Bend Over

"You can't just take the charger like that," the guy said. "It was plugged in."

Keanu blinked. "You weren't using it."

"Yeah, but I was going to."

"Then you should've been quicker."

The Starbucks hum buzzed around them. A woman was doing her taxes on one side. A guy with a manbun was live-streaming his coding session on the other. The barista had called out "Iced oatmilk shaken espresso for... Ben Dover?" and nobody moved.

The guy in front of Keanu scoffed and leaned forward, way too close. "Look, man, just give it back. I'm on 2%."

Keanu smiled. That smile people always said was nice but didn't quite reach his eyes. "And I'm on 1%. Survival of the fittest."

"You're a dick."

"You're welcome."

He turned away and sipped his coffee. His phone buzzed. Notification: Battery low. Irony. Comedy.

The guy muttered something and sat down two tables away, glaring.

Keanu scrolled Instagram for ten minutes. Then Twitter. Then Reddit. Then Reddit again, but the funny subreddit this time. He tapped his screen. Nothing. Dead.

He sighed.

He unplugged his phone, stood up, and walked over to the guy. "Here. Take it."

The guy looked up, surprised. "Oh. Uh. Thanks."

Keanu smiled.

And then stabbed him in the hand with a metal straw.

A weird gasp escaped the guy's throat. He jerked backward, knocking over his coffee. People looked up, but no one moved. It was the kind of shock that froze you.

Keanu whispered, "Next time, bring a power bank."

He dropped the bloodied straw into the trash, grabbed a cake pop, and left.

--

He really just strawed him. Like, biodegradable and all. Eco-friendly violence.