away. It was only when she was halfway home from the hospital before she realised she hadn't thought about her muscles aching in an hour.